Failure is Feedback

You’re going to mess up.

You’ll blow off a workout, lose it on your kids, forget about an appointment, overspend, get distracted from your goal.

And when you do – because we all do – the words you say to yourself afterward matter more than the mistake itself.

Failure isn’t the problem. The way you talk to yourself afterward is.

Most of us don’t need to learn how to stop failing. Failure is part of the process. It’s part of the human experience.

You don’t need to be better. You just need better self-talk.

For so many of us, the way we talk to ourselves after we fail is pretty horrible:

• “You always do this.”

• “You’re such a loser.”

• “What is wrong with you?”

• “You’ll never get it right.”

That’s not accountability. That’s shame.

And people – including you – aren’t motivated to do better when they’re demeaned. Especially by themselves.

Shame shuts us down.

Encouragement pulls us forward.

Your kids are listening to how you recover.

You self-talk isn’t private.

I know it only took one f-bomb slipping out of my mouth when the kids were little for that word to become a permanent part of their vocabulary instantaneously.

It’s no different with anything else.

How you talk to yourself when you fail is how your kids will learn to talk to themselves when they fail. And they learn fast.

They are watching you model recovery in real time.

If you respond to a mistake with self-compassion and reflection, they learn resilience.

If you respond with shame and self-loathing, they learn to make themselves feel bad and  quit.

Imagine if your kid struck out at a baseball game and his coach looked at him and said, “What is wrong with you? You’re never going to get on base.”

You’d be livid.

SO STOP DOING THAT TO YOURSELF.

Failure is how we learn.

You learn more from failure than you ever will from success.

Getting DQ’d at a swim meet is no fun. It stings, and it’s frustrating. 
But you don’t forget what you did wrong.
You fix it. You remember it. You improve.

Every failure is a lesson wrapped in a bow; it’s a gift in uncomfortable packaging.

So start treating it that way.

Thomas Edison is famous for saying, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

What a great response to failure! That dude knew how to talk to himself.

Do you think he invented the lightbulb, electric pen, phonograph, alkaline battery, and motion pictures on the first try?

Heck no.

No wonder he invented so much cool stuff. He was his own biggest cheerleader.

Instead of spiraling into self-criticism, take the Thomas Edison route:

• “That didn’t go how I wanted it to. What can I learn from it?”

• “OOPS!”

• “This is part of the process, not the end of it!”

• “Okay, now I’ve learned another way that doesn’t work.”

• “Fall down seven times, stand up eight.” (I have that one tattooed on my body)

Here’s one more example:

You’re taking a spring break road trip from Connecticut to Florida. You are so psyched for warmth and sun and the beach and relaxation.

Then you make a wrong turn and you start heading in the wrong direction. You’re headed toward Ohio. Ohio is not the tropical destination you’ve been thinking about for the last few months.

What do you do?

Do you call yourself a loser and keep driving to Ohio? Remind yourself how bad you suck at driving, scrap the trip, turn around and go home?

Heck no. You figure out how to get back on track asap.

Try this the next time you fall short:

1. Pause. Notice what you’re saying to yourself.

2. Ask: How would I react if my kid’s teacher or coach talked to her this way?

3. Find your inner Thomas Edison. Rewrite the script. Say what you would say to someone you love.

Because failure isn’t a dead end. It’s a detour.

And how you talk to yourself in that moment?

That determines whether you say screw it and keep driving in the wrong direction or you get back on track and head toward paradise.