The kids are spending the next two weeks with their father.
This is an opportunity I dreamed about when I was married and in the thick of it with the kids.
Two weeks alone and able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted?
And now, here we are.
I’m used to Ingrid being away at school, but I’ve never spent two weeks away from the other kids.
It feels weird.
I didn’t want to go to bed last night because I was feeling emotional all weekend.
I didn’t want to wake up this morning and send the kids off for two weeks.
After spending just about the whole month of July here with me, I could definitely use a break, but two weeks feels like a lot.
But again, this is something I’ve been dreaming of.
I’ve got pedicures gift cards and massage gift cards to use.
Nobody will be messing up the house.
I mean nobody besides me.
I can go down to the lake whenever I want and I don’t have to worry about driving anyone anywhere or feeding anyone.
Except for Stormie.
I need to walk and feed her.
Anyway, even with everything to look forward to and receiving this gift of alone time, I knew I was a goner this morning.
I was crying before the kids were even awake.
I made it through one goodbye hug without crying but I knew I wasn’t going to be able to hold off the tears until after they left.
Marit pushed me over the edge but I was able to run down to the laundry room and collect myself before I said goodbye to everyone else.
But when Gretchen gave me a hug I was done for.
She was the last one to leave and I was close to sobbing.
She must have told the kids I was crying because Kasen came back into the house and gave me another hug.
Kristofer forgot something and came back inside.
“Mom! Why are you crying?” he said. “This is your vacation!!!”
I was so torn.
I have both been really dreading and really looking forward to these two weeks.
I felt guilty for looking forward to alone time and I felt like a loser for being so upset.
I really had to stop myself from beating myself up, because the self loathing thoughts started coming…
Why are you crying?
You should be past this.
It’s been almost two years. You should be over this by now.
WELL I AIN’T OVER IT.
There are a bunch of reasons why I’m not over it, and they don’t matter.
It’s okay for me to still have a hard time when the kids leave.
There’s no timeline for this divorce shit. If it takes me ten years to stop crying when the kids leave it’s okay.
If I NEVER stop crying when the kids leave, it’s okay.
Even though I need a break and I’m looking forward to some time to decompress, it’s still really hard.
Divorce-related guilt is fucking brutal.
It’s my biggest challenge right now.
Because I’m going to do a lot of fun things in the next two weeks that I know the kids would love to do, and they won’t get to do them with me.
And I feel guilty about that.
I feel guilty having fun when they aren’t having fun.
That’s something I’m working on.
Reminding myself that I’m allowed to do fun things, even if the kids can’t do them with me.
Especially if the kids can’t do them with me!
So rather than focus on what we are missing out on collectively, I’m gonna focus on enjoying every second of SUSIE TIME.
Two weeks of ME TIME!
This feels like the first day of kindergarten all over again.
But just like on that first day of kindergarten the tears eventually slowed down.
I realized the kids were going to be okay.
I was going to be okay.
That’s when I was able to welcome that alone time, whether it was two hours or two days or two weeks (or in Ingrid’s case) two months.
And that’s where I find myself now.
I still miss my kids.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna make the best of the next two weeks.
Besides, the more fun I have and the more I take care of myself in the next two weeks, the better I’m gonna be able to show up for the kids when they come home.
It’s gonna be a great two weeks.