Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.
It is so fucking hard.
And two days ago, I was ready to be done.
Because I’m tired.
I’m tired of rehashing the same shit over and over. I’m tired of feeling like I’m failing. I’m tired of working on one thing only to realize I have another thing to work on.
I’m tired of not feeling listened to and not feeling understood.
I’m tired of being blamed and having a finger pointed at me, and I’m tired of blaming and pointing the finger at someone else.
I’m tired of fighting and to be honest, I really am tired of trying.
I want to stop having to try.
I just want to be myself and have that be enough. I don’t want to change. I don’t want to learn to do something another way.
I don’t want to learn how to communicate more effectively.
I don’t want to compromise.
Did I realize this was how it would be when my husband proposed or when I was walking down the aisle?
I envisioned his face lighting up when he saw me in my wedding dress. I envisioned babies. I envisioned decorating a house together and doing romantic stuff like making shit out of clay while he had his arms wrapped around me from behind as Unchained Melody played in the background.
I envisioned him telling me over and over again that I had him at hello.
I envisioned him standing in the driveway blasting In Your Eyes from a boombox he held over his head.
I envisioned a sweaty and long haired Mohican telling me to Just stay alive. No matter what occurs, I will find you.
I envisioned a baseball player who believes in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.
I envisioned romance and love stories.
But I didn’t envision the every day minutiae.
I didn’t envision that some of the things I loved so much about him when we first started dating would turn in to some of the things that would bug the ever living shit out of me ten years later.
I didn’t envision that the way he would want to do things and the way I would want to do things could be on completely opposite ends of the spectrum.
I didn’t envision disagreeing on so many things and being unable to find a way to work them out.
I didn’t envision arguments and misunderstandings and insults and silent treatments.
I didn’t envision my husband thinking that my way of doing things was not always the best way.
In hindsight, I didn’t envision most of the realities of marriage.
And as a result, I have spent the majority of the last five days envisioning life without my husband.
And the reality of that is that I still want to be married.
To my husband.
I’m not done yet. I’m not ready to pack it in.
The foot I had out the door is back inside the house.
Snow White and Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty and Rapunzel had to put up with a whole boatload of bullshit before they walked down the aisle.
And while they all lived happily ever after, I bet their Prince Charmings didn’t get them at times or said and did some seriously hurtful things to them and also did those super annoying smaller things like left dirty clothes all over the house or filled the freshly cleaned sink with stubble. And I bet sometimes Snow White was a serious bitch and Cinderella’s evil stepmom couldn’t keep her opinions to herself. I bet if there were sequels to those stories we would have read that Snow White and her Prince had massive blowouts or had to file for bankruptcy and Belle and the Beast had to find a way to grieve together after experiencing a miscarriage and Cinderella and the Prince had their house foreclosed on (that stuff happens to rich people, too).
We just didn’t read about those things because, well, happily ever after sounds much better.
So no, my marriage isn’t perfect. Not even close.
It’s nothing like I envisioned it would be, and making it better is going to require quite a bit of work.
A LOT OF WORK.
But I signed up for the long haul, so I’m not veering off course just yet.
I’m still writing the ending to my story.
I don’t know exactly where we are headed.
But I do know that today I’m definitely not ready to give up on that fairy tale.