Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.
It is so fucking hard.
And two days ago, I was ready to be done.
Because I’m tired.
I’m tired of rehashing the same shit over and over. I’m tired of feeling like I’m failing. I’m tired of working on one thing only to realize I have another thing to work on.
I’m tired of not feeling listened to and not feeling understood.
I’m tired of being blamed and having a finger pointed at me, and I’m tired of blaming and pointing the finger at someone else.
I’m tired of fighting and to be honest, I really am tired of trying.
I want to stop having to try.
I just want to be myself and have that be enough. I don’t want to change. I don’t want to learn to do something another way.
I don’t want to learn how to communicate more effectively.
I don’t want to compromise.
Did I realize this was how it would be when my husband proposed or when I was walking down the aisle?
No.
I envisioned his face lighting up when he saw me in my wedding dress. I envisioned babies. I envisioned decorating a house together and doing romantic stuff like making shit out of clay while he had his arms wrapped around me from behind as Unchained Melody played in the background.
I envisioned him telling me over and over again that I had him at hello.
I envisioned him standing in the driveway blasting In Your Eyes from a boombox he held over his head.
I envisioned a sweaty and long haired Mohican telling me to Just stay alive. No matter what occurs, I will find you.
I envisioned a baseball player who believes in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.
I envisioned romance and love stories.
But I didn’t envision the every day minutiae.
I didn’t envision that some of the things I loved so much about him when we first started dating would turn in to some of the things that would bug the ever living shit out of me ten years later.
I didn’t envision that the way he would want to do things and the way I would want to do things could be on completely opposite ends of the spectrum.
I didn’t envision disagreeing on so many things and being unable to find a way to work them out.
I didn’t envision arguments and misunderstandings and insults and silent treatments.
I didn’t envision my husband thinking that my way of doing things was not always the best way.
In hindsight, I didn’t envision most of the realities of marriage.
And as a result, I have spent the majority of the last five days envisioning life without my husband.
And the reality of that is that I still want to be married.
To my husband.
I’m not done yet. I’m not ready to pack it in.
The foot I had out the door is back inside the house.
Snow White and Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty and Rapunzel had to put up with a whole boatload of bullshit before they walked down the aisle.
And while they all lived happily ever after, I bet their Prince Charmings didn’t get them at times or said and did some seriously hurtful things to them and also did those super annoying smaller things like left dirty clothes all over the house or filled the freshly cleaned sink with stubble. And I bet sometimes Snow White was a serious bitch and Cinderella’s evil stepmom couldn’t keep her opinions to herself. I bet if there were sequels to those stories we would have read that Snow White and her Prince had massive blowouts or had to file for bankruptcy and Belle and the Beast had to find a way to grieve together after experiencing a miscarriage and Cinderella and the Prince had their house foreclosed on (that stuff happens to rich people, too).
We just didn’t read about those things because, well, happily ever after sounds much better.
So no, my marriage isn’t perfect. Not even close.
It’s nothing like I envisioned it would be, and making it better is going to require quite a bit of work.
A LOT OF WORK.
But I signed up for the long haul, so I’m not veering off course just yet.
I’m still writing the ending to my story.
I don’t know exactly where we are headed.
But I do know that today I’m definitely not ready to give up on that fairy tale.
Thank you for this. Even though deep down I know I’m not the only person on this planet who is struggling as much as I am, it feels somewhat comforting to SEE that I’m not the only one. While I have no expectations of a fairytale ending, I do believe that one day we can be truly happy again, and I’m not giving up until I have absolutely nothing left to give. Hang in there. You got this.
I was worried about you after the fork in the road post. I hope you and your family are doing okay. Life’s a bitch and I really appreciate your bravery in being so open with the world. I’m a long time lurker sending good thoughts your way xo.
I appreciate your honesty. I hope you find that the hard work is worth it, or at a minimum that you can be assured you’ve done all that you can for your family no matter what ending you write. I’m guessing you’d say marathon training is easier than working seriously on a marriage. I can imagine days in the past where I would rather run hills all day than work through really hard marriage stuff. One thing I’ve learned from following your blog is that you’re pretty damn tough, so I know you will get to what ever destination you choose.
I have found that letting go of certain things is liberating. It cut down on my stress level and a lot of the animosity that I felt towards my husband. Just like with your kids, you have to pick your battles. Is laundry on the floor worth a screaming match? And is the laundry on the floor really what you are fighting about? My bet is no. No it’s not.
Marriage IS hard….especially when you have two strong willed people trying to “win the war” ……sending my positive thoughts for you and yours……
Stop thinking of having a foot out the door, ever. Don’t consider divorce an option and then it won’t be. When that option is off the table, the only option is to fix it, end of story.
I always think of 1 Corinthians 7:28 – those who marry will have TRIBULATION in their flesh.
The Bible and God are very pro marriage, yet it’s honest about this! Two imperfect, selfish, sinful people struggling to life together and love one another – this is why it’s hard but it’s also why marriage can make us better people.
We’re all in there with you 🙂 I’ve read over and over by marriage experts that no matter WHO you’re married to, you’ll have 20% of the problems that are unfixable, that you will NEVER agree on, no matter if you’re married 70 years. So the question is, which sh!t sandwich do you want to eat every day? Because we all have to eat a sh!t sandwich regardless. LOL
BTW I LOVE your descriptions of romantic ideas above because we all share those! Maybe getting rid of them is part of the solution? My grandma was wiping my grandfather’s butt when she was in her 90’s. Even though they could have a nurse come in to help, she wanted to be the one to do it.
THAT is love, yo.
When my husband takes the little kids to the park after work so I can rest/read/write, THAT is love. That romantic stuff is just sissy stuff in comparison.
I know you’re advice is intended for Susie but I definitely needed to hear it today too! Thank you! You just usefully put scripture and sh!t sandwiches all in one comment and that’s awesome.
I struggle with needing to TELL my husband to show me love by doing things like taking kids to the park after work so I can do more work or to take the dog out or not to ask me important questions while I’m brushing my teeth or not to wake me up in the morning just to angrily tell me to clean up cat puke. Not that I’m holding grudges or anything….Marriage is f*#$ing hard.
Being happily single is a choice. Being married is also a choice. I think people need to stop frustrating themselves and others by blaming each other for problems they need to fix in themselves. I’ve done alot of innerwork and I feel that most men who approach me say they want a relationship but don’t want to put in the work to build a lifetime together. I’m suppose to change myself to accommodate them, lower my boundaries, change my physical self and drink enough water until I drown. In the name of being a good wife? And in the end, after I sacrifice myself, are they happy?
Love yourself. Care for yourself. And marry only someone who’s done the inner work to be able to admit to their wrongs, respect your boundaries, and love you imperfectly. Stand with God when you feel there’s no one else to stand with. Stop being tired, resentful and frustrated because you fear being alone or because everyone else is doing it.
I felt this way in my first marriage. We were married for 6 years, together for 10, college sweethearts, I thought it would always be great. But he started working out of town 4 days a week and I was left doing everything with the house while working full time myself, and while I wanted kids he was nowhere near ready. He never took my feelings into account, and when I told him he needed to get a job that let him be at home so we could work on things he said it wasn’t worth taking a pay cut. So that was the end of it for me. I walked away from that marriage, and into a relationship with real problems.
What I wouldn’t give to have those issues in my life again. To have the petty arguments of chores, and overlooked feelings. I traded those in for shouting matches, physical altercations, calls to the police, visits to rehab, sitting in courtrooms, worrying about custody of my children. In my second marriage I married an addict, and before I knew the extent of his addictions I had my first child with him. I gave him chance after chance to get better, and he could hold it together for 6 months at a time, but it always turned out the same in the end. We now have 2 children and are 9 years into our relationship and still dealing with addiction issues, and the legal issues that stem from that. There are severe trust issues, and hurts that will never heal even with a lifetime of therapy and healing.
I guess the point of all this is, when you’re sitting there looking at the man you married and you’re thinking about how much you dislike him and how much better things could be, just consider for a minute that maybe the things that you are bothered by in the grand scheme of things just aren’t that important. I’d give anything in the world to be annoyed at my husband for hair in the sink or dirty clothes on the floor.
Our issues are significant. Well beyond hair in the sink or clothes on the floor and they are years in the making. But some of the bigger things stem from not able to communicate effectively at all with the little stuff, and the big stuff is impossible to even think about discussing. It’s complicated. But so is marriage sometimes. But maybe if we could effectively communicate the little things and the big things and the entire marriage would be much simpler.
I’ve been finding that many things stem from ineffective communication in my own relationship. Last month, my fiancé and I called off our wedding that was planned for this August. We’ve known each other for over 10 years and have been in a relationship for almost 4 years. We were long distance until this February and have now realized that type of relationship (long-distance) fostered a communication style between us that won’t be sustainable in the long run. We would visit each other every couple of weeks and if there were arguments, we’d blow up, kind of get over it, then a day or two later, one of us would be leaving and going back to where we lived.
This past month has been a huge wake up call for both of us. We still love each other and are both committed to continuing in our relationship and forming a deeper relationship with each other. We’re going to couples therapy because we wanted to be proactive with the issues that were coming up, instead of pushing it under the rug and being reactive to it later on.
It was SO hard cancelling a wedding three months before it was supposed to happen. But now, we’re actually addressing how we’re feeling instead of just opinions (Less and less of “I feel that…” – even though it has the word “feel” in it, it’s still an opinion!). By taking it a day at a time, we’ve started to make progress.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. 5 years ago I was in a relationship with an alcoholic. Though we didn’t have children, we had all the other problems that came with it. Arguments, money problems, legal problems, visits to rehab, finding him wandering the streets drunk out of his mind, being locked out of the apartment because he set the chain lock and was too drunk/passed out to hear me shouting to be let in, etc.
Now I’m in the kind of relationship with the small fights. We had a fight this morning over something pretty silly in comparison to what I’ve dealt with before. The fight was my fault (nitpicking at something), and I think I needed to be reminded that these little things that bother me just aren’t that important.
Thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you and I hope you get through all this.
I am glad to hear that you are giving it another try. I have been a reader for a while and I think you “cycle” just like I do. Right now it feels the worst, everything is adding up, but you have some really positive posts where you are dead set on working it out and being positive. Stick with it, get back to the positive. The life shift after have the foreclosure threat lifted is huge, don’t underestimate how that affects your life. Good luck!
You’re a fighter and don’t give up. No one said marriage would be easy and I’m proud you understand that
Holy shit I love this! This is just great and I totally get it. You know what is refreshing? Wives think about this topic also. There is no doubt that marriage is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and there are days when i want to do nothing but just throw in the towel. FUCK IT, I’VE HAD ENOUGH! I’M OUT!
I’ve found that my relationship with my wife ebbs and flows like waves in an ocean and just about every 3 or 6 months we have a epic blow up that spins me right back into the “FUCK IT’S”. The bottom line for me is this simple fact, this marriage thing takes work and I’m lazy. There are some days when i listen to my wife and try to do something special for her and there are days that I just don’t really give a shit because I’m tired. It’s a give and take I guess.
What I do know is this, wives want to be loved and they want their husband to validate their love for them often. I personally don’t do this very well! Men on the other hand want to be respected! Let me say that again! Men want to be respected. I would rather be “respected” first and “loved” second.
I will tell you this, when I’m able to let my wife know how much I love her and appreciate her, almost 95% of the time she finds a way to show me some respect which makes me want to love her more.
I think for me, there is no right or wrong. I think there is something healthy about not always being able to get alone. There is no fairy tale, at least I’ve never seen it. Marriage is work and there are some days at “work” when everything is amazing and there are some days at “work” when everything goes wrong and it sucks.
When I’m able to clear away all the bullshit and noise and resentments and really think about US. There is no other person in the world that knows me like my wife does. We have fought in the trenches together. I can fix the hole in the sheet rock, she can help tutor our kids when it comes to homework. We are a team and 75% of the time we work like a perfectly timed high performance engine keeping our family running, it’s effortless. It’s when I find myself spending most of my time obsessing about the other 25% is when I get in trouble and “other” options look appealing.
“We emerge into the light not by denying our pain, but by walking out through it!” Joan Borysenko
Keep walking girl, this too shall pass!
Renick, I love this, and you are so right. I’m working on that respect thing. I know that’s one of my biggest hurdles and something I really need to work on if this marriage is going to get to a healthier and happier place.
Outstanding… I love your honestly! It’s raw and real and I truelly appreciate it! Thank you.
Turn on Netflix and watch Fireproof, then buy the Love Dare book. Amazing movie!!!
Oh, Hawkeye! I was team Uncas-
I have a question for Renick. How does a wife show her husband respect? I don’t even know what that means and I am curious. Is it just listening or is it giving praise. I would love some examples. I think I have a good marriage but don’t know if I actually show my husband respect. I am just curious what that means from a man.
I have a response to this, but I’m gonna make it a post. Coming very soon!
Hey Carolyn, this is a great question and susie does address it in her latest post. I would start by simplying asking your husband how he defines respect and build it from there. I’ll share this example with you, my wife and I attended a party recently and I was sitting down with the guys shooting the breeze. My wife told me lunch/dinner was being served (buffet) and I should go up a get something. I was in a deep conversation about sports or whatever and my wife came up to me after 15 minutes and said “excuse me honey, can I get you something to eat? I see you are in the middle of a conversation and just tell me what you want and I’ll get it for you!” My jaw about hit the floor and so did just about every other guys in the conversation. I was perfectly capable of getting my own food and nor do I even expect my wife to get me my food, but at that moment she did and she did it in front of all the other guys at the table. It was epic! When we got home, I made sure to tell my wife how much I appreciated her doing that. I told her how respected I felt and the fact that she did it in front of the other dudes was also outstanding. Listen my wife is an educated, smart and strong willed woman and she doesn’t have to ever bring me my food, but the fact that she did was just awesome. It doesn’t have to be in front of the guys either.
Blow jobs. That goes so far. You can be acomplete bitch and he will do your bidding forever. Just suck it! Thats all it take. Oriental women know that
On a light note, check out “Once upon a time” on netflix if you want to the next chapter in alot of these stories
Thanks so much for this post. I’m single and have been telling my friends that I have been “counting the cost” of marriage – thinking through the things that I would need to give up to be in a relationship, asking my married friends questions about the hard work they put in.
I’ve received some questioning looks and this post affirms that I am on the right track.
The Dear Wonderful Hubby and I have been happily married for over 20 years.
The first few years were rough. We were trying different ways of communicating, of making decisions, and many of them didn’t work. Every person is different and there are two of us in our relationship. That made it doubly difficult.
But once we found ways that worked for us…well…married life just keeps getting better and better. There are challenges (deaths, illnesses, job losses, that we couldn’t have children and weren’t eligible to adopt, etc) but having those communication and decision making systems in place helped us deal with them.
Once you’ve found your systems, marriage should get much easier for you too.
(big hugs)
Hey Susie! I just wanted to let you know that I have featured this post on my most recent installment of Little Bits of Inspiration! Thanks so much for always inspiring me and making me feel sane!
Shelbee
http://www.shelbeeontheedge.com/little-bits-of-inspiration-10/
Thanks so much, Shelbee!And you’re welcome 😉
Yeah, Check out this video series. Kind of resonates: http://www.marriageisfuckinghard.com