My husband and I have never had a super healthy marriage.
There were red flags right from the start on both ends that neither of us really paid attention to.
Maybe we weren’t able to see them at the time.
Or maybe we just chose not to.
Either way, for sixteen years we’ve tried to make it work.
And for sixteen years we’ve been unsuccessful.
There were a couple of small, good stretches along the way.
But not many.
Not nearly enough.
I’ve worked really hard.
Really, really hard.
I’ve done a lot of work on myself.
But one thing I’ve realized now in hindsight is that a lot of that work I was doing on myself wasn’t truly for myself.
I was changing things about myself not for the sake of growing and evolving and becoming more self aware, but in the hopes that it would change other people.
And that’s not really genuine change.
So, my husband and I have decided to end the marriage.
I’m getting divorced.
This wasn’t what I pictured sixteen years ago.
It wasn’t the way I envisioned it.
I’ve been telling myself the end of my marriage is my biggest failure.
That I’ve failed my kids.
I’ve failed my husband.
I’ve failed myself.
But maybe that’s not the failure.
Maybe the failure is in continuing to stay in a relationship that is clearly not working.
Maybe the failure is in staying in a marriage that is stopping me from being who I’m truly capable of being.
Maybe the failure is in being too scared to make the healthiest decision for everyone.
It wasn’t supposed to end this way.
But then again, maybe it was.
Learn how to finally make exercise a habit you can sustain.
Join the Make Exercise A Habit Free 4-Day Challenge TODAY!
REGISTER HERE
And maybe you got exactly what you were meant to get, and now it is time to move forward in the best way possible.
You didn’t fail. No one has. You just outgrew something and now it is time to take that next step. I tell my daughter all the time “sometimes you win and sometimes you learn”.
💗
Even thein the “best” circumstances, divorce isn’t something I wish on anyone. Still, it’s all about the kids. My ex and I became much better parents apart than together. Lean on your tribe. Trust your gut. I know all the platitudes won’t make it better. sucks. . It sucks. But for the passage of time… good luck. You and your family are wonderful. ❤️
Hugs! I can only imagine how hard this must be on all of you, but I’m sure in the end you’ll find happiness! I wish you both the best in your co-parenting journey!
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time and I know this was neither a quick nor an easy decision. I’m proud of you. My ex-husband and I were married for 13 years. Ending the marriage was the BEST thing I have done for myself and my daughter, maybe ever. My life is completely different than it was two years ago, in amazing and abundant ways. That’s my wish for you. All the best to you and your family as you navigate these new waters. I believe in you.
Marriage is a crap shoot, it’s less than 50/50 chance of survival… you do your best and if you can say that and stay respectful toward your ex and not have your children become “collateral damage” then wouldn’t the best lesson for your children to observe is their parents honoring themselves and living peacefully and authentically! 🙏🏼
Hardest decision a mother can ever make. The guilt is unreal. But it is also misplaced. I ended a 17 year marriage & felt so horrible for so long about breaking up my “family”. Even though it was dysfunctional and not a good example of a healthy relationship for our kids. I know this now. And life for our kids, my ex and me is better today than we could have ever imagined.
Not to say it isn’t a struggle trying to figure it all out, but it’s definitely worth it in the long run.
Susie, Thanks for sharing. I could have written this. Two years ago I came to the conclusion it was what was best FOR me. Not my kids, not my friends, not him.
I understand the idea of failure and I even flirted with it. I came to realize my decision empowered me and gave me strength and a rebirth, not unlike your own you write about. When people say ‘I am sorry’ I say don’t be. I am very happy. The end of my marriage was a road to new beginnings. I hope you can find comfort in that for yourself. Fingers crossed and the best to you and yours!
Momma, I feel this.
My own marriage of 16 years ended 4 years ago. I never thought I’d be a single mom with 5 kids. But there I was.
And I wouldn’t change it.
My parenting class called my marriage a failure. But I challenged the instructor. My children are not failures. There is lies my success.
4 years later, my house is for sale. My belongings being packed up. I’m moving forward with a man who simply amazes me, and he has 4 kids of his own. (I keep telling him we need to start a YouTube channel.)
Be strong. Stay strong. I believe in you.
I am so very sorry. You worked really hard. Be kind to yourself right now. It may not feel like it right now, but you will be ok, and your kids will be ok. You have a lot of people rooting for you, me being one of them.
I’m praying for you and your family. 💕💕💕
My son’s dad and I split almost a year ago, and moved apart 6 months ago…and we’re getting along so much better now! I’ve been feeling this week, maybe we could try again, maybe it could work…your post helped. The reason we are getting along better is because we AREN’T together, and while that sucks because why couldn’t he be this guy he is without me, when he was WITH me?, but also, it doesn’t matter, because here we are and this is how it IS working, and that’s what matters for our kid, and for both of us, too. So like you said, maybethis isn’t the failure–maybe the trying to make it work for years when it so clearly didn’t was. Thank you so much…and all the best for this next chapter!
One of the bravest things I’ve ever done is get divorced. The easy thing would have been to stay in a bad marriage with two young children. But here we are, 18 years later. My kids are grown, happy and emotionally healthy. They have both chosen mates that align with who they are. They treat others as they want to be treated, modeling they way their Dad and I treated each other after the divorce.
We are all happy and whole BECAUSE we divorced not in spite of the divorce.
It’s rarely an easy decision but you’ve tried everything to make it work. Now it’s time for the next phase. It won’t be easier but eventually things will shake out and everyone will find their new normal. Sending positive thoughts your way to you, hubby and the kids.
Thank you for sharing. Best wishes for you and your family.
You’ve got this 🙂
Your kids will be fine. I speak from experience as a kid who’s parents stayed together when they were clearly miserable. It was torture for all involved.
Also, thank you for all your writing. You’re inspiring 🙂
I’m so sorry. I’ve rooted for your marriage for the last 5 years and I know you worked really hard to keep it together. Praying for you all.
My parents got divorced when I was 6 years old. I had such a happy life and never felt like it was a failure, it’s just the way it was! We often put so much pressure on ourselves to live the best perfect lives, but what is perfection?… To me, happiness is perfection!
I’m so sorry. I’ve been following you for years, and know you’ve been trying really hard. So the marriage did not work out, but you are making the absolute best decision for everyone involved, including your kids. I was 14 when I started telling my mother she should leave my father. Their marriage was a disaster from day one,. and that mess of a union negatively affected us all. She waited until the last child went away to college. Those were the worst years, when she hesitated and waited for whatever reason. As one of the kids living through that wretchedness, I still think we would’ve been better off had she mustered the courage to do what you are doing now. The kids will be okay, and YOU will be okay. Better than okay. Now, you get to be YOU!
Susie, Only you can truly know what the best decision is for you and your family. And if anyone responds in a negative or toxic way, don’t listen to them. Trust your gut. It sounds like you have tried to do everything in your power to make this work. Two parents living in the same house is not always what’s best for the children. Children see more than we think. They are very observant. This could end up being the best thing for your family and a more healthy environment. You are a strong, intelligent woman and an amazing mother. You inspire so many with your blogs. You put everything out there and it comforts people who are suffering, it makes them feel like they are not alone. I hope you have a strong support system through this difficult time. And if you ever need someone to vent to, curse to or just someone to listen, give me a call. 804-514-9148
I really mean it. I’m routing for you. Sending you hugs 🤗
Hugs to you! This is a very difficult choice but is usually the best one for all involved when things can’t get better. I went through the same 2 years ago after 18 yrs of marriage and 4 children. You will go through many emotions and stages through this process and my recommendation is to not rush to make any separation/divorce decisions until you are well informed to make those decisions. I’ve had to do a lot of research and get good advice to protect myself and my kids. I know people who have very amicable separations and I hope you can achieve that too – 2 years later I’m still trying to settle mine. Just know at the end that you will be great and so will the kids 🙂
Hugs, Susie.
Susie. Coming from a guy perspective, “Strong Work.” You have grown so much the past few years as I followed your blog. I kinda miss all the “F” bomb posts. Lol
It takes alot to keep it going, but more to end it and move on. Your are strong and have a TON of opportunities ahead of you. Keep smiling 🙂
Dear Susie,
Even when divorce is the right choice, it’s still hard. I say this as I muster the courage to press ahead with divorce #2. Cocoon yourself in comfort and just keep going. You are an inspiration.
There’s no failure here…you and your husband are showing incredible strength by making a decision that’s best for your family and each other…you should be proud of yourselves for doing what will ultimately make you all better and stronger together…even if it’s in a different way 💕