If you follow me on Facebook, you may know it’s my 12th wedding anniversary today.
It’s also my 47th birthday today.
Yes. I got married on my 35th birthday.
Which was like the dumbest thing ever.
Because somehow, my husband is under the impression that I’m totally okay with a joint birthday/anniversary celebration.’
Actually, I have allowed my husband to believe that unless I plan it myself, I am okay with absolutely no celebrations whatsoever.
Which I’m not.
Oh, by the way. I may or may not be a little bit innebriated.
Because at least my girlfriend’s know that even when you are over 40, (or 35, or 30 or 50 or it doesn’tfuckingmatterhowoldyouare) you still want to someone to at least recognize that your birthday is a special day because it’s the day you graced the goddamned Earth with your presence.
And maybe my girlfriends bought a box of Franzia and put it in a gift bag and maybe I had a little party at one of my kid’s sporting events.
I love my friends.
Let me back track.
This morning, ON MY BIRTHDAY, Number 4 woke up, and she said to me, “Mom? How come on Dad’s birthday we always have a cake, but on your birthday, we never do anything???”
And I just pursed my lips and said nothing.
And then, at this Franzia-filled sporting event, I may have told my friends that story,
And then one of my friends may have proceeded to tell us how she orchestrated these elaborate birthday plans for her husband for his 30th birthday. And his 40th birthday.
And how she is still waiting for him to do, um, anything for any of her birthdays.
And then another friend chimed in with YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
And then like 50 ladies were all nodding their heads in agreement like a field of bobble heads.
Okay. So most husbands are either completely clueless or completely lazy.
So, to all the husbands whose wives have not yet had their birthdays in 2016….
Let me tell you something.
First, just because you’ve never really done anything and your wife has never really said anything, she is annoyed.
Your wife wants you to acknowledge her birthday. And celebrate it.
At this point, it doesn’t even have to be anything big.
But a week, or fuck it, even a day before her birthday, make sure the kids know it’s her birthday. And ask them to make her a little card or something.
Or at least wish her a goddamned happy birthday.
Then, pretend it’s Mother’s Day.
Yeah. You have to do this shit twice a year.
Even if your wife’s birthday is actually on Mother’s Day.
GIVE HER TWO DAYS.
Ask her what she’d like.
Actually, you don’t even have to ask her.
Here’s what she’d like. I know because I took a poll on Mother’s Day. You don’t even have to put any fucking thought into it.
Set her up with a spa day and send her the fuck out of the house of the day.
Because the biggest thing you can give your wife (if she has kids), is ALONE TIME.
Or, arrange for a cleaning service to clean the damn house.
OR, TAKE ALL THE FUCKING KIDS OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR THE DAY AND GIVE HER SOME PEACE AND QUIET.
Can’t do that? Give her an hour. Let her take a nap.
Hold on. I have to go refill my Franzia. (I’m allowed. It’s my birthday. My friend let me take the box home. Cause she knows. And no, I didn’t drive).
Okay. I’m back.
Where was I? Oh yeah.
Celebrate your wife’s damn birthday.
Give her a spa day or get her a cleaning lady (even for one day) or let her take a nap.
Can’t do any of that?
You don’t even need to get her a present.
Stop at the damn grocery store and get her a cake.
She’s on a diet or doing Whole30 or some other stupid thing like that?
That is not a get out of jail free card.
Get her a fruit basket or a fucking bouquet of celery. Or a gym membership.
LET HER KNOW YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT HER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
If her birthday is on a weeknight, get a cake, sing Happy Birthday with the kids, and then tell her you want to do something special on the weekend. Like dinner. Special = dinner. At this point, SPECIAL = ANYTHING.
If her birthday is a multiple of 10, I will wager large amounts of money that your wife would go down on you indefinitely if you do something above and beyond for her.
Have no fucking idea what to do?
Call, eh, fuck it, you don’t even have to call.
Text a good friend of hers and say this (yes, I have provided the words — just copy and paste):
IT’S (INSERT NAME)’S 30TH/40TH/50TH/ETC. BIRTHDAY AND I REALLY WANT TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR HER.
After that, you won’t even have to do anything.
The girlfriends will take over and then on the big day they will tell your wife how sweet and cute you were and how you reached out to them for help because you weren’t sure what to do but you really wanted to do something special for your wife on her birthday, and SHE WILL LOVE YOU.
And she will repay you in ways you’ve been dreaming of for years.
Still don’t believe me?
Then try saying this:
I was reading this blog post about what women want for their birthdays and it said…
Then you can take it from there.
It’s really that simple.