There is a quote about surrender.
Surrender has, over the course of my life, been my biggest obstacle.
I have held on SO TIGHTLY to what I think I need and the way I am sure things are supposed to happen that what I truly need is often prevented from reaching me.
I’ve blocked what the Universe has been trying to give me for SO MANY YEARS.
I think the process of divorce might be the place where the power of surrender — and the total absence of it — is magnified the most.
At least this has been the case in my life.
Going through a divorce that’s not exactly amicable can be a breeding ground for the complete and total opposite of surrender.
It becomes very easy to engage in battle and strategize and operate defensively and do whatever you can to make things go the way you believe they should go.
The way they must go.
And when this happens what is truly best for you and your children can become lost in the process.
Or totally blocked.
Let’s get something straight before we go any further.
Surrender isn’t giving up.
It’s not quitting.
It’s not defeat.
It’s not agreeing to something that would be harmful to you.
It’s acknowledging that maybe you don’t know what is supposed to happen.
It’s trusting that MAYBE YOU DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING.
Or, in some cases, anything.
It’s trusting that what you need will come to you when you release the death grip you have on trying to control all the events — and people — in your life.
It’s trusting that you will be led in the direction you need to go when you relax and release.
Because that’s the only way the path you are meant to follow can truly be revealed to you.
It’s acknowledging that you will be directed in the way you need to go. The way you are supposed to go.
And it’s believing you are strong enough and resilient enough to handle whatever path the Universe takes you down. Even if that path is in a totally different direction than the one you were SURE was the one you were supposed to follow.
OH BOY WAS THIS FUCKING HARD TO DO IN MY DIVORCE.
There was one thing in particular I was clinging onto for dear life.
And I was expending tremendous amounts of energy in this battle.
If you’ve been around here for a while you know that I love my house.
In particular, I love my house in the summer.
Actually it’s not really even my house I love so much in the summer.
It’s my backyard.
And my pool.
My kids learned to swim in that pool.
I have so many great memories of times in the pool and times in my backyard in the summers.
The only thing I wanted out of this divorce aside from time with my kids was to stay in my house.
I knew that was what was best for the kids.
And I knew that was what was best for me.
This became a sticking point and something that was dragging out the process.
And that’s when I realized that what I truly needed was to begin my new life.
It didn’t matter where I lived.
I got so stuck on the house.
Then I tried to think about it from another perspective.
And I got to a point where I was able to think about my house without so much emotion attached to it.
And the reality is that my house is a total disaster.
When we bought it, it was an abandoned foreclosure, originally built in 1787, and we knew we had a lot of work ahead of us.
I had this romantic vision of returning the house and the property to its original glory.
But that never happened.
Reality was more like this:
Most people might describe divorce as the most difficult thing they’ve ever gone through.
But for me, going through a divorce has also probably been the most empowering experience of my entire life.
Because it led me to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life.
But also one of the smartest, most grown up, responsible, and least controlling decisions in my adult life.
I totally surrendered.
I didn’t do this with a plan in mind or a new house already nailed down.
I just let go and trusted, probably for the first time in my life, that what my kids and I needed would be sent to us.
And it was.
Sometimes you can’t possibly fathom living your life any other way because your mind is completely closed and clenched so tight.
There is no room for any other possibility to get inside your brain.
People lose dream homes all the time.
And they survive just fine.
But what I’ve realized over the last few months is the house I’ve lived in for the last 11+ years is not my dream home.
I thought it was.
But it isn’t.
It’s not the house that makes a home.
It’s the people in it.
And what I know is that I could make a toolshed into a home if I had to.
Luckily I don’t.
Because as soon as I let go, and I mean like THAT VERY SAME DAY, my realtor, who is also my good friend, texted me.
What about this place? she asked.
I went and looked at it with her and with my parents.
As soon as I walked in the front door, I knew it was the place.
Is it my dream home?
But it’s the right home.
The perfect home for the kids – and for me – at this point in my life.
It appeared instantly after I let go.
And then, four days later, my divorce was finalized.
Everything I wanted – and needed – literally fell into my lap, the second I surrendered.
I’m officially divorced.
I close on my new home in twenty-four days.
I brought the kids to see it about ten days ago and THEY LOVE IT.
I thought they would be devastated but instead, they are beyond excited.
I spent so much time and energy fighting something I thought everyone would be upset about and instead, we are all really looking forward to.
I never imagined – or really believed – that the most empowering thing I would ever do would be to completely surrender.
I was wrong.
I didn’t think I’d be able to survive missing out on every other weekend with my kids.
I was wrong.
I didn’t think I’d be able to survive leaving my house.
I was wrong.
And I didn’t think I’d be able to survive the process of divorce.
I was wrong.
And what I know now, with all of my being, is that there is nothing that can happen to me, no circumstance that presents itself, that I can’t survive.
I can get through anything.
As long as I remember to keep my eyes and my ears and my brain and my heart open.
Because when I do that?
Everything I need is presented and delivered, directly to my doorstep.
Wherever that doorstep may be.