While perusing old posts I had written today, I came across one entitled Don’t Be an Asshole.
I wrote it last year in response to one of my biggest pet peeves… people who don’t return their f*&%ing carts at Costco. Or any grocery store, for that matter.
It drives me insane. And it got me thinking.
There is that poster entitled All I really need to know… I learned in kindergarten.
In theory, that may be true.
But in actuality, it’s not.
People need more specific directives.
So I didn’t make a poster. I don’t think one is enough, anyway. We need a few lists.
Plus, I think we need some lists with curse words in them, because when people do these things, it is unrealistic to expect anyone to remain calm and refrain from using all profanity.
So here is the first one:
Ten things I need to know in order not to be an asshole… I learned from observing people who are being assholes.
1. Obviously… Return your damn shopping carts.
2. Check out your parking job when you park your car. If you are over the white lines, if you are even touching the white lines, get back in the car and start over.
3. When your dog takes a shit, pick it the fuck up! Seriously! What the hell is wrong with the non-poop-picking up dog owners? If my kid steps in one more pile of dog shit when we are taking a walk I swear to God I am going to start flinging poo like a chimpanzee at the Bronx Zoo.
4. Replace the toilet paper when it runs out, goddammit. Don’t just place a new roll on top of the cardboard tube you are too lazy to take off of the toilet paper holder. Actually remove it, and put a new roll on. You’ve got the nine seconds it takes to do that.
5. Put your dirty clothes into the hamper. Not near it. In it, for fuck’s sake.
6. If there are three Cheerios left in the whole box, eat them and throw that fucker away. Do not put a box with three Cheerios in it back into the f*&%ing cabinet.
7. If there is a piece of garbage in the yard or a random piece of bologna or cheese or paper or whatever on the floor, and you have walked past it more than once, when you walk past it the next time, even if you didn’t put it there, pick it up and throw it away. Don’t wait for your mother or your father or your wife or your husband or your neighbor or anyone else to do it.
8. Use your f*&%ing turn signals when you are driving. PLEASE.
9. If you are not driving over 70 mph, stay the f*ck out of the left lane.
10. When the garbage can has reached maximum capacity, rather than seeing how many more things you can smash on top of it, empty that mothereffer.
And don’t forget to say please and thank you.