A few days ago I wrote a series of posts about my marriage.
This has prompted me to do a lot of thinking and soul searching in the last few days.
And now rather than being angry and resentful and hurt and fearful, I feel open.
Because I believe I have a bigger purpose on this earth than to just have produced children from my body.
I believe I am meant to experience something much bigger than depression and anger and fear and sadness, managed by sex and drugs and alcohol and finally, food.
I believe all these experiences, these hardships, these challenges — not only in my marriage but in my life in general — are occurring because there are still things I need to learn about myself and about human beings and the world in order to serve that higher purpose I have here while I’m on the planet in this body.
They are guideposts.
(By the way, I believe we all have a higher purpose here on the planet. It’s just that so many of us are not open to evolving. Because evolution is really fucking hard).
I think I am attracting many of these hardships, too.
I have been looking at life these past few years simply as something to endure. To survive.
A series of shit shows, with a new episode airing daily, sometimes hourly, with the goal being to make it to the end of each episode.
And when that is the energy you are sending out there, that is what is going to come back to you.
Shitshow after shitshow after shitshow.
And I believe the Universe is like,
SUSIE!!! WAKE THE HECK UP! WE ARE GOING TO KEEP SENDING THIS STUFF YOUR WAY UNTIL WE SEE A CHANGE, DAMMIT!
What I am meant to evolve to, I do not know.
I think that is the biggest challenge and the biggest part of the process.
Believing in where the Universe is guiding you.
And just letting go, and allowing yourself to be led.
Rather than trying to force your will on the world and getting really pissed when the world completely ignores you.
It’s one of the challenges of being a human.
You want answers and predictability and control.
So throwing your hands up in the air and saying,
Okay Universe. I’m just gonna trust you. Let’s go. Where’s the next stop?
is really, really hard.
I do not believe I was meant to be in an unhealthy body during my time here on this planet. I don’t believe I am meant to spend the rest of my days here on earth in an unhappy marriage. I do not believe I am meant to struggle financially forever.
The Universe led me to a podcast about intentions a few days ago.
And since then, I’ve been thinking a lot about intentions.
LIKE A LOT.
About being conscious of my intentions.
About how every act is preceded by an intention.
I had an intention when I married my husband.
I had an intention when I started this blog.
I have an intention every time I go for a run.
I have an intention every time I put anything to eat in my mouth.
Sometimes these intentions bring me closer to my true purpose.
Whatever that is.
Other times they drive me away.
I have not been conscious of my intentions. I have not been mindful of most of my decisions.
Our intentions cause us to make choices.
These choices have consequences.
And every time we make a choice, if we can pause and think about what our intention is, we have the ability and the power to amend that choice.
To think about what the intention behind the choice is and if that choice will lead us toward the purpose we are meant to fulfill, or if it’s just gonna give us another slap in the face.
I believe the Universe sent me to my husband for a reason.
The series of events that unfolded for our paths to cross had always seemed to me to be completely random. A fluke.
But now I don’t think so.
I don’t know why I was led to him.
Maybe I was guided to my husband because he is the perfect match for me.
Maybe I was guided to my husband because our children were meant to also guide me in a particular direction.
Maybe I am meant to be with my husband forever.
Maybe I am not.
But I do believe that my husband was meant to teach me things about myself that no one else could teach me.
I’ve been thinking a lot since I wrote those posts.
And I’ve just been sitting in silence. Trying not to think. Trying to be receptive to messages from the Universe. Allowing myself to be led, rather than trying to drag everyone in my path along with me.
And I believe this marriage was meant to help me evolve, not just as a wife or a mother, but as a human being, and as a contributor to society.
Because it is out of my marriage that all of my faults are magnified.
TIMES A MILLION.
And it is through my marriage and the posts I wrote last week and the introspection that has occurred as a result of them that I have become aware of my intentions.
And how the state of my marriage is a direct result of the choices I have made.
Not just the big choices that I have made throughout the course of my marriage, but the choices and decisions I make on a minute-to-minute basis.
When your intentions come from a place of fear and anger, you are going to be led down one path.
When your intentions come from a place of love and kindness, you will go down another.
If I am making decisions in my marriage defensively, then I am not making decisions out of love and kindness. And the Universe will react accordingly.
When I am behaving this way in my marriage, then chances are I am behaving this way in other areas of my life. And that will keep me from fulfilling my true purpose.
When I am not fulfilling my true purpose on the planet, then I am not truly happy.
And I never will be.
Not until I am aware of my intentions, and not until I am ready to acknowledge and accept that there are consequences that result from the decisions which result from my intentions.
If my husband says something hurtful to me and I respond in a hurtful way, my intention is not to communicate effectively with him.
It’s to hurt him.
When I make the decision to purposely hurt my husband, there will be a consequence.
More hurt. More anger. More fear.
This blog has certainly helped me in that department. And I honestly believe that is one of the reasons I began writing it.
Because I do not really read other blogs. I never considered myself to be a writer.
But boy did I go after people who didn’t agree with me in the early years. I went after strangers and I even went after friends.
I completely ruined a very good friendship after writing a stupid and thoughtless post about six years ago.
And when I look back now, my intention with that post was not to let my friend know that my feelings were really hurt. Or that I was super fearful.
It was purely to get reassurance and validation that I had been wronged by this friend. That I was right and she was wrong.
The intentions were not coming from a loving place.
And so the Universe sent me a consequence.
The friendship was destroyed.
It is one of the most regrettable decisions I have ever made.
I guess I needed something that big to wake me up and get me moving in a different direction.
And as much as I have evolved here through the blog, as much as I have changed, I believe my marriage is a big bullhorn screaming at me.
THERE IS WORK TO BE DONE, STILL, SUSIE.
I don’t know what will happen with my marriage. I don’t know what will happen with my kids. I don’t know what will happen with my business. I don’t know what will happen with my life.
But I’m ready now. I’m open. I’m receptive.
I’m not there yet, but I’m at least a few steps closer to realizing my purpose here on the planet.
And I’m excited to let the Universe show me what that is.