I have had a rough couple weeks.
It’s why I’ve been virutally absent here on the blog and also on the Facebook page.
The details aren’t important.
I don’t need any sympathy or empathy or Oh, that sucks.
What I do need is to reevaluate, and I need to look at the life and the schedule I have set up for myself.
And I need to make some changes.
You know how I know this?
First, I cannot keep my house organized.
Even with the kids’ help, the schedule is so busy and so full that I just can’t get to it or even find a way to manage everyone so that we are all pitching in.
That’s the first reason.
The second is that I am so exhausted, I am having trouble getting up in the morning.
And I’m a morning person and this does not happen to me very often.
Third, I fucking lost it on the kids last week.
LIKE I REALLY FUCKING LOST IT.
And I don’t do that often either. Not the way I did last week.
I went on an epic and really impressive f-bomb dropping tirade.
That was when I realized I had to change what was going on at home as far as how much I was doing and how little everyone else was doing.
I did make some changes last week.
The kids have been contributing daily and regularly without a protest.
I’ve been super consistent with them in that department.
Today I was feeling like I was starting to get on top of things again.
My room is still a mess and the kitchen is also kind of a mess, but little by little I’m making progress.
Today I planned my morning out.
As soon as Number 6 and 7 got on the bus, I was going for a run.
I was dressed, I had my water bottle full, I had my phone charged and ready to listen to a podcast.
But I couldn’t find my gloves.
And I couldn’t find my headphones.
It was cold and I was not running without gloves or my podcast.
I usually put my gloves in the same place every day.
I have a basket for my gloves and my hat in the mudroom, and as soon as I come inside, that’s where I put them.
Then, I roll up my headphones and I put them in the wooden tray in my office by my computer.
My gloves were not in my basket (and I only have one pair) and I couldn’t find my headphones (and I only have one pair).
I spent my entire 45 minutes of running time looking for my goddamn headphones and gloves.
I never found them.
I had a phone call at 9 and a Facebook live for Not Your Average Fitness Course, and then a meeting at school, so that was my only window this morning for exercise.
And I wasted it looking for two things that I am usually very disciplined about (because I got sick and tired of wasting time looking for lost shit, so I designated a place for those things and have been SUPER consistent about putting them back where they belong).
Maybe Number 4 took them, I thought.
Yes. That must be it.
Blame it on the teenager.
I’d yell at her when she got home and tell her she could not keep taking my stuff, dammit.
I had my call, and then I did my FB live and then I headed out the door to my meeting at school, and I saw this:
My fucking gloves!
AND THE GLASSES I COULDN’T FIND ALL DAY YESTERDAY!!!
I must have put them down when I finished my run.
I have these tree stumps I used for Halloween decorations — YES, HALLOWEEN — that are still on my porch.
I have no recollection of doing this. I have no idea why I put that stuff there.
But when you have literally no idea what you are doing, THEN SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT.
Something is not right.
I am not connected to what I am doing.
My brain is seriously overloaded.
It’s time to make some changes.
I think sometimes we make this schedule for ourselves and our kids and even though it might be a good idea at the time, a year or two later, it doesn’t work anymore.
I have been operating under the belief that I have to stick with this routine and this schedule.
But this routine and this schedule is not working anymore.
I am literally losing my mind.
Not in the going crazy way, but in the doing things I have no recollection of doing way.
So I need to continue to reevaluate and I need to give myself to undo decisions that have been made.
Even if they are unpopular with my kids or my husband or whoever.
Because if I keep going the way I’ve been going, I will self-destruct.
And that would really be the worse case scenario.