1. Wait until Mommy is making breakfast and lunch for everyone, and then sneak into her room.
2. Plug up the sink with sanitary products and toilet paper.
3. Turn on the water.
4. Find the powder.
5. Go crazy.
6. Do not limit yourself to the bathroom.
7. Do not stop until every trace of powder is gone from the bottle.
8.Toss the empty bottle into the sink. Use the water that has overflowed onto the floor to make a nice powder paste.
9. Before you leave the scene, squirt a little of Daddy’s body wash into the sink for good measure.
10. Go find Mommy and tell her you “spilled some water on the floor.”
11. Watch ensuing Mommy Meltdown.
12. Lay low until Mommy attempts to clean up the powder. You may have to wait for several hours. BE PATIENT.
13. As soon as Mommy is in the bedroom with the vacuum turned on, initiate Phase Two of Operation Get Mommy Hammered.
14. Go directly to the fireplace. If you can’t have the powder, then go for the ashes.
15. Enlist the help of your baby sister. She doesn’t know any better.
16. Start with the rug.
17. Proceed to the left side of the couch.
18. Then move to the right side.
19. Sprinkle some on the toys.
Eh, fuck it.
Sprinkling is for pussies.
Grab some huge handfuls and go to town.
Throw that shit on the Magna Doodle.
20. The scooter.
21. The stroller.
22. The colored pencils and the rocking chair.
23. While you are at it, throw some behind the couch too. Be sure to get some of that shit under the heat registers.
24. It takes a serious professional to do this without leaving any prints behind.
To confuse Mommy and throw her off the trail, run in circles.
That should give you at least a few extra minutes to figure out your escape plan.
25. If all else fails and you are apprehended, use your charm, and
eat your vegetables.
Moms love when you do that shit.
oh….my. I dont think there is enough franzia in the world……..
No. You need something that’s either illegal or that requires a doctor’s prescription to deal with this shit.
OMG…OMG. That is all I can really say…OMG.
That’s all I could say too. But there was a big “F” in my OMG.
OMG!!! I just want to cry for you right now…… I think I would still be on the floor days later with my wine bottles….. I have to ask how did you not lose your shit??? How did you discipline after that??????????????
That was both horrifying and cathartic!
I feel for you…I really do!!! My oldest daughter was the queen of dumping stuff out all over the place. Usually just a bottle of body wash all over the bathroom floor, but once an entire bottle of Tide that she had climbed onto the dryer to reach into the cupboard above and grab. The worst was my entire container of bronzer. Have you ever tried to clean up bronzer? It doesn’t come off!!! Just smears. So yes, I feel your pain…and wait for lil sister to go through the same phase. Ughhh
OMG I would have had to borrow some patience from someone to deal with that.
Oh,My Goodness! My eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.
Would be tough to even begin w/ the clean-up. My daughter,
she’s 22 today, once finger painting the bathroom walls and floors with her #2. She was so proud of her art-work. Before, I blew a gasket, I took a couple of pics… Still have them. We love our darlings, but the torture tests they put us thru….
I… I think I might have had to have left the house for the day if that happened. I’d just pack the kids in the car and go, in the hopes that it might magically be cleaned up when I got back. *shudder* If I recall correctly, the worst I ever had to deal with in the toddler days was a tomato soup catastrophe. It sucked but was nowhere NEAR as bad as that. Not even a little.
Oh god I hope I haven’t jinxed myself.