Divorce has been a real-life intensive course in boundaries for me.
At first, it taught me that I had none, and now it’s teaching me how to establish them.
But what the heck are boundaries?
Boundaries is a pretty popular word these days, and I think it’s also misunderstood.
Especially by women my age and older who grew up believing it’s our duty to keep other people comfortable at our own expense.
Boundaries are your own personal rules that protect your time, energy, emotions, physical space, and resources.
They’re like invisible guidelines that tell others – and yourself – how you want to be treated.
Everyone’s boundaries are different. Well, they should be.
Your boundaries aren’t about what’s best for other people; they are about doing what’s best for you.
When you do what’s best for you, you show up in the best way you can for everyone else in your life.
It’s a win-win.
Boundaries are NOT about controlling others, being selfish or cold, or punishing people.
Boundaries ARE a way to communicate your needs and preferences with clarity and create healthy, respectful relationships.
Boundaries are the ultimate form of self-care.
They are your rules of the game. They determine how you interact with the world and how it interacts with you.
They keep your physical, emotional, and mental well-being intact.
You decide what they are. Not your parents. Not your spouse. Not your kids.
If you’ve been living a boundary-free life, here are some examples of what healthy boundaries look like:
- Telling a friend you’re not available for a call when you need rest
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Saying no to stuff that sucks the life out of you or that you just don’t enjoy doing
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Deciding to leave a party early when you’re overstimulated or just over it, even if other people want you to stay
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Setting a budget and sticking to it, even if it means disappointing someone’s expectations
Setting boundaries is hard at first. It’s uncomfortable.
But without boundaries, feeling overwhelmed, underappreciated, disrespected, exhausted and taken advantage of is pretty much a guarantee.
Those feelings are much more uncomfortable than learning to set boundaries.
Life with self-defined boundaries is so much better for me and everyone else I interact with. Even if it takes a little getting used to for all of us at first.
I spent most of my life setting myself on fire to keep other people warm, and the only thing that did was completely burn me out.
What I’m finally learning now is when you learn to set healthy boundaries, nobody ends up getting burned.
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