Yesterday I asked the ladies in my Thrive membership group what things they really want to focus on in March.
There were a whole bunch of responses.
But this one really jumped out at me:
What I could really use the most help with is strengthening my ability to say “no” whether it be to food or someone pressuring me to eat, drink, or do something I try so hard not to do (or the opposite, if that makes sense). Peer pressure is real and still exists even at my age.
No matter how old you are, it can still be really challenging to not give a flying fuck what other people think about you.
Once you hit fifty, it definitely gets easier.
But if you have lived any of your life trying to please other people, then this will be a default thought for a long, long time.
People don’t like when you change.
Because people generally don’t like any change.
It’s not what they are used to and it’s uncomfortable and people don’t like to be uncomfortable.
A different you is not the you they know.
And when you change, people often make it about them.
They might think,
She thinks she’s better than me.
She is better than me.
She thinks I’m unhealthy.
Well isn’t she amazing.
That’s no fun.
That will never last.
There are tons of things that people can think about you.
But those thoughts aren’t really about you.
They are about them.
If another person believes that life is unliveable without cable TV, her reaction to you cutting the cord isn’t about you cutting the cord.
It’s about her thoughts about cable TV.
You can’t determine or control other peoples’ thoughts.
Unless you decide to manipulate them by doing something that isn’t true to you.
We so often worry about what other people think of us because we want them to like us.
We want their approval.
When we decide we are going to start exercising or stop watching TV or stop drinking or give up caffeine or whatever it is we genuinely want to do, and then we don’t do that thing because of someone else’s reaction, we are essentially lying.
We are lying about what we really want and who we really are in an effort to please other people.
And then we feel shitty about ourselves.
Have you ever done that in a new relationship?
Have you ever pretended to like country music even though you totally hate it because your boyfriend likes it and then you marry him and now you are stuck pretending to like country music for all of eternity?
That’s a case you manipulating another person. You have lied to them about what you truly like in an effort to pretend to be a person you aren’t so that you can control what they think about you.
Then you start to resent that person you lied to.
Because you weren’t honest about yourself.
When you resent other people because you aren’t true to yourself, you often end up doing stuff that sabotages the very thing you wanted to change in the first place.
You numb those feelings of resentment with false pleasures. With food or alcohol or shopping or whatever it is.
False pleasures feel good in the moment, but they don’t feel good later that night or the next day.
The old cliche is true.
The only person whose actions and thoughts you can control are your own.
Knowing all this and wanting to be truly authentic will help you say no or say true to yourself when feeling pressure from other people.
It is not your job or your responsibility to make other people feel comfortable with your choices.
It is your job to make choices that feel good for you.
When you continue to do that, no matter what other people say or do, you develop more and more confidence in sticking to what makes sense and is important to and for you.
And the more you stick to your convictions, the more likely other people are to take a look at what you are doing and consider why it works for you.
I use my cousin as an example.
She joined a program at the Y and started working out over a year ago.
She now works out daily.
And I think it started out as a weight loss thing, but now she realizes how much better she feels physically and emotionally when she works out regularly, so now it’s a lifestyle thing.
Her husband, who never exercised and was a serious smoker, used to be very vocal about how he would never join “the cult” at the Y.
The cult was just the group of friends my cousin had made who also enjoyed exercising.
My cousin didn’t stop exercising.
She didn’t let what her husband was saying change her mind or her resolve.
She also didn’t expect him to do the same thing.
She just committed to what she knew was the best thing for her, and she kept doing it.
Well, less than a year later, her husband started working out and quit smoking.
Amazing!
Learning to say no to people is hard if you’ve spent any of your life pretending, trying to please people, and not showing everyone your true, authentic self.
Knowing that you are going to be met with some opposition when you make changes helps.
Being prepared for people to question you, tempt you, shame you, and maybe even stop spending time with you helps.
Reminding yourself that when you do things you don’t want to do you are presenting people with a fake version of yourself will help you not give in to pressure from other people.
Remembering that it is not your job to make other people feel comfortable with your decisions may be the most crucial component to being authentic.
Thinki about what you would tell your own kids.
They are watching, after all.
You know what you would say.
You can’t worry about what other people think.
And if your friends are trying to force you to do stuff you don’t want to do, well, then they never really were your friends to begin with.
Ultimately, you have to be okay with people not being okay with some of your decisions.
The more you practice this, the more you are consistently true to your authentic self, the more confidence you’ll develop.
And then, in time, your days of other peoples’ words affecting your actions will be long behind you.
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