Good morning! I know you have a lot going on right now… I am finally reaching out to you hoping for some of that not so average magic that you have flowing in your veins…. but Susie i’ve reached the end of my rope and I just don’t know how to feel anymore.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for three years now, we met around the time he was finalizing the divorce of his first marriage. I’ve tried to be very very patient and understanding about where he’s coming from in terms of relationship/wedding stuff. I try very hard to not bring it up much because i don’t want him to think of me as a nag or putting pressure on him.
All that being said, i had a break down this morning. My cousin, the one im closest to and the one closest in age to me, recently got engaged and set her wedding date in october. while im really happy for her i cant help but be extremely upset by the fact that i was really hoping to be following that exact same time line this year.
I’ve wanted to get married in october for pretty much as long as I knew what marriage was, and i have this notion (which i understand is crazy) that i just really really dont want to be a certain age or above in my pictures. im trying to let that go, but its really hard to watch everyone getting and having the exact things that you so insanely yearn for. I know i want to marry him, it’s not just about having a wedding for me its about becoming something more with him, no one else will do.
Part of my emotional problem is the fact that I can’t shake these poisonous thoughts about the fact that he loved her enough to marry her but he doesnt seem to love me enough to move past that and try again. Again i know i probably sound really spoiled and bratty and that i should just enjoy the time we have because marriage is hard and dating is (relatively) easy. But Susie I can’t turn of my feelings and I’ve run out of ideas on how to deal with them that doesnt involve a shot gun wedding (haha)…
…P.S. I forgot to mention that my boyfriend recently told me that he didnt want to get married again until he was no longer living paycheck by paycheck... it seems to me that at this point the earliest he will “be ready” to marry me is at the very least 2 years from now, those two years puts me at the age i wanted to have had my first kid by…
I’m not sure where to start, so I’m just gonna go in the order of your message.
Firstly, thank you for the kind words. I really appreciate them.
I don’t think I really have any not so average magic flowing in my veins. But if I did, I would definitely try to use it. But not on your boyfriend.
I’d use it on you.
I’m not sure how old you are, but I have a feeling you are nowhere near thirty yet.
And so I really, really hope you will listen to what I say.
I’ve said this before.
Marriage is fucking hard.
The hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Harder than being a parent.
Harder than giving birth and running a marathon and filing for bankruptcy and getting a root canal and watching 8-year-old girls play rec league basketball for ninety minutes every Saturday morning and listening to a 1st grader sound out every word in a Henry and Mudge book and watching the same episode of Caillou 14 times in a row without gouging my own eyeballs out all simultaneously. And repeatedly.
It is physically and emotionally draining.
Of course there are amazing, heart-melting parts.
But they are often few and far between.
And determining the cut off date for when you want to get married based on what you want to look like in your pictures is, well, it’s, um…
How do I put this?
Um… it’s really fucking stupid.
Ok. I’m trying to be non-judgmental and understanding.
But I feel like someone needs to smack some serious sense into you.
You can get married by a certain age so you look good in your wedding pictures if you really want to.
But I would bet my life savings (which is zero right now, but still…) that you won’t look at them after your five year anniversary.
Because you will be divorced by then.
And then you’ll have to start your whole process all over again.
And you’ll be at least 10 years older (and thousands of dollars poorer) than you originally wanted to be when you have the pictures at your second wedding taken.
I got married to my husband when I was 35.
Here’s my picture:
I think I look pretty smokin.
So fuck your timeline.
You will look beautiful in your pictures whatever age you are.
There are lots of Octobers.
So again, fuck the timeline.
As for you feeling like your boyfriend doesn’t love you enough to marry you when he loved his ex wife enough to marry her…
First of all, divorces can be traumatic.
And I don’t say that lightly.
I mean like PTSD fucking traumatic.
I don’t know what the circumstances are for him, and I don’t know how old he was when he got married that first time around.
But I’m guessing he might have been on the young side.
Maybe he didn’t think things through.
Maybe he rushed into things.
Maybe he thought he was in love, but he wasn’t.
Maybe he loves you enough to want to make sure everything is right.
Maybe the divorce fucking wore him out and scared the crap out of him.
Maybe it was a combination of all that.
And I know you were joking about the shotgun wedding. Sort of.
The fact that you made a joke about that indicates to me that the thought has probably crossed your mind.
If I got pregnant then he would have to marry me.
I guarantee you that is not the reason why you want to get married.
Plus, then you will be pregnant in your wedding pictures.
And I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want that.
Finally, as for your boyfriend wanting to wait until he is more financially stable before he gets married again.
GOOD FOR HIM.
I would imagine the divorce cost him lots of money.
Whether he has to pay alimony or child support or not.
Divorces aren’t just expensive. They can be financially devastating. And that is emotionally devastating. Especially to men.
Trust me. I know.
And I also know that financial issues are one of the biggest things married couples fight about.
My husband and I have been living paycheck to paycheck for our entire marriage.
And we fight about money all the time.
All. The. Time.
We are working on it.
But I would give anything to not have that issue in our marriage.
So rather than be upset with your boyfriend for wanting to wait until he is financially secure to get married again, I would be proud of him.
He wants a solid foundation for your relationship and marriage.
And that right there, as far as I’m concerned, is totally worth waiting for.