Last week after swim practice one night I was talking to T.
He’s the guy who was inspired to organize our awesome night of caroling last week after reading The Christmas Bucket List post.
I was telling him about my grandmother.
About how she’s not doing well.
I was feeling bad that I took the kids to sing to a bunch of people they didn’t know, but not to her.
Yesterday I got an email from my mom.
She had read the Hallelujah post.
Suse,
You are one lucky girl. Sounds like you had a great day… Also, not so good news. Hospice called your Dad and Gma is bad. Sounds like she only has a day or so…Dad wasn’t going over right away. We went last night and will see how things go..Talk to you later.
Love, Mom
I knew this day was coming.
I haven’t seen my grandmother in months.
Her health has been steadily declining.
She’s not been coherent most days.
I couldn’t bring myself to go visit.
Of all her grandchildren, we’ve been the closest.
Very close.
But the memories of her in my head look like this.
That picture is about 10 years old.
And it’s how I wanted to preserve her memory.
I did not want to remember her bedridden, and incoherent.
But I knew if I didn’t say goodbye, it would haunt me forever.
And maybe she still had some amount of lucidity.
Maybe she still remembered.
Maybe she was waiting for me.
I wavered back and forth.
I’ll go.
No, I’ll stay.
No, I’ll go.
No, I should stay.
Finally, I sucked it up.
My husband was at a basketball game with Number 2. It would be too late to go if I waited for him to come back.
So as soon as the little guys woke up from their naps yesterday, I loaded Numbers 3 through 7 into the car.
I hadn’t planned on taking them with me to see my grandmother.
I was going to drop them off at my parents’ house and go visit by myself.
I wasn’t sure exactly what she looked like, and I was afraid of how they’d react.
I didn’t want to upset them.
But I left too late, and my parents had somewhere to go, so I had to take them with me.
I told the kids we were all going to visit Great Gma, as they call her.
I told them she was very tired.
That she might be sleeping when we got there.
That she probably wouldn’t open her eyes.
And that she couldn’t really talk anymore.
I told them that they didn’t have to go into her room if they didn’t want to.
When we pulled into the parking lot, Number 4 bolted out of the car and sprinted to her condo.
J, her live-in nurse, was waiting with the front door open.
We hadn’t seen her in a while.
She was smiling, and she welcomed a visit from the kids.
Numbers 3, 5, 6, and 7 followed behind.
I was nervous to see their reactions.
Would they be scared?
Would Number 6 throw a fit?
Would Number 7 start crying? Or screaming?
As it turned out,
no.
They wouldn’t cry.
They wouldn’t throw a fit.
They wouldn’t be scared.
They all went directly into Great Gma’s room.
They stood by her bed.
And Number 4 started singing.
Sleigh bells ring, are you listening…
When she finished that song, she sang another one.
And then another.
And when she was done, my grandmother opened her eyes.
She looked at the kids.
And she said,
Thank you.
Number 4’s eyes grew wide. She looked at me.
“She talked!”
Between the gift cards, the letters, the movie tickets and the well, everything that has happened in the past weeks, months, and year, a slight breeze is just about all it takes to send me into a fit of convulsing sobs.
It took every ounce of strength to hold myself together and not totally lose it in front of the kids.
Or my grandmother.
But if she heard my voice, it would be happy.
It would not be crying.
Her last memory of me would be of laughter.
The last glimpse she caught of my face would be with a smile on it.
And so, Number 4 continued to sing.
And as she did, my parents walked into the room.
They were concerned about how I would hold up, so they stopped in before they went out.
And there we all were.
Together one more time with Gma, standing near the bed while Number 4 sang Christmas carols.
After a few minutes, my parents left.
I stayed for a little while longer with the kids.
When it was time to go, one by one, the kids said goodbye.
They went into the living room and waited with J.
Gma was asleep.
Number 7 has a kissing routine with me.
She gives me a kiss on the lips.
Then the cheek.
Then the other cheek.
I went to say goodbye to Gma.
Number 7 followed me in.
“Pick me up,” she said.
I picked her up, and walked over to Gma’s bed.
Number 7 looked at me.
“Kiss on the cheek,” she said.
I could have died.
I leaned her down to Gma, and Number 7 put her little lips on her cheek.
She wasn’t scared.
She wasn’t crying.
I think she knew.
And with that, I said goodbye to Gma,
knowing that one of the last things she will hear is Number 4’s voice singing,
one of the last things she will see is my face smiling,
and one of the last things she will feel is a kiss on the cheek from little Number 7.
If you’ve seen It’s a Wonderful Life, then you know who Clarence is, and you know what he tells George.
Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.
Keep your ears open.
Because the next time you hear a bell,
well,
it might just be my grandma.
Debby says
Susie and family,
Thanks for the tissue warning.
I am deeply sorry for the loss of grandma. We all have great memories of her while growing up, having her babysit us, etc. I know she will be missed but those wonderful memories will last forever. Thank you for sharing your magical experience from yesterdays visit with grandma. You are all in my heart today. ❤
JM says
12/20 was the anniversary of my dad passing. I remember him best standing, rocking back and forth and jingling the change is his pocket watching you leave and waving. I am so glad you had those last moments to say goodbye but know that she knows your heart always.
Denise says
Hi Susie, yes thanks for tissue warning. I’m so Happy you had your last happy minutes with your Gma. Your kids are awesome and The Lord was giving you peace in that room that night. She’s going to be in a better place. And she’ll bless you with her presence when you are thinking about her or missing her. Have peace in your heart she’ll always be one thought away. God Bless.
The Momarchy Ladies says
Thank you for sharing your story. I, too, lost my own grandmother recently and it is such a hard time but an amazing opportunity for family’s to take account of what’s most important. Your story was so moving, sorry for your deep loss.
Anthony (tony)Saracino says
Thanks for making me cry
not your average mom says
😂 Sorry
Pete frawley says
I’m glad you decided to go. I missed both my parents passing. It’s a gilt I have to live with, your grandma was truly a special person, I’m glad to have known her. Thanks Susie merry Christmas to you and family.
not your average mom says
Aw man, that’s tough Pete. You’re right – she was the best. Merry Christmas to you, too! Miss you!