It took me a while, but I figured out the formula.

Six months ago I had a pretty big meltdown and basically told the kids if they didn’t want to follow the rules at here at home they could go live somewhere else.

It wasn’t one of my better parenting moments.

But it did force me to take a look at where that anger was coming from.

It wasn’t because the kids were lazy or spoiled.

It was because I didn’t want to be honest with the kids (or myself) about my financial situation.

It was because I was trying to keep everything the same as it was pre-divorce.

It was because I didn’t have many boundaries.

In the past six months I have worked really hard on simplifying my life.

I’ve cut things out of my schedule so I have the brain space available to consistently manage expectations.

I’ve prioritized financial stability over not disappointing the kids, because a lifetime of financial instability is the ultimate disappointment.

We’ve had honest conversations about what is possible and what isn’t right now, what the expectations are, and how everyone needs to contribute to the household.

Everyone is learning some important lessons about finances, and while I wish I could have gotten to this point without losing my mind a few days after Christmas, I haven’t lost my mind since.

I haven’t even come close.

Two days ago we celebrated Kasen and Gretchen’s 15th and 16th birthday.

Even though we were doing a VERY simple celebration, I was still running behind and overwhelmed.

It was after 3:00, I wasn’t home, and I hadn’t gotten to the cakes.

A year ago I would have totally depleted myself and done it all alone.

Now I know that leads to exhaustion and the meltdown of the century, so I chose a different way.

I delegated.

This is one boundary I’ve seriously been working on.

I texted Kristofer and Marit.

They totally took care of the cakes. It was a huge help.

It didn’t just reduce my physical load; it reduced my mental load.

At the end of the night I was standing in the kitchen with Kristofer and he said, “Mom, this ended up being an easier birthday celebration for you, didn’t it?”

He noticed that when he pitched in, I wasn’t stressed out. I noticed that when he pitched in, I wasn’t stressed out.

It took me a while, but I figured out the formula:

realistic expectations + honesty + consistent boundaries = low-stress, resentment-free, happy birthday celebrations

I didn’t get Gretchen any gifts for her 16th birthday. There was no big Sweet 16 party.

But I did take her to her license permit test first thing in the morning.

Then I took her to the high school to get her working papers (at her request).

We went to Dunkin Donuts to get a drink and a donut with a birthday gift card she got from her brother.

The only thing she asked for was a massage (she’s never had one, and that’s what she really wanted), so that was next on the list.

After her massage, a couple of her best friends came over to hang out for a while.

Then we had a small, simple family celebration – Grammy and Papa, homemade cards, pizza, cake.

At the very end of the night, I was in bed, and Gretchen walked into my room.

“Thanks for everything today, Mom,” she said to me as she gave me a hug.

It turns out that being honest with the kids about what is realistic right now and setting firm and consistent boundaries didn’t disappoint the kids at all.

In fact, it’s made us all closer, and it’s made life so much better.

Ultimately, it’s been a huge reminder that the kids really do want my presence more than my presents.