I don’t know about you, but I don’t give a crap about St. Patrick’s Day.
I don’t make green food, or green drinks, or green crafts.
If you want to do your corned beef and cabbage, and Guinness, and whatever else, go for it.
Leave my kids alone.
Since when did leprechauns invade elementary schools and start stealing shit?
Are leprechaun footprints throughout the building really necessary?
And glitter on desks?
What the fuck is up with leprechaun traps?
I put this one on the facebook page:
Number 3, 4, and 5 came up with that thing.
A complex “trap” consisting of a box, a blanket, and a $.25 cent necklace.
I thought it was hilarious.
Because it was so pathetic.
And then someone commented on how cute it was.
And how she liked it much better than all the other “fancy” ones she had seen on other mom blogs.
People actually spend their time making these things?
So I googled leprechaun traps.
There are pages,
and pages of that shit.
Thousands of them.
Thousands of these pointless, useless contraptions.
And don’t say anything about creativity, and higher-level thinking, and problem solving, and whatever other bullshit these things supposedly stimulate in your children.
I had no idea people actually made this shit.
Why the fuck would you spend time doing this when you know they’re not even going to catch anything?
I mean, at least when you lie about Santa there are presents at the end of the lie.
And you make shit up about the Easter Bunny.
But you get crap from him too.
But at least there’s money involved.
I found myself feeling the same way I had in August.
Anyway, my kids spent all weekend trying to catch a fucking leprechaun with their lame trap.
Now I’ve got enough trouble on my hands making up a fake story about Santa Claus,
and the Easter Bunny,
and the Tooth Fairy.
A story that won’t scar them for life.
I really don’t have the energy, or the desire, to come up with some fake yet creative explanation of who/what a leprechaun is and why he does the sneaky shit that he does.
I already have one kid with pretty significant anxiety and OCD issues.
I don’t need him freaking out about some creepy little green dude who’s gonna sneak into our house and steal his stuff.
Plus, I only have 12 days to think up and produce some really cute, creative, and inexpensive shit for Easter.
You know, so I can post pictures of it all and make you feel completely inadequate.
If you need me, I’ll be out in the woods, collecting sticks and bark and dead grass to weave my own Easter baskets.
After that I’ll be foraging for berries that aren’t poisonous so I can make my own all-natural Easter egg dye.
Or maybe I’ll be at the Dollar Store.
Buying some plastic eggs.
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