11 short years ago I was single.
Girls’ Night Out happened pretty regularly.
I had one friend in particular who guaranteed that GNO would be pretty fun.
A typical GNO with her went down like this:
1. Drink a couple beers at friend’s apartment.
2. Walk down the street to the bars.
3. Find some dudes to talk to.
4. Engage in conversation.
5. Score free drinks by manipulating conversation into a game of truth or dare where you make out with your friend.
6. Get pretty drunk.
7. Get on stage with band singing at bar.
8. Dance like a couple of idiots.
9. Laugh your ass off.
10. Pee your pants a little because level of drunkeness is as high as level of laughter.
11. Stumble home to friend’s apartment.
12. On the walk home, get asked by cop who pulls over in his car if you and your friend are okay and if you need a ride home.
13. Accept ride in the cop car while your wasted friend asks the cop if he has “ever pistol-whipped someone.”
14. Manage to avoid arrest, get home, and call it an evening.
Fast forward 11 years to a couple days ago.
Girls’ Night Out has now become Mom’s Night Out.
MNO looks a little different than GNO.
MNO typically looks like this:
1. Sprint out of the house as soon as your husband walks in the door.
2. Drive to the restaurant/bar in your 8 passenger vehicle.
3. Find the other moms and sit in a booth.
4. Order a drink, take a bunch of pictures of it, and post it all over Facebook.
5. Engage in conversation with other moms.
6. Talk about your injuries.
7. Bitch about whichever child of yours is seriously pissing you off the most at that particular moment in time.
8. Watch two drunk chicks in the booth next to you make out with each other.
9. Discuss the ways in which you let your husband know there is no way in hell he is getting laid. Like wearing the pink fuzzy robe.
10. Point at the group of pipsqueaks who enter the bar area, look at the other moms, and say, “THERE IS NO WAY THOSE KIDS ARE 21!!!”
11. Laugh your ass off.
12. Pee your pants a little because your level of bladder control is now inversely proportional to the level of laughter.
13. Say goodbye to one friend who has to leave before the pharmacy closes because her husband has run out of blood thinner medication.
14. Say “It’s past my bedtime” at least 7 times.
15. Check your phone, realize the time is now in the double digits, head to your minivan, and call it a night.
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