It’s been 53 weeks since I quit drinking.
Since it was my one year anniversary last week, I’ve been thinking a lot about this past year. About how I came to the decision to stop. About what has been difficult. About what wasn’t that difficult. About what I miss. And about what I don’t miss.
A year later, I am realizing there is only one thing I am really, truly missing.
It’s not a Blue Moon.
It’s not a box of Franzia always at the ready in my fridge.
It’s not a big, cheap bottle of Kirkland margaritas.
I am missing a group of women to hang out with regularly who all have a common interest.
I had that when I was drinking.
It isn’t especially hard to find a bunch of women who will go out or get together for drinks on a regular basis.
But I am finding it is especially hard to find a group of women to get together with regularly who have no interest in drinking. Who feel strongly about taking care of themselves. Who don’t regularly make jokes about wine in response to a long or hard or frustrating day. Who have decided or come to the realization that alcohol does nothing to improve the quality of their lives.
This isn’t judging anyone who chooses to unwind or de-stress or blow off steam with a drink or two. Do whatever you want.
I used to be the mom who wouldn’t dream of even considering a mom’s night out if alcohol wasn’t involved. I get it. I was there. I’ve taken plenty of pictures of a glass of wine or a drink with a glowing ice cube in it and selfies with a bottle of something in my hand.
Sometimes the bottle was bigger than others.
It’s just not for me anymore.
Not just the drinking. The joking about drinking.
And it’s not that I’m angry or resentful. I honestly don’t miss it now. Just like I don’t miss smoking anymore.
And it’s not that I want to stop spending time with my friends who drink. It’s not that.
I guess I’m just over it.
I want more. I want to surround myself with women who feel the same way I do.
And not necessarily women who have issues with addiction or addictive personalities, but women who are fun and who also just really want to take care of themselves.
I remember a couple years ago I saw an Instagram post from Glennon Doyle about her being sober and how life was so much better and she was happier and the fun had begun after she quit drinking, and I was like,
WHATEVER, GLENNON.
And now I get it.
But it can be really lonely over here on the non drinking side of life.
So I’m on the hunt for a crew of bad ass non drinking mom friends.
And I’m really looking forward to finding them.
I can help you change how you look at the things you don’t want to do.
Join Not Your Average FREE Challenge and let’s shift your mindset.
Click here to join today.
The only thing I joke about any more is taking a nap. Because I don’t need a drink…I need a nap (that and a maid, a gardener, and a chef……but a nap more than anything)
I drink on occasion but rarely go to “let’s go out and get drinks” invitations. Dinner? hell yeah, sign me up (but I’ll be getting an iced tea). I kind of outgrew the whole “let’s go out for drinks” in college. Along with that, if I have to drive, I do not drink. Not even one. I’m not going to be on the news with “alcohol may have been a factor” ……. Plus, if I have a drink, all I end up doing is falling asleep (which in turn just meant I needed a nap)
my life is kind of like “if you give a mouse a cookie”
Ha, Deanna!
That was part of my problem with drinking. One drink would put me to sleep. So once I started, I had to keep going.
My family has addiction issues. I am well aware of them so I kind of get scared I would be going down a slippery slope if I started drinking all of the time. I think I was headed that way in college but I managed to reign myself in (I was a binge drinker). Anything more than one drink and I wake up with a headache so if I do have one…it’s literally one (and then I fall asleep)…the husband makes fun of me because he says my addiction is coffee. Which….yeah, I’ll accept that.
You need a non drinking mom social! I am in! (Monroe)
Patti, I have already been thinking about this. And I am working on it!
Non-drinker mom of 2 from Brooklyn here. Count me in!
Sign me up!
You will find them. Trust me.
As a recently divorced mom, I’m similarly looking for a group of friends. While I still enjoy a glass of wine or hard cider, and while I do have friends who have kept me afloat, there are many who have drifted away, because I guess I’m just not the same “me” anymore. The most popular thing moms have in common is loneliness.
Oh I so wish we lived on the same side of the country! I will just have to live vicariously through your fun get together. 😊 Have fun and if you ever come to Oregon we are going out, no drinks necessary….or staying in!!
When I make it out to the west coast, I will let you know 😉
I want to be as strong as you! I Want to stop counting down the hours til I can have a cold beer so that I can handle this Mom of four stuff better. I want to be able to handle this mom of four stuff without alcohol and ditch this extra chin I’ve been sporting. But I’m soooo weak when it comes to that one thing…cold beer. Ugh!
I definitely still enjoy sharing a bottle of wine with my hubby at dinner. However, I get being over the “drinking to get drunk” phase and waking up feeling awful phase. I’m not going to lie, though. I think it’s tough in general to mesh with a group of women. It’s harder than dating, lol. I’m a pretty social person, but for some reason it’s always been tough for me to find that core group of girlfriends that so many women talk about.
I agree. It is harder than dating. Although I haven’t dated in over 15 years, but making female friends has always been much more difficult than making male friends for me.
In reading your stories, I feel we are already friends.
To do what you do everyday takes enormous strength; the courage to face down your fears is Herculean.
I am a runner, a CrossFitter, and a mom of two. None of those things are compatible with drinking (not if you want to be any good at any of those things).
I wish we lived closer so we could run together and talk! I am in northern NJ so not that far away. But until then, know that you have many, many online friends who support you.
Sue,
Thank you SO MUCH for the support and the kind words.
I have wanted to to do CrossFit for a long time. Just don’t have the funds quite yet.
But maybe I’ll see you at a race somewhere 🙂
I will piggy-back from Sue, I feel like we are friends, although I live in Missouri. I, too am a runner and a mom of 3 (although 2 of mine are in college, 1 in middle school) and don’t feel the need to drink. I am lucky in that my close group of girlfriends, we have drinkers and non-drinkers and no one pressures to have one. We go out to eat, and if someone/s chooses iced tea or water over beer, no one judges. For me, running is a whole lot harder after the bloating feeling of drinking.
Also, I’m part of a bunco group (silly, easy dice game with a group of 12) and it’s a great way to get together with other ladies and not have a care in the world….and laugh. I hope you find a non-drinking group….
Know that there are those of us out there that, even though we don’t personally know you, are proud of you….you are taking care of you and that is hard! You got this!
I applaud your efforts in quitting and your brutal honesty about this subject. I may not be a mom, but I understand your journey. It IS hard to find non-drinking folks to hang out with! I have been on this planet a half century now, and I STILL get a hard time for NOT having a drink in my hand. Honestly, it’s part of the reason I stopped dating. I have nothing against alcohol, I just don’t have a palette for it. This non-drinking thing does become an issue with one’s social life and I never understood that. Whether it’s going to a sporting event, a backyard BBQ, the beach, sailing, etc. there is ALWAYS a focus on alcohol. It’s a society problem IMO. It gets so old. BUT, there ARE people out there, and you’ll find them. (And I also believe there is a group of people that DO drink, but can have a good time without alcohol if you asked them… some of them would also love the excuse NOT to drink. You could be that person!). You have an infectious personality and live life without fear, so it’s only a matter of time til you’re swarmed with non-drinking moms and the like who still love to have a good time! Keep up the good fight, and keep talking about this! It’s one of the subjects that’s rarely spoken about nowadays. Sorry for going on and on…
Could you start a FB group? I would join!
It didn’t take me long after I stopped drinking to realize I really don’t have a lot in common with my lifelong friends, and I’m in my 50’s! They still welcome me to stuff they do, but being around drunk/drinking people is about as much fun as a root canal for me. I’ve pretty much moved on. One woman, who I considered my BEST friend for 20 years, I haven’t talked to in months. It’s not that we don’t like each other any more, we just drifted apart. I tried really hard in the beginning to call and meet up, but found it was all on MY part.
I’ve met some wonderful women at my book group and also at my gym that I go to every day. It is SO hard for adult women to make new friends!! You’ll find your tribe.
Hi Susie,
Congratulations on your year plus!!! I don’t drink and I am in a bunch of amazing non drinking groups. 3 private FB groups, 2 are women only. Message or email me if you’re interested. I joined a sober women’s book club in L.A. hosted by @TheSoberGlow and I go to recovery meetings where I have as many non drinking friends as I could possibly ever want, all who are working on themselves spiritually. The biggest perk is being able to help each other, I think the in person community and perspective you get is also key for me. I’m going to the She Recovers conference in L.A. in September where Cheryl Strayed is speaking the keynote, their philosophy is “Everyone is Recovering form Something.” I’m on Instagram in the recovery community, only for about the last 6 months or so since I recommitted after the holidays, but it’s easy to find each other with hashtags. Very supportive Insta world of non drinkers! #sobermom #sobermama #teetotaler #wearetheluckiest #soberaf #wedorecover #soberglow #teetotallyawesome #recovher #sobriety etc. Not everyone in these groups is a recovery meeting person outside of meetings, they use a lot of different modalities, yoga, nutrition etc. @TellBetterStories is doing a good job exposing the wine mom culture pushed on all of us, like we need to drink “Mommy’s Little Helper” to enjoy motherhood and our kid’s childhoods. I’ve had a long struggle with it myself that I will be writing more about soon and I’m so grateful to be alcohol free, AF! XXoo Heidi
We are out there!!! I have never been a drinker. I have never even been drunk ! I prefer chocolate. Lots of chocolate. And cheesecake. 😀
I could use a crew like that! If you organize a social, I’m in! I rarely drink because I don’t really like it and I have a close family member who has a problem with alcohol and I just don’t want to encourage it. I even live close to you and could use a little encouragement in the exercise/taking care of yourself department.
I wish we lived closer because I have always been able to have fun and be social without the drinks! I have always been an occasional drinker but tend to leave it more often as I age and realize how crappy I feel after even one. Especially now that I am working much harder to take care of myself and be the healthiest I can be. Wishing you the best in finding your tribe!! In the meantime, I’m hear for you with all your other friends on the inter webs!!
Wish we lived closer. I’m in Vancouver, BC, Canada. While I do drink alcohol, I am not attached to it, and I would much prefer a great friend to hang out with and laugh and work hard on our stuff together. I agree the comments about drinking gets old – I come from a long line of alcoholics so I’m very aware of how my words sound and never say ‘I need a drink, etc.’ in front of my kids, etc. You are such a good mom and a great example of how ‘change is good’. I’ve read your blog for years and love to watch your journey. You should be very proud of yourself, and your children.
Did you ever find them? If so, please write me and let me know how. I feel so lonely it hurts but just don’t want to lower my standards to spend time with women I dont have much in common with.
Congrats on 53 weeks!!! I’ll have 5 years in August!
That post is actually a couple years old — I just passed 3 years! Congrats to you!!! 5 years is awesome!
I’m in (Redding, CT)
Hi Susie,
Sober life is the best! I just hit three years.
Im still searching for sober friends. I do miss how alcohol would reduce my social anxiety but that’s about it. Now I go and don’t drink.
I’m in Canton. I’d love a sober mom gathering!
Julie
This surprises me because I’m not a huge drinker, but I do like to have a glass and I’m having a hard time finding mom friends who do drink. Lol