When I was in 8th grade my mom gave birth to my youngest brother, Christopher.
He was a suprise, and I was SO EXCITED.
I was that kid who always wanted her mom to have another baby.
I LOVED having a baby brother.
A year and a half after he was born, Christopher was diagnosed with leukemia.
He had chemo and radiation and eventually a bone marrow transplant.
Nothing was able to save him.
He died two weeks after his 3rd birthday, at home in my parents’ bed.
Christopher would have turned 40 yesterday.
I wonder about him all the time.
I wonder what he would have looked like when he grew up.
I wonder what he would have liked doing.
At the end of his life when he was really sick and weak and uncomfortable, my parents would take him for rides in the car to watch excavators and bulldozers and any kind of construction vehicles working on job sites. He loved construction sites.
Maybe he would have operated some big machinery if he had made it to adulthood.
Sometimes I feel really guilty that I’m the one who got to live and he’s the one who had to die.
I’m trying to make him proud.
Happy 40th, Christopher.
I miss you every day.
My heart aches for you. Grief is a beast. I can’t imagine the mental energy you’ve had to use to wrestle with survivors guilt like that. I hope that Christopher can send you a sign that he is ok and that life does not end with the body.& that he is with you in spirit. You are worthy of your life and you are doing great things by bringing women and families together and making people feel less alone (while making them smile in the process.) I’m grateful to have found your page (so many years ago! via Jess @ Diary of a Mom) and I have been a faithful follower ever since. I’m sure that you have no idea how many women have become stronger, better mothers and friends *because of you.* And how many kids, husbands, wives & people have had those better, stronger women supporting them (because of you.) The ripple effect is real. 🙏