I was listening to Conan Obrien’s podcast a few days ago and he was interviewing Howard Stern.
The two of them were talking about their work in the early years of their careers and how they cringe looking back at that stuff.
I feel the same way when I go back and read old posts that I’ve written.
I published my first blog post a little over seven years ago in 2012.
I had no idea what I was doing back then.
I was angry, judgmental and defensive.
I had never even heard the term troll.
When someone made a troll-y comment, I asked readers to come to my defense.
I was incapable of self-reflection or acknowledging fault.
I shredded anyone who disagreed with me.
I was kind of an asshole.
Compared to my present self, anyway.
I wasn’t just clueless in the blog department.
In the parenting department and the life department, the person I was seven years ago and the person I am now are so different.
Forget about the person I was twenty years ago.
Twenty-nine-year-old-me was seriously fucked up.
I wince at the thought of those days.
While motherhood certainly changed me, the past seven years have been like warp speed change and growth.
I have had quite an education since Not Your Average Mom was born.
This blog has taught me so much.
So have years and years of therapy and reading hundreds of books and listening to just as many podcasts.
If only I had known back then what I know now.
If only I could go back and reparent my kids from the beginning.
I could do such a better job.
Ah, but that’s the dilemma of the human existence, I suppose.
You can’t get to that evolved state-of-being without going through the cringeworthy period of repeatedly fucking up.
So today rather than looking back on my life with regret, wishing I had figured shit out faster than I have so far, I am grateful.
Grateful to have realized that I am now really on the way to becoming the person I am capable of being.
Grateful that I am on a path to bigger things.
Grateful that I have really only just begun!
Grateful that I am moving forward with my eyes wide open, knowing that I know more than I did yesterday, and tomorrow I’ll know more than I did today.
I guess I could wish I’d figured everything out earlier.
But I’m gonna turn that around.
I’m just gonna keep getting better and better and better.
And that’s pretty awesome.