It wasn’t until a couple months ago I realized I had almost no boundaries with the kids.
We aren’t talking Lord-of-the-Flies-lack-of-boundaries or anything – they have expectations and responsibilities and the majority of people who know them would tell you they are hardworking, respectful, polite, decent (not perfect) human beings.
But hardworking, polite, decent kids still need to learn how to set healthy boundaries for themselves.
That’s hard to do when you have a codependent mom who is completely consumed by guilt because she filed for divorce and changed the trajectory of your life forever.
The combination of codependency and divorce guilt is like the ultimate rock-paper-scissors position.
It beats everything.
So for the past four years, when it comes to experiences and swim meets and vacations and colleges and just about anything else more involved than pitching in around the house, I did whatever I could to avoid saying no.
But like they say, when you say yes to one thing, you say no to something else.
It’s time to say yes to seriously focusing on myself and setting clear, consistent, and healthy boundaries.
I’ve invested a regrettable amount of time and energy into trying to “make up” for my decision to leave my marriage, even though I knew it was the healthiest and best decision for everyone.
I’ve made so many mistakes trying to keep things the same as they were pre-divorce which is, of course, impossible.
And now, with four years and some life experiences and a lot of perspective between me and the divorce being finalized, I’m seeing where I need to make changes.
Where I need to set boundaries that are more clear and more protective of my mental and physical health.
Because if I go down, the whole ship goes down with me.
My kids don’t need me use all my energy and resources attempting to shield them from further disappointment.
They need me to be strong, clear-headed, and financially stable.
I can’t be that person when I am 6th on the priority list.
I have to be first.
It’s taken me a long time to understand this. Decades.
Half a century.
But now that I finally get it, I can break the cycle for my kids, and in particular, for my girls.
I’ve been practicing setting clear and consistent boundaries for about three months now. I’ve come a long way, and I still have a long way to go. I think it’s a never ending practice.
But now, for the first time in my life, I’m beginning to welcome the practice.
And it feels nice.
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