Dear NYAM:
Good morning! I know you have a lot going on right now… I am finally reaching out to you hoping for some of that not so average magic that you have flowing in your veins…. but Susie i’ve reached the end of my rope and I just don’t know how to feel anymore.
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for three years now, we met around the time he was finalizing the divorce of his first marriage. I’ve tried to be very very patient and understanding about where he’s coming from in terms of relationship/wedding stuff. I try very hard to not bring it up much because i don’t want him to think of me as a nag or putting pressure on him.
All that being said, i had a break down this morning. My cousin, the one im closest to and the one closest in age to me, recently got engaged and set her wedding date in october. while im really happy for her i cant help but be extremely upset by the fact that i was really hoping to be following that exact same time line this year.
I’ve wanted to get married in october for pretty much as long as I knew what marriage was, and i have this notion (which i understand is crazy) that i just really really dont want to be a certain age or above in my pictures. im trying to let that go, but its really hard to watch everyone getting and having the exact things that you so insanely yearn for. I know i want to marry him, it’s not just about having a wedding for me its about becoming something more with him, no one else will do.
Part of my emotional problem is the fact that I can’t shake these poisonous thoughts about the fact that he loved her enough to marry her but he doesnt seem to love me enough to move past that and try again. Again i know i probably sound really spoiled and bratty and that i should just enjoy the time we have because marriage is hard and dating is (relatively) easy. But Susie I can’t turn of my feelings and I’ve run out of ideas on how to deal with them that doesnt involve a shot gun wedding (haha)…
…P.S. I forgot to mention that my boyfriend recently told me that he didnt want to get married again until he was no longer living paycheck by paycheck... it seems to me that at this point the earliest he will “be ready” to marry me is at the very least 2 years from now, those two years puts me at the age i wanted to have had my first kid by…
Dear October,
Okay.
Whoah.
I’m not sure where to start, so I’m just gonna go in the order of your message.
Firstly, thank you for the kind words. I really appreciate them.
Next.
I don’t think I really have any not so average magic flowing in my veins. But if I did, I would definitely try to use it. But not on your boyfriend.
I’d use it on you.
I’m not sure how old you are, but I have a feeling you are nowhere near thirty yet.
And so I really, really hope you will listen to what I say.
I’ve said this before.
Marriage is fucking hard.
The hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Harder than being a parent.
Harder than giving birth and running a marathon and filing for bankruptcy and getting a root canal and watching 8-year-old girls play rec league basketball for ninety minutes every Saturday morning and listening to a 1st grader sound out every word in a Henry and Mudge book and watching the same episode of Caillou 14 times in a row without gouging my own eyeballs out all simultaneously. And repeatedly.
It is physically and emotionally draining.
Of course there are amazing, heart-melting parts.
But they are often few and far between.
And determining the cut off date for when you want to get married based on what you want to look like in your pictures is, well, it’s, um…
How do I put this?
Um… it’s really fucking stupid.
Ok. I’m trying to be non-judgmental and understanding.
But I feel like someone needs to smack some serious sense into you.
You can get married by a certain age so you look good in your wedding pictures if you really want to.
But I would bet my life savings (which is zero right now, but still…) that you won’t look at them after your five year anniversary.
Because you will be divorced by then.
And then you’ll have to start your whole process all over again.
And you’ll be at least 10 years older (and thousands of dollars poorer) than you originally wanted to be when you have the pictures at your second wedding taken.
I got married to my husband when I was 35.
Here’s my picture:
I think I look pretty smokin.
So fuck your timeline.
Really.
You will look beautiful in your pictures whatever age you are.
Next.
There are lots of Octobers.
So again, fuck the timeline.
As for you feeling like your boyfriend doesn’t love you enough to marry you when he loved his ex wife enough to marry her…
First of all, divorces can be traumatic.
And I don’t say that lightly.
I mean like PTSD fucking traumatic.
I don’t know what the circumstances are for him, and I don’t know how old he was when he got married that first time around.
But I’m guessing he might have been on the young side.
Maybe he didn’t think things through.
Maybe he rushed into things.
Maybe he thought he was in love, but he wasn’t.
Maybe he loves you enough to want to make sure everything is right.
Maybe the divorce fucking wore him out and scared the crap out of him.
Maybe it was a combination of all that.
And I know you were joking about the shotgun wedding. Sort of.
The fact that you made a joke about that indicates to me that the thought has probably crossed your mind.
If I got pregnant then he would have to marry me.
I guarantee you that is not the reason why you want to get married.
Plus, then you will be pregnant in your wedding pictures.
And I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want that.
Finally, as for your boyfriend wanting to wait until he is more financially stable before he gets married again.
Well…
GOOD FOR HIM.
I would imagine the divorce cost him lots of money.
Whether he has to pay alimony or child support or not.
Divorces aren’t just expensive. They can be financially devastating. And that is emotionally devastating. Especially to men.
Trust me. I know.
And I also know that financial issues are one of the biggest things married couples fight about.
My husband and I have been living paycheck to paycheck for our entire marriage.
And we fight about money all the time.
All. The. Time.
It sucks.
We are working on it.
But I would give anything to not have that issue in our marriage.
So rather than be upset with your boyfriend for wanting to wait until he is financially secure to get married again, I would be proud of him.
He wants a solid foundation for your relationship and marriage.
And that right there, as far as I’m concerned, is totally worth waiting for.
Check out this set and and tons of other cute stuff out at Betsy Boo’s Boutique !
This was brilliant.
Spot on. I used to be the same. Moaning cos my boyfriend (my phone tried to change that to big-endian!?) wouldn’t propose cos he wouldn’t give me kids. He had two already from two failed relationships. Both he had been engaged to, both turned out to be not so nice……i realise thst by waiting he was not punishing me, not making me feel less than them, he was making sure I was ‘the one’. I’m 33, still not married but actually engaged now with two kids who I swear if I’d of had them years ago when I wanted would of driven me clinically insane. His longest relationship before me was 2 years and We’ve been together 13 years this past weekend. He waited because he loved me more than them. We still have no money but I think I’m in a much better place now mentally to cope with anything.
You’re advice is spot on.
Flawless!
Wonderful advice. Spot on! I’ve been married almost 25 years and at our 22 year mark my spouse developed a substance abuse problem, went to rehab, got out and started back immediately. Almost died due to an overdose, was arrested and sent to a rehab facility and has been clean and sober for over a year. Went through our savings, suspended from his lucrative law practice and after being a stay at home mom for 24 years I am working two jobs. I also chose to stay with him and support him. We have three children, two in college and one in high school. Marriage is hard and at times the easiest thing to do is to give up. Some days it is all I can do to just go through the motions. Your blog makes me laugh when I need a good laugh and also makes me stop and think. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
I know what that feels like. To be in your 20’s and watching your friends get married and have babies. I can’t tell you the number of weddings I cried in the bathroom because, not only was I not married, I was perpetually single. Didn’t usually even have a date I was willing to bring to the wedding. I met my husband when I was 28. We got married when I was 30. We had our first child when I was 33 and our second when I was 35.
Is that the plan I had when I was younger. No.
Has everything worked out the way it was supposed to? Yes.
You have to have faith. Just know that it will work out the way it’s supposed to.
I have to admit, although I agree with you 90%, I thought you were going in a different (and more in line with my thinking) was when you said “Because you will be divorced by then.” In reading the email from your reader, I was struck by the fact that she and her boyfriend were seemingly in different places about the idea of marriage, the “criteria” for deciding when to get hitched, and also perhaps weren’t communicating their needs very well. If he marries her when he’s not ready, they may indeed be divorced in five years. And also, if she waits around for someone with whom she is not getting her needs met (not the “getting married by the time I’m x years old”, but feeling heard and that they are on the same page with LIFE), they also may end up divorced. I am concerned that the question of the timing of the marriage is indicative of larger issues in their relationship. p.s. Aren’t you impressed I got all of that from an email on a website from someone I don’t even know. 🙂
Exactly true! My husband wanted to be in the right place and made me wait 4 years until we got married!!! I look back and wish with all of my heart that I had given him a break. Then I wish I would have took it easy and REALLY enjoyed those beautiful times with him more. Those times DO NOT HAPPEN after you are married. You are in the best, sweetest time in life. Some day you will have pressure and hard times and look back at the time you are now and WISH it was like that again. BE HAPPY and content right where you are Suzie is right!!!!!!
I’ve been a reader for a while now and this is my first comment because this was the BEST and most TRUTHFUL advice. I wrote something similar about my first year of marriage on my blog, and I married my husband after EIGHT years and it was still like being strapped on a coaster to hell in gasoline undies! It’s so much more than a wedding, it’s a merging of lives, good bad and ugly! Thank you for always being honest!
All of your advice, every single bit of it, was spot on and so true. Unfortunately, this will fall on the deaf ears of someone who obviously has NO CLUE what marriage, parenthood and TRAUMATIC divorce is really like. There are so many “I” statements in this letter from “October”. Your patience with her is truly truly admirable. As a 44 year old mother of 3, I was married by age 23, had 2 kids by age 27 and was divorced by age 40. After almost 18 years of marriage to THE MAN I COULD NEVER LIVE WITHOUT, we got divorced. PTSD is an accurate assessment. Financial stresses, sharing 2 kids, adjusting to maintaining 2 households, etc. Just about every stress you could ever imagine comes with a divorce.
While we can ALL give our stories and the advice that is 100% right on, it will not change “October’s” mind. It would not have changed mine when I was 23 years old. I wanted to get married and have kids and that would make everything perfect. I wish, that we could spare this woman the heartache that will inevitably come if she continues with this narrative for her life. I wish I had listened so many years ago when someone gave me the same advice. We just have to make our mistakes and do the best we can and I am SO THANKFUL that there is a guiding force for good named Susie who always writes it down and makes me think. Keep blogging and thank you again for being a realist and an example! Keep writing!!
Last night, when Susie told me this post was up, I had a panic attack. I paniked about what she was going to say and a lot about what the comments would say. My parents went through a terrible divorce that took over 10 years to complete and a lot of friendtherapy to come to terms with, yet here I am asking advice about something that I recognize as unreasonable. I was not asking for advice on how to get my boyfriend to marry me when I wanted, I was asking for advice on how to handle my feelings about the situation so that I could refrain from nagging and pushing my boyfriend, and that couldalso help me stop my crazy unhealthy thoughts. Susie’s tough love and honesty is exactly what I wanted and needed. Thankfully I messaged her with an open mind and a realistic idea of what she might say, What she said completely opened mind to the underlying issue, the real problem. I must say how GRATEFUL AND THANKFUL I am for Susie and her patience. I have tried to talk to a few people about my issue only to be brushed off and pushed aside (hence the panic attack about reaching out to a complete stranger whom I admire so much.) I want to say thank you to everyone who commented as well, Especially Jessica who seems to be able to not only agree witht the advice, but understand and relate to where my emotions are coming from. So while I did make alot of “I” statements, it was because I know that I am the one with the problem and I am the one who has to change my mind set. The advice was for me to help me work on me, it had very little to do with my amazing and wonderful boyfriend.
After reading the post (and coming out of the anxiety attack) my eyes were completely opened, Susie I not only listened but I really truly HEAR your words and I took them straight to heart, it means the world to me that you responded, and I just wanted to thank you again and thank you to your extremely lovely and wonderful blog community. Now whenever that crazy voice in my head strikes up I can open this post and remind myself it’s ok to be happy with the relationship as it is. (Not to mention the fact that that you really reminded me that while he may not express it, the divorce really hurt him too.) I can not only be better to myself now, but I can be a better girlfriend to my boyfriend, and no amount of words could ever say what that means to me! <3<3<3
October,
When I am wrong, I try to admit it, own it and make it right. I think I kind of forgot there was a REAL PERSON behind your letter to Susie and I am very sorry for that. Everything that you talked about, reminded me of my young, 20 something self that was so eager to get married and have kids, etc.
You made me realize that I should NEVER speak in broad generalizations and always remember that there is a person behind this blog and it’s content. It takes guts to write what you wrote and ask for help. It takes even more guts to allow Susie to share your words and allow us to comment. After reading your reply I realize that you are a WHOLE LOT more together and smart than I was when I was in this situation. Susie is an amazing motivator and she has also taught me so much about accountability, how my behavior and words affect others and how to be a better mom, At 44 I thought I knew it all but she challenges me with every post that she writes.
Hang in there, stay brave and as long as you own your “stuff” your relationship will develop organically and almost magically I can imagine, Oh, and keep Susie posted. I have never commented on this blog and I have been reading it almost since the beginning and I would love to hear how it all works out.
Humbly,
Marilee
Dear Marilee,
Thank you so much for your amazing words!! I completely understand the whole forgetting the real person thing, especially in this day and age with facebook on other social media! I’ll be honest, it took a lot for me to become as open as I was to Susie’s words, and a nice chunk of that credit totally goes to Susie and her past posts! You wonderful amazing ladies pave the way for the rest of us with your honesty (because osmetimes what you really need to hear is that your idea is stupid especially when it is hahah) You ladies will definietly recieve a save the date, whenever and however it happens!!
We may not have ever “met” but I have much love for you ladies, truly!!
Feeling 1000% lighter, October
October, you are so sweet! It takes a lot of courage to ask for someone’s opinion and then to accept it with an open mind.
Susie, you DO look smoking in that picture! And I think you are our world’s modern “Dear Abby!”
Best,
Cassidy
http://tuesdaystantrum.blogspot.com/2015/02/pooping-competition.html