Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Except of course, for Mom, who still had hours to go,
Cutting and wrapping and tying bow after bow.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
While Dad stretched out, snoring, in his favorite reclining chair.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Hatchimals danced in their heads.
Mama sat on the floor, surrounded by crap,
While Dad settled in for a long winter’s nap.
When upstairs in the hall there arose such a clatter,
Mom sprang to her feet to see what was the matter.
If the kids saw her now they’d discover the truth,
So she ran up the stairs to keep them from seeing the proof.
She tucked them back in and waited a while,
Then returned to her wrapping, using tape by the mile.
She was flying through gifts, finishing each one in a flash,
when SHIT! she realized she’d forgotten to use the f&!%ing Kohl’s cash.
That’s okay. She’d also forgotten to move that damn elf.
Thank God this would be his last night on the shelf.
She never got to make cookies or send Christmas cards,
Or take the kids out driving to see the lights in other peoples’ yards.
But they did watch Rudolph, and they also watched the Grinch,
And she got some great gifts, because a penny she learned to pinch.
The wrapping got messier the later it got,
But would the kids notice? No, they would not.
She used different handwriting though, when labeling the gifts,
Because THAT is a detail that her kids would NOT miss.
She stayed awake fueled by coffee and Love Actually,
The light at the end of the tunnel, she was beginning to see.
But where were those stocking stuffers? Remember, she could not.
She forgot where she’d designated their perfect hiding spot.
Well, she’d find them in January, completely by mistake.
It’s okay, some great Easter basket gifts they would make.
She had just one thing left to do as the clock struck one.
Assemble a doll house. This ought to be fun.
But she was a badass, she could do this, no doubt.
An hour later, she was cursing, pulling clumps of hair out.
Her eyes were on fire, she was so f&$@ing tired.
She vowed never again to buy anything with some assembly required.
When she finally finished, a picture she took.
And she posted it proudly upon the Facebook.
She sat down on the couch to admire her work,
exhaled with satisfaction, and then turned with a jerk.
She drank in the decorations of green, white and red,
And then giving a nod, she headed to her bed.
She checked on the children, turned off the light,
And whispered, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.”
Her work was now finished at a quarter to three
With just a few hours of sleep, very happy she’d be.
Laying her head on the pillow, shut-eye she started to get.
Five minutes later… MOM, IS IT TIME? CAN WE OPEN PRESENTS YET???
MERRY CHRISTMAS BADASS MOMS!