Yesterday was one of the most emotional days of my life.
So much crying.
So much discomfort.
I sat in my car in the ShopRite parking lot last night and sobbed for about 30 minutes.
I don’t like crying. And I do it all the time.
I have always been a crier. Just about any intense emotion results in crying for me.
I hate it. It’s exhausting.
Exception: happy tears are okay.
Anyway, today this picture popped up in my Facebook memories:
This picture elicits immediate tears today. The really sad kind.
The past couple days have been really hard and it was just a little too much for me to handle.
I’m not going to lie.
Divorce is really hard right now. REALLY HARD.
It’s not because I miss the kids. I mean I wish I didn’t have to miss out on any time with them, but I look forward to the alone time when I have it.
And I need some time alone to recharge.
I don’t need suggestions or advice. I’m not looking for a solution.
There isn’t one.
I knew my divorce was going to be tough, and I knew it was going to be tough for a long time.
Right now is a particularly hard time.
I don’t regret getting divorced.
But it can definitely be brutal at times.
It’s been devastating for me the last couple days.
In fact, the last 24 hours have been the hardest 24 hours I can remember. And I’ve been through some tough shit in my life.
But after a half hour of bawling in the grocery store parking lot last night, a voice was able to find its way through all bullshit swirling around in my head.
It was louder than all the self-doubt and guilt and what-ifs…
You’ve made it through every hard time life has thrown at you so far, and you’ll make it through this one, too.
I have worked for YEARS to be able to rely on myself to shift my thinking. And to be able to do it relatively quickly.
In the past this kind of thing would emotionally knock me out for a couple days.
Any plans for productivity would fly out the window.
I’d need lots of support to get my head straight.
I’m not knocking support. I have a therapist who I’ve been seeing weekly for years and a kick ass group of women who I lean on often.
A few of them know exactly what I am going through and they continuously remind me I’m never alone in this stuff.
(Also they are all alive, so they survived the really hard stuff, too.)
The tears didn’t completely stop last night. I’ve had a few crying spells today. They didn’t last too long. Small waves of emotion that became less and less frequent as the day went on.
Rather than let it completely unravel me, I just sat with the sadness and let the tears pass through.
After a minute or two they would subside.
And then I would get back to work.
I wasn’t efficient today with the crying interruptions, but I also wasn’t rendered totally useless.
I did something. In fact, I did a bunch of things. This is a pretty big deal for me.
Bette if you are reading this, I got a blog post written!
I’m getting so much better at redirecting my brain. I’ve worked really hard to get to this point and I’m really really proud of myself.
Last night when I shared what was going on with the ladies in E-School, one of my friends who has lived this and is living this herself said,
“…these hard times are when you are learning the lessons…”
I’m gonna be honest, though. I’m a little tired of learning the lessons.
I could use a little vacation from Life School. 😂
On the other hand, in the last two days I’ve been able to see for myself how far I’ve come. I’ve come really far.
So I guess the lessons are working.
Really shitty things and really good things can happen at the same time.
Yesterday was really hard.
Today was not exactly easy.
I survived again.
So I’ll be ready for whatever lessons you have to throw at me tomorrow, Life School.
But maybe since it’s Sunday you can go easy on me.