I have been trying to lose weight for the last year.
For the last 63 weeks, actually.
I need to lose weight.
In order to be at my healthiest and most comfortable, I really do.
If I want to run a sub 4 hour marathon (and that’s still a goal of mine), I need to lose at least 20 pounds.
I also want to lose weight. Not because I lack confidence or because I don’t want to wear a bathing suit.
I wear a bikini all the time.
I just don’t feel good being this heavy.
And while I love my body and appreciate all that it has done, does, and is capable of doing, I would like to change the way it looks.
But BOY AM I STRUGGLING.
It is fucking hard.
And in the last six months especially, I have had a hard time making much progress.
Or any progress.
I am really active. I mean, you really can’t not be active with five kids at home.
I work out (almost) daily.
If you’re into tracking steps, for reference, in the last 7 days, I’ve averaged 15,000+ steps a day, and I’ve averaged 14,900+steps a day in the last month.
I ran 6 miles on Monday, did 33 minutes on the elliptical on Tuesday, ran 5 miles on Wednesday and ran 4 miles today.
Exercise is not my issue (although I do need to increase both the amount and frequency of strength training I’m doing).
My issue continues to be food.
I am really struggling with the fucking food.
Struggling so much that in the last couple weeks I have gained a few pounds.
And no, it’s not muscle.
I don’t eat perfectly, but I do eat much better than I did five or ten years ago.
But I am still having days where, when the stress gets to me, I numb myself with food.
Sometimes I do it unconsciously.
Other times, I’m like, Buckle up, Bitches. If you are not nailed down, I AM EATING YOU.
I don’t count calories. I don’t track my food.
I am working on eating intuitively — on listening to my body, eating when I am hungry, stopping eating once I feel satisfied rather than stuffed, not making any foods taboo, and allowing myself to sit in discomfort rather than temporarily distract myself from physical, mental, or emotional pain with food.
I am doing well in some areas, but I have developed a habit of eating something every night in my bed as I watch something on my iPad.
It is a habit that is not getting me where I want to be, and a habit I have not been able to kick so far.
It has absolutely nothing to do with hunger, and everything to do with habit, and distracting myself.
And it’s something I want to stop.
In fact, my plan is to report back to you in one week that I’ve got seven nights of no eating in bed at bedtime (or any other time) under my belt.
This habit is definitely not helping me.
But neither is menopause.
Entering menopause has fucked with my body.
Menopause is like,
AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! I am not gonna make this easy on you, Susie. When you eat shit that your body doesn’t need, I AM GOING TO MAKE IT VERY OBVIOUS.
When I gain weight it goes to my midsection first. This was the case five, ten, twenty years ago.
But now it’s like the weight in my stomach area is on steroids.
It’s going all right to my middle with a fucking vengeance.
And I don’t like that.
I don’t like how it feels, I don’t like how it looks, and I don’t like the implications it has for my health.
I have officially reached that stage of my life where I just cannot eat as much as I used to.
Not if I want to maintain a lower weight and feel fit and not have a heart attack or develop diabetes.
And while that sorta sucks, it is what it is.
So I am continuing to work on this.
The other day I was reading an old post I wrote about how my kitchen was out of control and my closet was out of control, and my dining room table also used to be totally out of control as well as the whole laundry situation.
And I have gotten all of those reined in.
My dining room has been clutter free and we have been eating at the table for the past 18+ months. I have a great laundry system for the whole family that works. I usually have a fairly clean kitchen — I still have some room for improvement there, but I’ve made some pretty massive changes.
And on July 2nd, I will be alcohol free for two years.
So I’ve made lots of changes in areas of my life that were either unhealthy or totally out of control.
And that is a reminder to me that I can get this food thing under control, too.
It’s not impossible for menopausal women to lose weight.
I know this because plenty of them have done it.
And if I can make changes in other areas of my life, then I can do it here, too.
I just have to keep trying until I find the equation that works.
And while I’m not where I wanted to be when I started this whole journey 63 weeks ago,
I’m definitely not where I was.