Yesterday I was talking to Number 3, and somehow we ended up on the topic of coaches. And this led to a discussion about different coaching styles.
Number 3 told me who his best coaches were.
And he said, “They actually show you what to do. And when you do something right, they tell you.”
As his mom and his former coach, I took all of this in.
And then he said, “But (this coach) just yells at me. And when he does that, I don’t do what he tells me to do. Because I want him to know that when he yells at me, I’m never going to listen to him.”
I kind of knew this already from my experience as a mother.
But I’m not sure I thought my kids were aware of their reactions. That it was deliberate.
To have your child articulate this to you and to know he is completely aware of his response to this style of coaching was an eye opener.
Because his response to this style of parenting is the same.
I think we very often don’t realize that we are actually strengthening and reinforcing the behavior that makes us so angry when we yell.
In the long term, yelling has the complete opposite effect we think it does.
We are not eliminating the behavior.
We are actually making it worse.
It’s easy to get frustrated, I know. And it sure is easy to lose it.
But the next time your last button is pushed, take a deep breath, and remember what Number 3 told me.
When my coach yells at me, I don’t do what he tells me to do, and I want him to know I’m never going to listen to him.
That’s not what you want. And ultimately, that’s not what your kid wants either.
They want to do the right thing. They want your feedback.
And they want your encouragement.
But when you are yelling, you can’t really help them with any of those things.