When I was little I always wanted crutches.
I would see injured people hobbling around on those things and watch them enviously.
My brother and I even went as far as jumping out of a tree in the backyard in an effort to break a leg so we could get some.
It never worked, thank God.
Then I moved onto the orthadonture phase.
I wanted braces so badly.
Or at least a retainer.
I would unfold a paper clip and bend it around my teeth.
I thought I was so cool.
Then at a dentist’s visit a few years later I finally heard what I had been waiting for.
You need braces.
I was ecstatic.
I got them for real.
They weren’t as fun as they seemed they would be, back when I had my paper clip braces.
Actually, they sucked.
I couldn’t wait to get that shit off my teeth.
Then I entered the glasses phase.
I really wanted glasses.
They made people look so smart.
And, like the crutches and the braces, cool.
I had some for reading about 10 years ago.
I didn’t really need them.
I think the prescription for the lenses was about 1/1,000,000 stronger than a window pane.
But I thought they made me look hot…
Like a Babe.
But with brains.
I didn’t take very good care of those glasses, so eventually they got so scratched up that I couldn’t wear them.
I never got new ones.
Until a few weeks ago.
I finally reached that stage.
You know, the stage where your arm isn’t long enough to hold crap far enough away so that you can actually read it.
And just like the braces,
needing to wear glasses is not nearly as much fun as wanting to wear them.
I used to have a thing about wheelchairs and those old people scooters.
And the last time we drove to North Carolina, I think I said I wished that I had worn some Depends so that we didn’t have to stop and pee so often.
For the record, I take all that shit back.
It’s taken 43 years, but I’ve finally learned my lesson.
I don’t need anything extra.
I’d like to keep the parts that are still working just the way they are.
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