I know life is not about what happens to you but how you react to it.
I suppose that saying came into being because of the very nature of life itself — lots of ups and downs with a few short, flat runs along the way.
In my experience, there are many more downs than ups. But I guess the ups are more enjoyable because of the downs.
And what you learn as you drag yourself from the depths of the downs is what teaches you that you are strong enough to climb back out the next time you begin the descent.
But I’m really fucking tired of the downs.
Really tired of them.
Our house went into active foreclosure on Friday.
I was hoping we’d get caught up and on our feet and ahead of the game before things got to this point.
But we didn’t.
I’m trying to tell myself this is happening because there is a lesson I still need to learn.
There is going to be another down at some point in time where what I learn from this one will help me.
Or maybe what I learn from being served this particular shit sandwich will help me to find a way to avoid another one that’s gonna be given to me in the future.
I don’t know.
But what I do know is that I’m depressed. And I’m tired.
I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of growing. I’m tired of being out of my fucking comfort zone. I’m tired of pushing through the hard part until some tiny flicker of light appears at the end of the tunnel. And I’m tired of never knowing how long the goddamned tunnel is.
This morning I woke up and you know what I wanted to do?
I can definitely tell you what I didn’t want to do.
I didn’t want to shower or clean up the kitchen or change out of pajamas or brush my teeth or go to Costco or drive Number 7 to school or go for a run or prepare something healthy to eat for breakfast or fill out any of the paperwork for the mortgage company.
I wanted to do NOTHING.
I wanted to lie on the couch and mindlessly watch television like a vegetable. Forever.
I managed to get Number 7 to school. When I pulled back in the driveway after dropping her off, I sat in the car for over fifteen minutes, just waiting for the motivation to open the door and get out.
It took every ounce of strength, but after I got back inside, I put on my sneakers and went right back outside. I went for a 6 mile run. About 4 minutes in, I thought to myself, I can’t do this. I’m going to turn around, go home, put my pajamas on, and go to bed until I have to pick up Number 7.
But I knew my brain needed me to keep going.
I kept going.
About 3 miles in, it started to rain.
Another fucking test.
I thought about stopping. The rain gave me a good enough reason.
But I kept going. I needed to at least prove to myself I could make it through the run that I had no desire to do in the rain.
And I did it. Even if I didn’t do anything else all day, at least I did the run. That made me feel a little bit better.
I took a shower. I put dirty jeans on. I didn’t put makeup on. I picked up Number 7. I went to Costco. I saw someone I don’t know very well but who reads the blog in the parking lot.
She said to me very quickly, “I’m returning my cart!”
That gave me a chuckle.
I don’t think she knew that the reason I didn’t bother to put on makeup was because I keep spontaneously bursting into tears and making a mess of my mascara.
So I don’t know if you are reading this right now, my cart-returning friend, but if you are, thank you for giving me that bright spot in my day today.
I managed to get the groceries inside the house but it took me two hours to actually put them away where they belonged. Actually, I didn’t put the eggs in the fridge until about an hour ago. And some stuff is still lying out on the kitchen counter. Like the romaine lettuce.
I just couldn’t muster up the energy to put the lettuce away.
Someone called me Super Woman today.
I’m totally not Super Woman.
I’m struggling to put the fucking lettuce away.
Everything takes a lot of effort.
I don’t know what the outcome of this whole thing is going to be.
Of course I hope we can find a way to keep our house. But I’ve got to be prepared for the possibility that we won’t.
Either way, I’ll get through this. Somehow I will get through this. Someday I will look back on this and laugh.
Okay. I probably won’t laugh. But I will be intact. Everything will be okay.
Why am I sharing this?
I don’t know.
Because it sucks.
Because I might see you and smile and make jokes and appear to be Super Woman on the outside, but I’m not.
I’m not motivated right now. I’m not efficient. I’m not remotely productive.
But I’m forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other until I get back to that point where I can do it easily and naturally and without effort.
I guess I’m hoping that if there is another person out there who, for whatever reason, is really struggling to get out of the car or put the lettuce away or to smile, well…
I get it. And keep on keepin’ on.
You aren’t struggling alone.
And you can get through this.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT MY RUN IN THE BOSTON MARATHON
I’m sorry you are so sad 🙁 We purchased a house that was a little out of our price range, and I was very fearful that in time we wouldn’t be able to afford it. My dad said to me, people move all the time when their financial situation changes. It’s no big deal. He knew people who had big houses then moved back to smaller ones then one day back again. I know you must be attached to the house, but it also seems like keeping it is causing you a lot of stress. I hope you can move on from it and find a house that is less of a financial burden, and gives your family joy. I know lots of families grow up in small houses or in apartments or mud huts, and what really matters is how much love is in the house. I can see you have SO much love for your sweet family. I know I would have rather had happy stress free parents than any big house growing up. I am wishing you and your family the best!
Check out Dave Ramsey’s financial plan. Believe me, he struggled and filed for bankruptcy and had no money for home either. However, he found a way and became debt free and financial stable. Please read his book. It is worth your journey through foreclosure process. It does sucks and prayers are for you and your whole awesome family.
Also, check out Legal Shield (website). It is worth your time and sanity to reach out for any legal help. Hope that helps! Hugs!
Susie, I’m sorry that you’re struggling right now. I’m sorry you have to go through so many challenges, especially this one. The prospect of losing your home must be so scary. Though I’ve never been faced with this particular challenge, I want you to know that I’ve struggled with my own and that you have helped me more than you know. Your fitness course helped me to get out of bed every morning. Your kind words in response to my desperate email helped me to keep in putting one foot in front of the other. I wish I could offer you the same encouragement that you offered me. All I can do is say thank you. You are an inspiration to me and to many other moms out there who are battling mental illness. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope things get easier for you very soon.
Sincerely,
Kelly (your internet friend form the Great White North 😉
It’s like you read my mind today…I’ve been sitting in my car for about 15 minutes in front of work thinking about just crying eating a bunch of pie and not ever doing anything again…but of course I have to try for me and the kids but today I to struggled to put away the damn lettuce just like a lot of days…so now I’m going to stop procrastinating on Facebook and get my ass in to work ♡ thanks for the post
I’m sorry this is happening. I just wanted to reach out and tell you that.
everytime i put the shopping cart away, i laugh and think of you! so thank you for being honest. life is hard, really fucking hard. and when we look on the internet and everyone else’s lives seem perfect, it makes it worse!! we lost our baby girl in December to a rare genetic condition. trust me, there are days where the lettuce doesn’t get put away. some days i can smile and feel warm about the happy memories we have. other days i’m trying so hard to hold myself together that dealing with the ups and downs of a 3 1/2 year old feels like too much. even though i’m so thankful for her, because my 3 1/2 year old is saving my life as I continue to grieve, it still is extremely difficult sometimes. keep putting one foot in front of the other, just like your helping this mom and so many others do everyday.
Hi there,
My mornings and evenings are the most difficult for me. I tend to think about all the things I haven’t done or accomplished and then feel overwhelmed to the point I just lay in bed and do nothing. I lay and eat and then get more upset with the overeating and lack of tasks I haven’t done.
I’m really hard on myself; however I know this now and working on positive self-talk.
We understand. Our life may have different obstacles or trails, but we can gather and have comfort with each other.
I was truly meant to read your blog today. Last night I didn’t put the frozen shrimp away that I was supposed to cook last night for my lunches to keep me on point. So, now i have to throw them away on trash day; they stink worse than normal seafood. 🙂
I just took 10 min to type a comment about how I’m with you and all the details, and it got deleted when I hit “post.” Add that to the list of frustrations. Lame. Suffice it to say, I’m with you.
Hi Susie, I just read your post. You may feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders right now. And I know no matter what I say or others say, it will not ease your burden. I truly believe that you and your family will get through this. I don’t know how but I know you will. Because I have faith and I have hope. Keep fighting. I know you are tired. But you need to keep fighting because those beautiful children love you and need you. You are a badass mother fucker. You are a wonderful, intelligent, funny person who has a huge heart and you will survive this. You are an amazing mom, sister, daughter, friend. You have been amazing to so many people. Now is the time to allow others to help you and pay forward to you what you have paid forward to many of us. I’m sending you love, positive thoughts, hope and faith. xoxo Monica