9:24 a.m. Hit the road.
9:25 a.m. Number 4: I AM SO EXCITED!
9:30 a.m. Number 5: How much longer until we are there?
10:35 a.m. Number 4: A Georgia license plate!
Did you know that Georgia produces 40% of the chicken in the United States?
10:36 a.m. Look at my husband: Um, what?
11:00 a.m. Me to my husband: The kids are being really good.
11:01 a.m. Number 5: He threw a piece of his skin on me!
11:02 a.m. Number 6, singing: Number 5 is dumb, and she’s not pretty. Number 5 is dumb, and she’s not prettyyyyy.
11:30 a.m. Number 4: Did you know there are over 3000 different kinds of potatoes?
11:40 a.m. Number 4: A Delaware license plate! Did you know that more people live in Connecticut than in Delaware?
Um, never really thought about it.
12:15 p.m. Stop at rest area to pee and eat lunch.
12:35 p.m. Finish peeing, washing hands, and touching every possible surface in a public rest room.
12:40 p.m. Sit down to eat lunch.
12:50 p.m. Leave Number 5, 6, and 7 with my husband and take Number 4 back to car to get her water bottle.
1:00 p.m. Return from car. See Number 7 chewing on something. “What are those?” I ask. “Did you get a toy with your lunch?”
“No, they aw eawplugs. I found them on the gwound.”
“OH MY GOD. GET THOSE OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!”
1:05 p.m. Number 5: I have to go potty again.
1:20 p.m. Finish peeing, washing hands and touching every possible surface in a public rest room.
1:25 p.m. Get back on road.
1:30 p.m. Number 7: I have to go potty.
Me: You just went potty.
Number 7: I HAVE TO GO POOP.
1:37 p.m. Stop at world’s most disgusting gas station and take Number 7 to poop.
“I was just kidding. I don’t have to poop.”
1:40 p.m. Clench teeth and get back in car.
2:45 p.m. Remark how there has been no traffic at all.
2:48 p.m. Hit world’s largest traffic jam.
2:50 p.m. Number 5: How much longer until we get there?
3:00 p.m. Number 7: I HAVE TO POOOOOOP. I mean it this time. I weally have to.
3:30 p.m. Pull out of traffic jam. Poop. Pull back into traffic jam.
4:30 p.m. Have moved approximately 7 inches in an hour.
Number 7: AW WE GOING BACKWAHDS???
Me: No, but it totally feels like it, doesn’t it?
7:30 p.m. Finally make it to hotel to stop for the night. Know that kids will sleep late because they are so exhausted. Pass out.
5fucking30 a.m. the next day: MOM? IS IT TIME TO WAKE UP AND GO TO THE BEACH TODAY?
7:00 a.m. Head downstairs to eat breakfast.
Mommy! You mean we come sleep here and then they GIVE US FOOD?
7:30 a.m. Touch every piece of food on every tray. Spill one cup of orange juice and one bowl of cereal on floor. One nice lady comments on how beautiful the children are. One cranky bitch just gives them all the stink eye.
9:00 a.m. Back on the road.
9:10 a.m. Are we almost there?
9:40 a.m. Are we almost there?
10:00 a.m. THIS IS TAKING FOREVER! WHEN ARE WE GOING TO BE THERE???
10:44 a.m. Are we almost there?
11:30 a.m. Are we almost there?
12:00 p.m. Are we almost there?
1:00 p.m. How much longer now?
Less than an hour!
1:30 p.m. Are we almost there?
2:00 p.m. Finally arrive, forget all about the drive, quickly unload all the shit from the car, and head to the beach.
Road trips are awesome!