This was going to be the summer.
I was going to have a garden to rival all gardens.
I was going to basically live off the land.
I was going to produce so much shit from my garden I’d be able to have my own roadside stand. Or maybe even a booth at the farmer’s market.
I was going to can shit and pickle shit and be so overwhelmed by the fruits of my bountiful garden that I’d be giving people gifts of my incredible, organic harvest all the way through October.
Then the fucking woodchucks came.
Like a family of twelve of them.
No joke.
But I’d show them.
I’d make container gardens and have patio plants and outsmart those little fuckers.
And now that we are nearing the end of the summer, now that it’s time to really reap the harvest, I just wanted to show you how badly I kicked those little gophers’ asses.
Prepare yourself.
You’re gonna be blown away.
Wait for it…
Wait for it….
Wait.
For.
It….
Boom!
I know.
You’re totally jealous, aren’t you?
Two tomatoes. And that one in the dirt was already picked by Number 7.
So I may manage to harvest one miniscule tomato in 2016.
Fuck you, gophers.
This year you may have won.
But next year, it’s on.
And “In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, Au revoir, gopher.”
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Oh my God, that made me laugh out loud! I too have had dreams of a garden that my friends and neighbors would envy. I would feed us, them, everyone. But unlike you, I can’t blame the absence of a wonderful garden on a woodchuck family. Sadly, only I am to blame for grand plans that never quite become reality. But hey Susie, I’m not giving up! There’s always next year….for both of us!! ????????
Well, I heard that if one urinates around one’s garden, it will repel the garden critters and with the assistance of your assistance, you should be woodchuck free. Wait- I think they mentioned deer but what the hell-worth a try 🙂
This post had me totally rolling on the floor!! I say those same things every summer. I have varying degrees of success in the garden, but I never get a change to can, or pickle, or make jam or anything. You know why? For us it’s not the gophers. For us, it’s the 5 kids that swoop down and pick anything ripe and eat it right away. There is no way, on our lot of land, that I can possibly grow enough to completely feed our family. Maybe I could plant the living room like Mark did in “The Martian”. Just a thought…