A book review for moms like me: Here I Go Again

I used to be a really big reader.

Then I had like a thousand kids in less than seven years, and reading a book that was more than twenty pages long whose pages weren’t made out of cardboard wasn’t really possible for me.

By the time I made it to the end of the day my brain was so fried that I didn’t have the energy to read anything. I wouldn’t make it past two or three paragraphs before I either realized I had no idea what the hell it was I just read or I fell asleep.

The last time we went on a vacation was four years ago, and at that time Number 6 was in that phase where he ate sand and crawled straight into the water and directly to his death on a continual loop, Number 5 was only two and couldn’t swim at all, Number 4 was a runner and would sprint 3 miles down the beach after any bird or person who caught her attention, and I was seven months pregnant with Number 7 and I was basically shot.

I didn’t even bother bringing a book along with me to attempt to read.

But this year on vacation, things are different.

The kids are a little older now, I’m not knocked up and retaining fourteen pounds of water in my ankles, and I’m not completely spent by the end of the day.

So I brought along some books.

Since I’ve been out of the reading loop for so long, I had no idea what books to even take with me, so I went to the library and put a call out to everyone on Facebook.

I needed some books to read.

I got lots of suggestions.

I finished my first book a couple days ago, and I thought since there might be moms in the same boat as me, I’d attempt to start a book review section here on the blog.

If I could try to make it a regular feature, that would also keep me in the habit of reading. Because it’s fun to be back looking forward to books.

So, here is my first review.

The book is Here I Go Again, by Jen Lancaster.

First a couple things.

I was not an English lit major or anything in college, and I have never reviewed a book. So don’t be expecting anything professional.

Since I am busy, and reading a novel is an investment of time, and if I am going to invest my time in a book, I want it to be worthwhile.

So what makes a book worthwhile for me?

1) Degree of Difficulty — I like to read for entertainment. To escape. And I don’t want to have to think too hard. My attention span and level of energy are better than they used to be, but they still kind of suck. So… it needs to be a fairly easy read.

2) Narcolepsy Factor — I need to be able to read more than two paragraphs before I fall asleep.

3) FWOFF (First Week of Facebook Factor) — Obviously, if I find myself not being able to put the book down, and if I want to ignore my kids as much as I did those first few days I discovered Facebook and Pinterest, then that’s good.

4) Vacuum Factor — It can’t take like 100 or 50 or even 25 pages to suck me in. It kind of has to be immediate.

5) PTBD (Post Traumatic Book Disorder) — When I finish the book, I want to be missing the protagonist. Like to the degree of depression I felt when I watched the final episode of Breaking Bad.

6) The Goldilocks Factor — Too much sex, too little sex, or just the right amount of sex. A little bit of a naughty factor is good. But massive amounts of smut don’t really appeal to me.

7) Zoloft Factor — It can’t be depressing.

8)  Do Over Factor — I don’t have to go back and reread pages, paragraphs or sentences multiple times because I can’t remember what the hell I just read.

9) Potty potential — If the chapters are short enough for me to read while I’m going to the bathroom, that’s a major bonus, because sometimes that’s the only time I have alone to read.

10)Neat Package Factor —  If the ending sucks, that’s not good. I’m a sucker for a happy ending. Or at least an ending where everything is resolved and wrapped up with a bow and I’m not left wondering why I spent all that time trying to get to the end of the book when I still have no idea how the hell the story finishes.

So Here I Go Again is a book about a chick who was a super bitch in high school. Like the meanest of mean girls.

After discovering how badly karma comes back to bite her in the ass when she is in her mid thirties, she is given the opportunity to go back and make some changes.

Ideal reader: anyone who went to high school in the late eighties/early nineties, women between the age of 35-50, anyone who has ever fantasized about exacting revenge on that fucking bitch from high school who was a total asshole to you, anyone who was ever bullied by the it girls in high school, anybody who actually was one of the mean girls in high school and has any sign of a soul or a shred of remorse.

Now for the scores:

1) DD (10 = easy read, 1 = whoah, I have to think way too hard to follow this shit): 10 

2) Narcolepsy Factor (10 = I can’t believe I’m still awake, 1 = I’ve been on the first page for four weeks now): 10

3) FWOFF (10 = I haven’t checked on the kids in 90 minutes and I cannot put this book down, 1 = I think I’ll go check Facebook because this book kind of blows): 9

4) Vacuum Factor (10 = I’m sucked in before the end of the first page, 1 = why the fuck am I reading this?): 9

5) Post Traumatic Book Disorder (10 = What will I do without the main character in my life?, 1 = Wait, who was the main character again?): 9 

6) Goldilocks Factor ( 10 = just the right amount of naughtiness, 5 = no naughtiness at all, 1 = I should have just watched a porno): 5

7) Zoloft Factor (10 = it’s all good — no drugs necessary, 1 = I think I need a stronger antidepressant): 10

8) DOF (10 = no do overs necessary, 1 = I think I’ve read that sentence seventeen times): 10

9) Potty Potential (10 = I can finish a whole chapter by the time I have to flush, 1 = how many pages long is this chapter anyway?) 10

10) Neat Package Factor (10 = All situations resolved, 1 = WTF?) 10

Final Score: 92/100

Great book, easy, light reading, funny, and satisfying. A great vacation read, especially at the beach.

A worthwhile investment, and Jen Lancaster is a new favorite author of mine!

Happy Reading!

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