Nothing Changes When Nothing Changes

I found out a week ago that my husband was let go from his job.

I was angry. Really angry.

I was angry because there was no warning.

I was angry because we were completely unprepared.

I was angry because he did nothing wrong and he was a really good employee.

I was angry because we were just starting to get our feet back under us.

I was also angry because unbeknownst to my husband, I had set the wheels in motion to end our marriage.

And this whole loss-of-job-thing threw a big fucking wrench into my plans.

So I wrote this post about how angry I was. About how I didn’t want to be positive or optimistic.

I didn’t want to  hear that things happened for a reason. I didn’t want to hear anything inspirational.

I just wanted to fucking punch people.

I allowed myself to be angry for as long as I needed to be.

Two days was about all it took.

After about 48 hours, I was able to see things from a completely different perspective. And now that the dust has settled, I am open and able and willing to look at the glass as half full, see the silver lining, and all that other positive and optimistic stuff.

And now that I’m not livid and foaming at the mouth with anger, I honestly believe that the Universe was sending me a signal.

DIVORCE IS NOT THE PATH TO TAKE, It told me.

It took that big of a gesture from the Universe to get my attention.

And I’m really happy I’ve finally gotten to the place where I’m not so angry anymore.

Where I’m actually… grateful.

Things aren’t perfect. In fact, they are nowhere near that.

But surprisingly, the loss of his job has brought my husband and me closer.

We were pretty far apart, so it wasn’t that hard.

But still.

Rather than feeling hopeless, for the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful.

And you know what?

I’d rather have hope in my marriage and no money in the bank than money in the bank and no hope in my marriage.

This feeling of optimism and possibility is not because I was finally able to get my husband to see the fucking error of his ways.

It’s because I’ve switched my focus.

Very often when we’d really get into it, my husband would tell me,  I’m just mirror. I’m a reflection of the way you are treating me.

Oh boy did that fucking piss me off!

Because I KNEW that I was the mirror. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve yelled, HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THE POSSIBILITY (okay, I may have used the word fact and not possibility) THAT I’M THE MIRROR AND YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE???

You know where that got us?

Almost to divorce court.

So I’ve switched my focus.

This doesn’t mean I don’t still think I’m the mirror at least 50% of the time. (okay — maybe closer to 80%. Okay. 90%. Clearly I have lots of work to do here).

But the getting to be right wars are neither effective nor healthy.

And you know what they say.

You can be right. Or you can be in a relationship.

So instead of trying to convince my husband of the changes he needs to make, and instead of trying to convince him that I’m the goddamned mirror, I’m working on the stuff I can (and want to) change about myself with respect to our relationship.

That way, the reflection I see in the proverbial mirror will be a lot more attractive.

And the same should go for my husband.

I can argue til the cows come home about which one of us is the fucking mirror.

Or I can try something different.

And now that I’m not so angry, I am able to do that.

Because when nothing changes… nothing changes.

And something’s definitely gotta change.

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