We are approaching that time of year when people resolve to get in shape and purchase a gym membership. If you are new to the gym, I feel I should warn you about something.
After attending 4 bazillion fitness and spin classes myself, and after performing hours of careful scientific observation, I have determined that about half of the participants are normal. The other half are annoying, and they fall into one of the following categories:
This person has to try and outdo the instructor.
At all times.
Hides in the back of the room. He or she wears enough clothing to survive 24 hours in the Arctic, but leaves the class without a single drop of sweat on his or her body and with a heart rate lower than what it was upon entering the room.
Produces an inhuman amount of sweat. This one is not really annoying. More just impressive and awe inspiring.
The Muhammad Ali:
Seen in classes involving some form of boxing. He or she (usually she) is under the impression that the heavyweight title is on the line, and is bobbing and weaving like a lunatic.
Sounds like he or she is about to have a heart attack. Or give birth. Or both.
“Wooo-hoooos” and “Yeahs!” throughout the class. Often seen in combination with the slacker, so as to take the focus off of how little work he or she is doing.
The Do Your Own Thing-er:
Does not do one single thing the instructor asks him or her to do. If you are standing, she is sitting. If you are supposed to be on a level 9 and climbing a steep hill, she is on a level 5, and bouncing around like Animal from the Muppets.
Talks throughout the entire class. No one wants to be next to this person.
Weighs 98 pounds, is 5′ 9″, has zero percent body fat but double Ds, is wearing lipstick, smells like vanilla stripper perfume — even at the end of the class, and her expertly applied 4 pounds of makeup never runs or smudges.
At some point I suppose I’ve been more than one of the annoying people on the list. Well, except for that last one. My perfume is a little more citrus-y.