This morning I read an article online about a couple who is going through a divorce after 10 years together.
Unfortunately, there are children involved.
Halfway through the article, I read this quote:
“The relationship was going poorly for six years,” he admitted on The View. “We went through with [having kids] in hopes that the relationship would get better and that having a family would make it better.”
I’m not sure how people come to this conclusion.
Especially people who are over the age of 30.
I watch a decent amount of reality tv. And I love the competition shows.
I love Project Runway.
And Top Chef.
And Chopped.
And, I’ll admit it, The Bachelor.
And every person on those shows always says, “I’ve watched this show before so many times, but I had NO IDEA this was going to be so hard.”
Let me tell you something.
Having kids is the biggest fucking reality show you are ever going to be on.
Yes, there are some incredible highs that being a parent provides you with.
But the lows can be pretty effing low.
Loooooooooowwwww.
If you are in a shitty relationship now, chances are, it will always be shitty.
Tumultuous, unhealthy, and unstable relationships don’t often repair themselves.
And if a couple does manage to turn things around, I’d be willing to wager large amounts of money, or even one of my children, that it wasn’t because they added a third party into the mix.
Unless the third party is a seriously ass-kicking therapist.
Even if you aren’t a parent now, you have probably been in a situation where you have seen a really overtired child.
And then you have heard the mom say, “She was up really late last night.”
or
“He didn’t have his nap today.”
Those kids are screaming.
And thrashing.
Unmanageable.
Out of control.
It’s not really any different when you’re an adult.
An exhausted adult does not handle situations, conversations, or differences of opinion with a level head.
And when you become a parent, you enter a phase of your life that you do not leave for at least 18 years.
Sleep deprivation.
It doesn’t end once your kid sleeps through the night.
Yes, when they are babies, you lose a lot of sleep doing middle-of-the-night feedings.
But when they are toddlers, it is physically impossible to get enough sleep to make up for the exhaustion resulting from chasing them around all day. And from attempting to maintain your composure as they systematically destroy your house.
And when they start school, you spend your days driving from place to place, activity to activity. You are up late helping with homework. And buying shit that they forgot to tell you they would need to bring into school the following morning. Then once you manage to finally get into bed, you lose sleep over whether or not you just permanently scarred them by screaming at them in a moment of complete exhaustion.
Then when they are in high school, you lose sleep because now they’re gaining independence. Where are they every minute? Are they doing drugs? Are they having sex? Are they prepared to enter the real world?
Adding children to an already crappy relationship will only create a much more challenging playing field for the parents.
The things you fought about?
They’ll still be there. Only now you’ll have about 2 minutes of conversation in you before you are transformed into that thrashing, sleep deprived, he-didn’t-have-his-nap-today child.
Actually, that’s wrong.
With the addition of children, you actually have about 14 uninterrupted seconds to communicate with your spouse.
Because much like picking up the telephone, the minute you and your husband or wife attempt to have a conversation about anything of substance, a child will appear demanding your attention.
And he or she will not go away.
Ever.
The lack of sleep isn’t all.
If your relationship with your spouse is in trouble, then you are disagreeing already.
Add in a kid, and you have increased the number of things to argue about exponentially.
You get to fight over how to discipline him.
How to feed him.
How to bathe him.
How to speak to him.
How to clothe him.
How to reward him.
How to….
Yes!
It’s true!
There are so many wonderful things to fight about when you become a parent!
And we haven’t even gotten to the financial aspect yet.
Don’t they say that the number one thing couples fight about is money?
Well, you may be in luck with this one actually.
Because once you have a kid, you won’t have any money left to fight about.
Nope.
You won’t fix your shitty relationship with kids.
But I feel pretty confident in saying, that it’s definitely a great way to make it even worse.
VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!!!
I never could understand how two ‘so-called’ adults think a tiny, little baby could fix their marriage when the 2 adults couldn’t fix it themselves. That’s an awful heavy burden to place on a child’s shoulders.
I read that article and was also upset that they decided to separate the twins. They are each taking one to raise because they are each the biological parent of only one of the children. They are separating the twins by thousands of miles. Tragic
That is just a very poor reason to have kids in my opinion. If the relationship wasn’t good before kids, it sure isn’t going to be after!
OMG I just googled the article you were talking about. The relationship was in the crapper for 6 years and they decided to have babies? Did none of their “people” (ie managers/friends/family) tell them that that would be the worst idea e.v.e.r? Or are they all “yes” people just to get a piece of the pie……(sometimes I think that people need a license to breed)
Susie,
I love your post! I have to tell you today was one of the worst days I have had as a parent. First of all, my stress level has been really high this week because my mom was in the hospital all week. She had a 5 hour spine surgery. I’ve been with her all week. Thankfully she is doing well. Today we took both kids to soccer. There were a tons of people there and at least 12 fields. This is our first year doing this. We saw tons of people we know and all of the sudden, our youngest was gone. He is 3. My husband and I were both watching our 5 year old and no one was watching the 3 year old. Obviously we git our wires crossed. For 5 minutes, the longest 5 minutes of my life, about 12 people were helping us look for him. I have never been so terrified in my life. I started sprinting down the fields and I finally found him sitting in the middle of the farthest field. I feel like such a fuck up. I cannot believe I let this happen. I have been so upset all day. I am thankful we found him. I just feel like the worst parent ever.
Stop beating yourself up. I’m sure a lot of us have been there… even worse. Deep breath! I am sure you are an amazing mom, as most of the moms on here. You just had a bad day…. 🙂