There isn’t a funny story in me today.
I’ve waited, and waited, and waited for one to come, but it’s just not there.
So I don’t have anything to make you laugh.
Or make you cry tears of joy.
Or to inspire you.
I just have this.
Last night I lost it.
I’m still kind of losing it.
But last night it all came to a head.
Contrary to popular belief, I don’t discuss every single detail of my life here.
Most of them, but not all of them.
And while I really do wish I could give you specifics on this one,
1) it would take days,
2) you wouldn’t believe me if I did,
3) I just can’t.
So all I can say is there is some stuff going on at home and it has not been easy.
My husband is somewhat devastated, and the younger kids are confused.
It has added a tremendous amount of stress to the house, and to the relationship with my husband.
You already know about the financial stuff.
You already know that our septic system has failed.
You already know that my grandmother just died.
I forgot to tell you that on Friday we had the coldest day here in Connecticut in like 20 years.
Some of the pipes in our basement froze.
They waited until we left to go my grandmother’s funeral to totally burst.
So we came home from the funeral to water pouring into the basement.
Another thing to scrape money together to pay for.
They still aren’t fixed.
I’ve had no washing machine since then.
So the pressure has been building.
I have been trying really hard to stay positive.
To look at all the bright sides.
To find the hidden message.
To not complain.
Yesterday a friend of mine said to me,
You’ve got to get out from under this cloud.
Last night, when Number 6 cut off handfuls, plural, of her own hair and fashioned a semi-mullet for herself, that didn’t push me over the edge.
It got me pretty close.
The cloud was descending.
And then, a conversation with my husband inevitably pushed me into the stratosphere.
And then after the kids went to bed, I continued yelling.
One of the kids heard me.
So on top of feeling overwhelmed,
and completely exhausted,
I’ve got a huge side of guilt to go along with that now.
I don’t want to exercise.
I don’t want to organize anything.
I don’t want to cook.
I don’t want to do any of the healthy things I would counsel someone else in my situation to do.
I don’t want to talk to my husband or play with my kids or go coach swim practice or really,
Well, that’s not true.
I would really like to drink something.
Or smoke something
Or, even better, do all three at once.
All of my creative juices today are going into maintaining the very small shred of sanity I have managed to hold onto, and to feeling and living through the discomfort without totally numbing it.
That’s all I’ve got.
I’ll keep writing, you keep voting!