I Won’t Miss This

Just about every time I share any parenting-related frustration online, I receive some form of this comment:

You’ll miss this stage one day.

There may be some validity to this statement. In those cases, only time will tell.

But most of the time, I disagree.

My kids are 13, 14, 15, 18, and 19.

I love being a mom. I love my kids more than anything. I loved having lots of little kids close together.

But I don’t love what I did to myself along the way. I don’t love how I neglected myself. I don’t love how I lost myself.

I don’t love how I did so many things I thought I was supposed to do but didn’t want or need to do.

I don’t love how I wasn’t able to communicate that to anyone effectively, which inevitably led to resentment.

I don’t love how badly I have neglected myself post-divorce, and I don’t love the total meltdowns I’ve had as a result.

Every once in a while I miss holding or smelling a baby.

When I walk past a newborn in a carrier or see a super cute two-year-old at the grocery store, I remember those days fondly.

But I don’t want to go back to them.

I didn’t used to feel this way.

Fifteen years ago, I wanted the kids to stay little forever.

But that was because my whole identity was wrapped up in the kids as soon as I became a mother.

I needed the kids to need me in order to feel valuable. In order to have a purpose.

They were the only good thing about me.

That is codependent thinking and behavior, and it has taken me many, many years to change this. Like several decades.

Now I know that one of the best things I can do for my kids is to show them what a thriving woman looks like.

My kids have not seen a thriving mom.

They’ve seen a surviving mom.

I have spent the majority of my parenting journey depleting and exhausting myself to the point of physical and mental illness.

Especially in the last four years.

That’s not how I want to live my life, and it’s not how I want my kids to see me living my life.

Because I don’t want them to eventually live their lives that way either.

The ironic thing is, if I had understood the importance of prioritizing myself, my health, and my social connections from the very beginning, I’d probably feel differently today.

I probably would miss those early days with the kids now. Because I wouldn’t have missed myself back then.

So now I’m looking forward to what lies ahead for me.

I’m excited to do the things I should have been doing for myself for the last twenty years.

And I’m looking forward to my kids seeing me grow and bloom right alongside them.