This morning we were having a hard time getting things moving, so rather than freak out and have everyone rushing and starting off the day feeling stressed and frazzled, I told Number 6 and 7 I would drive them to school.
That gave us an extra half hour.
As I was driving, Number 7 asked me a question.
First, it’s important to know a little bit about Number 7.
Number 7 is eight years old, and she has always marched to the beat of her own drum.
This can be frustrating at times — okay, a lot of the time — but it’s also something I find super admirable, and I think it’s a characteristic that will serve her well for the rest of her life.
About a year or so ago, Number 7 had a style evolution, and she decided she really only wanted to wear “boy” clothes.
She loves anything that is dry-fit and grey, white, or black. She’ll wear blue or red, too.
But pink and purple — her two favorite colors until very recently — are now off limits.
Okay. So back to the question Number 7 asked me in the car…
As we were driving to school, Number 7 said, “Mom, do you think it’s mean to call someone a half boy?
“A half boy?” I repeated.
“Yeah,” she said.
I thought about it for a minute.
“Did someone call you a half boy?” I asked her.
“Yeah,” she answered.
I asked her who said that to her. It was a girl in her class. Someone she wasn’t particularly good friends with, but not someone she ever had a problem with or anyone I’d heard about before.
“Did she say that recently?” I asked.
“Yeah, yesterday.”
“What did she say?”
She explained that someone had drawn a picture and a group of girls were looking at it, and Number 7 said, “That’s pretty.”
And this little girl said to her, “Why did you say pretty? You’re a half boy.”
“She’s called me that a bunch of times,” Number 7 told me.
OH BOY DID I GO DIRECTLY INTO MAMA BEAR MODE.
I was ready to email the teacher and find that kid and contact her parents and start a school-wide anti bullying campaign.
But I didn’t say anything and I just let the information sit for a little bit.
I could have gone directly to the teacher.
But the reality is that Number 7 — and everyone else in the Universe — is going to have to know how to navigate many, many more of these situations. Situations where people say things that can be construed as hurtful.
And the truth of the matter is that those words mean nothing until Number 7 assigns a meaning to them.
So rather than teach her that when someone says something that could be described as offensive you immediately decide to be offended and hurt your own feelings, we talked about it.
First, I asked her if she was okay.
“How do you feel about what she said?” I asked her. “Are you alright?”
“I’m okay,” she said.
“Does it bother you?” I asked her.
“Nope,” she said. “Because I’m not a half boy. I’m a whole girl.”
The fact that she brought it up and asked if I thought it was mean led me to believe that it kind of bothered her a little bit. But she was okay.
So then I said to her,
“What Jenny* said to you is not about you. It’s about her. Jenny obviously thinks there are words only boys should use and words only girls should use. And she thinks there are clothes only boys should wear and clothes only girls should wear.
That’s too bad,” I said to Number 7. “Somewhere along the way, her parents or somebody in her life taught her that.
Lucky for you, you know anybody can wear anything. And anybody can like anything. And anybody can use any words they want to describe anything. And maybe you can be the person who shows other people that it’s okay to be yourself, and it’s okay to do stuff and wear stuff even if everybody else isn’t doing it.”
Number 7 smiled.
“There’s another girl in school who wears boy clothes,” Number 7 told me. “And Shannon* and Brooke* (two of Number 7’s best friends) are starting to wear boy clothes now too. Because of me.”
She said that last part extra proudly.
It was clear that she got it.
We had a really good conversation in the car.
School is only about 3 miles away, so it wasn’t a super long conversation.
But it was impactful. And it was important.
For both of us.
I think Number 7 is really beginning to understand that lesson. The lesson that what other people say to us means nothing until we give it a meaning.
Oh how I wish I had started learning this when I was eight years old and not forty-eight years old!
I may be 43 years behind Number 7, but that’s okay.
Because I learned something else today, too.
I learned to hold back. I learned to resist that instant and automatic physical response to rip the head off of any other human being that says or does something mean or hurtful to my kid.
Especially my baby.
This is for sure one of the hardest aspects of parenting.
But the more I practice it, the more my kids benefit and the easier it gets.
And the next time that little girl calls Number 7 a half boy, well, she’ll be armed with a whole bunch of ways to remind herself that the only thoughts and words about her that matter…
are the ones that come from her own brain.
*names have been changed
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Maybe she’s trying to get her dad’s attention.
She already had my attention….when she was born. But interesting theory.
Okay, Dr. Freud! đ Nah, she and her dad spend lots of time together. She just likes that style and the comfort of those clothes. I don’t blame her. No time wasted on figuring out what to wear, and nothing is ever tight or restrictive. She’s smarter than the rest of us.
I’m hoping its just a fashion choice and nothing more, but I would mention that a sudden shift could also mean she’s been sexually harassed or someone made a comment about her body. I love her spirit and independence but I thought it worth mentioning
Nah — I’m certain it was just that she decided the “boy” clothes were much cooler and WAY more comfortable. But something to think about for sure.
This was a great story , we are never to old to learn something valuable. Your #7 is a very bright “whole Girl ” . I think you handled the situation beautifully!
I have been a “tom boy” my whole life, that does not make me less girl/woman. I am a boy mom today of two, I think life was preparing me for them to come into my life. I love your story. I get it that it is so difficult to not react before thinking when it comes to our kids, a lesson I too am learning. It is NOT easy.
Or maybe she doesnât let the clothes she wears define her and chooses comfort over conformity.
Barr – Or maybe she’s wearing clothes she likes and finds comfortable. What a weird comment that completly misses the point of the post.
I dressed just like her when I was young. I played with all the boys in the neighborhood and ended up playing college hockey. Today I rock the heels and the hoodies. Thank God my parents didnât turn me off from my tomboy ways. It made me such a stronger woman. I will definitely let my own girls choose their path. You are great parents.
Same with my beautiful, smart, tough 27 year old daughter. She was and always will be an athlete and able to knock your socks off in a dress.
Wore her brothers clothes for years and no one gave a crap.
Live and let live!
I wish I had handled this as wonderfully as you did when my daughter had the same issues 20 years ago. I felt the same but did not handle with your grace.
I’ve had lots of kids to practice on đ¤Ł
And if you had just rushed and shuffled her onto the bus that day neither of you would have had that amazing moment. I have dressed in boys clothes my whole life. More comfortable, easier and faster to shop for, usually cheaper and non-restrictive. Woman’s clothes are designed to shape a body a certain way, the way society thinks woman should be shaped. Its been happening for so long that when girls (and boys too) stand up to society and challenge those gender roles- it scares people. Change scares people. But we all know change happens daily and supporting people through any change is the most important thing. The easier it is then the smoother it goes. And that goes for any change- divorce, coming out, moving, style choices, diet changes, loss of people in their lives. It doesnt matter. Knowing they are supported and loved is all anyone needs. Thank you driving her that day and not rushing to get the bus.
We called it being a tomboy back then đ
Good for her! And good for you for listening to your daughter and constructing meaning together. Maybe one day she will decide to be a half-boy herself, and then she will already know she has your love and acceptance no matter what. Awesome parenting.
Well done, mama bear. I had the same issues growing up myself (the word ‘tomboy’ is my least favourite in the world, because it denies there is more than one way of being a girl ….) and then with my own children.
One of those kids has, in fact, grown up to explore a gender identity outside of “girl”. It’s still evolving and we don’t know where the end point will be, but the point is … conversations like the one you have had with your daughter will make it easier for children like mine to move through the world in future.
I’m not suggesting your girl is trans, but the simple act of encouraging children to question gender roles and confront stupid preconceptions will smooth the path for others. As parent of a wonderful trans kid, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
J.
I was just shy of 42 years old(today) when I learned this lesson about giving meaning to others words, but the best part was holding back from mama bear mode! I can learn from that! Great lesson for me today! â¤ď¸
My Grandaughter is 10 and for the most part is always dressed in athletic wear the same as your #7. She is very athletic and active and likes comfortable clothing and the looks of it as well. When she was going to her Father/Daughter dance event at school dressed in leggings, top and vest with boots her dad asked, âWill you feel bad if all the other girls are wearing dresses?â Her answer: âFor them?â
That’s the best answer ever. Good for her. đ
All I can say is that you both are rock stars!
My children are all grown and I think are pretty wonderful humans but I wish I had your wisdom when my children were that age!
Awesome job on both of tour parts!!!
My 7 year daughter (G3) and your #7 sound a lot alike! About 6 months ago she found some boy boxer briefs that she like and wanted them… And she loved the comfort right away. Since then weâve been shopping in the boys section. She loves the comfort and style much much better! She even decided to cut her curly hair into a pixie cut and loves the maintenance free hairstyle. Shahs been made fun of at school and girls ask her âwhy are you wearing only boy clothesâ?
She doesnât let it get to her at all! She loves being who she is and Iâm so proud of her for that!
Iâm proud of your #7 also!
My 13 year old is exactly the same. Sweats, t-shirt, hoodie, and sneakers. No interest in styling her hair or wearing makeup. She looks in the menâs department for most of her clothes, but especially her cleats. Pastels and pink are a NO go. I made a deal with her. One day a week, I want her to dress a little outside of her norm. Nothing crazy. Jeans and a sweater? Leggings with a tunic? One school day a week. Reluctantly, she has met my request. Itâs not to punish her, but to let her understand that different situations in life may require her to step outside of her comfort zone. I love thatâs she is unique and confident in herself. And her true friends appreciate her being the caring, funny, and genuine person she is.
My daughter dressed like that when she was your daughter’s age. She thought the clothes were way more comfortable and practical. She was a tom boy and played sports and I was always proud of her! By the time she went to high school and discovered boys she started wearing different stuff. I always taught my girls that your clothes don’t define you as a person your words and actions do. Be a good person and friend. Now my daughter is all grown up, married and a mom. She’s amazing and I hope she teaches her children the same lesson.
Personally I think we see that. Lots of stuff going on but both of you are good influences. I’m encouraged , anyway. đ
My daughter dressed in a anything soccer related. She cut her beautiful long curly hair to donate to locks of love, then started wearing a bandanna âHarley-styleâ to keep her short hair off her face. This lasted through 8th grade, including wearing Chucks with her white 8th grad graduation dress. She didnât want to fall on stage wearing heels. Once she got to high school, she began wearing feminine clothing, but added her own style and flair. At nearly 30 years of age, she is a fashionista, and is often asked where she buys her clothes.
As parents, we need to let kids be kids, let them make their own decisions when appropriate, and accept responsibility for them. She would never wear the beautiful clothes she wears now if I managed her wardrobe.
I just saw this story in my newsfeed and couldnât believe it when I saw the pictures!! Ms Johnson was my 4th grade and all time favorite teacher đ. Iâm not surprised you became such an awesome mom. Congrats on your beautiful family!!
AAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! SALLY!!!!! How are you??? What a blast from the past!!! So good to hear from you!
Your daughter sounds awesome, healthy self esteem is so important.
I am also looking forward to the day when we don’t have “boy” or “girl” clothing, just a wide variety of clothes that allow people to express themselves.
Love this perspective on building resilience in our kiddos against mean and rude comments from others. It’s so hard to hold back our “Mama Bear” reactions, but how cool is it when we see strength and confidence in our children? Of course, we protect when we need to, but let’s be sure we need to first.
PS. I am so confused that all of these comments are about HOW she dresses. So off the mark! I shared this post and now I am afraid of the backlash and ridiculous ideas about how girls should/shouldn’t dress and act. Seriously–I didn’t see that as the point AT ALL.
My daughter was always what we call a âTomboyâ. But when She was in 6th grade and she wanted to change her clothes to all boys clothes, it alarmed me. My situation may not be yours, but later in high school my child informed me that she was transgender and frankly, it didnât come as much of a surprise. Today, my child is an adult male, fully thriving with a great job, steady girlfriend, apt., etc. She became a He and honestly it âfitsâ him so much better than trying to pretend to fit into a gender he wasnât identifying with. So looking at your sweet daughter, I would say to be open to the possibility that she may end up not enjoy being female and might one day want to permanently change her outside to match her inside/mindset (as my son once told me). â¤ď¸
My daughter, 11, is a “half boy” too. She used to love pink, purple and sparkles. One day she asked to shop in the boys clearance rack in Old Navy because she saw knee-length khaki shorts with sharks and lobsters on them and she LOVED them. We had spent HOURS looking for shorts that covered her appropriately…… which is apparently impossible.
A mom and her 3 sons were in the section and commented on my “trans son” and I laughed so hard, I cried….. Having a girl that likes NASA shirts (that aren’t pink) or lobster shorts doesn’t make her trans anything. She’s a beautiful girl, and I love that she has ZERO issues with wearing what she wants, no matter what “gender” it was meant for.
I’m not one to have a filter….. so neither does she. If another student called her a “half boy”, I’d be in the office getting told that my daughter told another student to “f – off” and I would be 100% okay with that.
Clothes and interests don’t make a person, raise them all to be confident enough in themselves to not give a flying f— what anyone else thinks of them.
Maybe basketball shorts and dry fit shirts are more comfortable and less restricting for an active kid….. and maybe “boy clothes” are designed to be longer – which allows the stomach to have less of a chance to show, and protects the legs when sliding down park slides that sit in the sun….. and maybe boy clothes are just…. MORE COMFORTABLE for an active growing kid……
I was like this and I worked on cars and helped my dad butcher stock for farmers and his butcher shop. I still wear mens track pants and jumpers but have beautiful nails, dresses and make up for special occasions I even started doing a beauty course in my 30’s (special needs kis came first so didn’t finish it)
You can be a girl that likes to do “boy” things.
Unfortunately I donât think this statement is very accurate âSomewhere along the way, her parents or somebody in her life taught her that.â I have a little girl who will say âboys canât have long hairâ or something along the lines of that and I always correct her that people can wear or dress how ever they want. This isnât something she has been taught, but she is being taught that what other choose to do is ok. Please make sure that your daughter understands that the parents may not have taught her that and she should try and help her understand itâs ok for people to wear what they want.
My little girl rocks a dress while digging up worms…. so she herself doesnât fall in the traditional gender role. Kudos for letting her beat to her own drum… sooner than you think adulthood will be here and there is less time for her own drum!
-Dress rocking worm diggginâs mom aka still a 40 year old âTomboyâ
Thank you for writing this post, it had some really valuable lessons for me! My kids are only 5 + 3 but I’m going to try very hard to remember this as they get older and eventually come across people saying hurtful words. And potentially as they say hurtful things themselves. I agree with the poster above that the little girl may not have been “taught” that by someone, my kids already say things I have to correct as they’re trying to make observations about gender roles, etc, but she did somehow learn it from her experiences and observations. You’ve given your daughter the tools be herself with confidence, and to teach others as well. Well done!
I should have added society to the list of “teachers.” Thanks, Tracy!
Sooo interesting I love the phrase â didnât have meaning until she gave it meaningâ I will use this with issues to come with my kids!
Good job Mom!
Maybe if the industry made girls clothes that were more comfortable, non constricting and covering a little more people would see girls not wearing boys clothes but âclothesâ. I dressed my child in âboysâ clothes because you couldnât find âgirlsâ clothes that covered the areas she wanted covered and werenât skin tight. Maybe we shouldnât define them as âgirlsâ or âboys â but just as âclothesâ. I love this mom- child conversation!
I hear you 100% on the cut of girls’ clothing. The tighter/smaller fit works for some of my girls, but not for all of them!
Keep on rocking it number 7! I used to wear boy clothes too. HATED pink, was in my 30âs before I even learned how to use makeup. Just keep on doing you well and nothing else will matter!
My oldest daughter wore “boy” clothes at this same age. They were more comfortable and she just liked them better. She is a strong willed person with an opinion who also has a listening ear and a thinking brain. Over the years her style has changed, but her character remains. Clothes do not make the person and I am so glad you are teaching your children what is important… And what is not.
I love this. But also, I just want to say that number 7 is ROCKING those âboyâclothes and looks super cool. Iâm literally about to go find an adult version of those grey joggers sheâs wearing and all because I read this post. Sheâs got awesome style, no matter what department her dogs came from đđť
I meant *digs
Not dogs!
I found this interesting, it reminded me of my wife who is the only girl in her family and grewup with three brothers. I can never call my wife a girly girl and I am okay with that. I love her as she is, she prefers male clothes too since in her words they fit her better.
This is very insightful – my girl started wearing her brothers clothes at age 11 for one main reason, they were more comfortable and had pockets! At age 13 she wanted to not be the centre of boy attention (she had long blonde hair and was very petite) – but still said the clothes were more comfortable durable, and had pockets! so the pockets won. These days she wears scrubs so is back to her durable comfortable wear lol Clothing manufacturers take note.