Yesterday, after a lot of introspection over the weekend, I had a revelation.
This revelation was partly due to me doing some work on my thoughts but it was also divine intervention.
The Universe was like,
SUSIE. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
HELLO!!! WHY AREN’T YOU GETTING THIS???
And so the Universe intervened through a friend of mine.
I had complete clarity in a moment.
Just like that.
Years of fog lifted instantly.
Or maybe it wasn’t instantly.
Maybe it had been slowly dissipating.
I guess it doesn’t really matter how long it took for me to find my way out of the fog.
What does matter is that I realized my life had become completely unmanageable.
I realized this after I lost it on the kids on Friday.
Yes, they were pushing buttons — mine and each other’s — but my reaction was disproportionate to the situation.
And my reaction wasn’t about them at all.
It was the proverbial straw on the camel’s back that helped me finally achieve clarity.
There are certain aspects of my life — and more specifically, my marriage — that I have been trying to control for years.
Fighting reality and trying to change or redirect things I have no control over has been slowly killing me.
I truly believe this.
If I don’t change what I’m doing I will end up in some sort of institution.
Or six feet under.
And after declaring this yesterday, after acknowledging it was time for me to surrender, three things happened.
And I just wanted to share them with you.
First of all, I have been inundated with messages, emails and texts.
I am floored.
A friend of mine shared a blog post with me entitled 10 Ways To Let Go Of The Need To Control and you know what Number 8 is? Ask for support.
I did that one before I even read the blog post!
And it worked!!!
I am blown away, and if I haven’t responded to you, just know it’s because I am a little overwhelmed by the responses I’ve gotten.
The second thing that happened.
I weigh myself every morning.
(I know some people don’t agree with this but for me it works).
And you know what?
I lost 3.8 pounds overnight.
Like in 12 hours.
I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary the day before.
But I 100% believe when you are living with tremendous stress, your body holds onto everything it can just in case.
It’s like, NOPE. GOTTA HOLD ONTO THAT JUST IN CASE THE END OF THE WORLD COMES.
Because that’s how my brain has been operating for the past few years.
As soon as I let go, my body literally let go.
The third thing?
Number 4 woke up this morning and came downstairs.
And she looked at me and she said,
“Mom, you seem so…. happy this morning.
You don’t seem mad at all. You usually seem angry.”
Overnight my entire demeanor changed.
And not because I made a decision to act happier or differently.
But because I simply relaxed and let go.
Also, I didn’t realize how bad I sucked at hiding my anger.
So I don’t know where life will take me.
I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do.
I’m not planning on doing anything right now other than simply continuing to surrender.
Instead of fighting the current, I’m just going to go with it.
That’s what you are supposed to do when you get caught in a riptide in the ocean.
You don’t swim against it or try to fight your way out of it, because when you do that you exhaust yourself and very often find yourself in even more trouble.
You just go with it. You allow it to carry you until you are out of the current. And once you are in calmer waters, you can decide how to get to safety.
So that’s what I’m going to do.
Go with the riptide.
See where it takes me.
Stop fighting the current, stop exhausting myself and potentially killing myself.
And when I find myself in calmer waters, then I’ll figure out which direction takes me to calmer waters.
And then I’ll start swimming in that direction.