Hey Everyone ❤
(I started writing this as a Facebook post, but it kept getting longer and longer and longer, so I finally just copy and pasted it into a blog post and here we are.)
I know I haven’t been around consistenly these last few months.
The last few years, really.
Also, before anyone tells me I don’t *owe any explanations* that’s not what I’m doing here. I genuinely appreciate it and understand where you are coming from, and I’m not defending myself.
I’m sharing my story.
Because I have discovered so much about myself since I first started the blog and this page over ten years ago when life looked like this:
But it’s been more recently – like in the past two years – that the snowball of self-discovery really started to gain momentum.
And then in these past six months the snowball has become more like that massive boulder that almost runs over Indiana Jones. It’s huge and it’s moving at full speed.
Everything is finally falling into place. I can see things so clearly now.
The cumulative effects of not quitting on myself, of relentlessly committing (ps relentlessly definitely does NOT mean perfectly) to get back up no matter how many times I fell down, have started to become noticeable.
My emotional regulation muscles – the ones that help me regulate emotions, to practice the pause, to not go off on your kid’s travel baseball coach while you are holding a baby (yes I did that) were never really developed.
They were often much too weak to contain my emotions.
When I got really upset, I got really upset. When I got really angry, I got really angry. When I got really sad, I got really sad.
I used to be so reactive.
Don’t get me wrong, I still can be reactive. But let’s put it this way…
I’ve been functioning at the preschool level of emotional regulation for most of my adult life.
I’m not exaggerating.
Right now I’d put myself at like a college freshman who graduated from high school with a 4.5 GPA level of emotional regulation.
I’m actually doing pretty well. I’m also taking this shit seriously. And I can’t wait to keep going.
I’m not stopping at getting my BA with a major in I Don’t Lose My Shit Over Anything. I’m not even stopping at a Masters degree.
Nope. I’m going for the PhD.
I know this work is neverending. If you want to live a full and fulfilling life, this work has to be forever.
Life is changing all the time. No experience is ever the same. Every curveball teaches you something new. Every detour shows you another way.
I stuck with myself through so many mistakes. SO MANY MISTAKES.
I’m not even calling them mistakes anymore. Because when I look back on them now, they weren’t mistakes.They were detours showing me another way.
A better way.
Sometimes the longer way doesn’t seem like the better way, but it usually is.
What I didn’t realize until recently is that it wasn’t life placing obstacles in my path.
It was me.
I needed lots of time – and lots of detours – because I had some beliefs about myself and about life that ran really, really deep. But they kept leading me to another road block.
It took me decades to first identify them and then create new, healthy, empowering beliefs that helped me finally navigate my way out of the forest.
The more I work on my mindset and my beliefs the stronger those emotional muscles become.
The stronger I become the more I’m able to take a good, hard, honest look at myself and then to grow.
The more I grow… the more I grow.
Anyway, I have a big goal for myself ninety days from now.
In order for me to hit that, I’m going to have to fully commit. To one hundred percent go for it.
I’ve been working with my E-School members a lot recently on this very thing. On setting big goals.
It’s time for me to lead by example. It’s time for me to put everthing I’ve been teaching other people into action for myself.
It’s time for me to totally go for it.