Today I went to my favorite place — Costco — and I saw this:
Eleven fucking carts.
I do most of my grocery shopping at Costco.
I love Costco.
And one of the great things about Costco is that they have like a hundred and fifty cart returns in the parking lot.
They make it very convenient for you to be able to return your cart when you are done putting your stuff away in your car.
And still, people do this:
In fact, there was a lady doing it when I took this picture.
I blacked her out.
But I’m giving you fair warning. I’m not blacking anybody else out, and I’m getting ready to start doing some serious cart shaming.
Because I can’t take it anymore.
People are SO. FUCKING. LAZY.
When I saw eleven carts up on the curb at Costco today, I looked around. Maybe all the cart returns had been removed. Maybe they had been beamed up to space by aliens or something.
No. They were all still there. And I knew they were. Because this isn’t the first time I’ve seen this.
It’s like the millionth.
What is wrong with able-bodied people that they cannot return their carts to the cart return?
I’ll tell you what’s wrong with them.
They are just being assholes.
Yes. You. The one who is trying to rationalize not walking the thirty feet to put your cart away earlier today?
You’re being an asshole.
You are taking up parking spaces and leaving your carts in spots where they bump into people’s cars.
And even if you aren’t taking up spaces, even if you put your cart up on the sidewalk or something, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Okay. Before you start rattling off your reasons for not returning your cart, I will acknowledge that there are some exceptions.
But before we get to those, let’s look at another picture.
This picture was taken from that sea of eleven carts left on the edge of the curb.
Yes, I took this picture today, too. I was so fucking pissed by lazy assholes today that I was taking pictures of the Costco parking lot layout like a psychopath.
So you see that big red circle and arrow? That’s where the cart return is.
You know how long it takes to walk to the cart return and back to your car from where I was standing?
Because I fucking timed it.
And that included a three second pause while I waited for a car to pass by so I could cross over to the other side.
It took me 31.47 seconds to wait for a car to pass by, push the cart to the cart return and walk back to my car.
You have been reading this post for longer than 31. 47 seconds already.
I bet there is a good chance you spent way longer than 31. 47 seconds on Facebook today.
You might have sat in the Starbucks drive through line for more than 31.47 seconds this morning.
There’s probably a good chance you spent way more than 31. 47 seconds watching a baseball game or a football game or Scandal or the Real Housewives of wherever on television today.
You cannot tell me that you don’t have 31.47 seconds in your day to walk your goddamn cart over to the cart return.
Like I said earlier, there are like a hundred and fifty cart returns in the Costco parking lot.
But I’ll be generous.
Let’s say you are a whole minute’s walk away from a cart return.
Who cannot spare one minute to return a cart?
Oh yeah. I forgot. There are some exceptions.
The following people are exempt from the 31.47 second round trip from the car to the cart return and back to the car:
1.Anyone whose water just broke.
2. Anyone in imminent danger of puking or shitting themselves.
3. Anyone who just realized that Aunt Flo stopped by to visit and she is cascading down your legs like Niagra Falls.
4. Ummm… nope. That’s pretty much it.
So there are three exemptions.
Everyone else has plenty of time to return their carts.
Yes, even you people who have children with you.
You know that chick that I blacked out in the Sea of Carts picture?
She was leisurely strolling and talking on her phone.
There was no sign of Aunt Flo, and she wasn’t about to crap her pants.
If you are leaving your cart within twenty feet of your car, you better be sprinting like Usain Bolt.
Because you better be so late for something that 31.47 seconds is going to make or break you.
But you know what?
I watch every single lazy asshole who does this every time I walk through the parking lot.
And I have yet to see a woman about to give birth in the cart return or anyone who has shit his pants or barfed all over the place.
In fact, the people who leave their carts by the curb in the parking lot are never in a rush.
They are just really fucking lazy. And rude.
We get pissed at our kids for not cleaning up. For being lazy. For not putting things back where they belong.
You might wonder where they learned this behavior from.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you do this in the parking lot at the grocery store, then one of the people your kids are learning that really fucking annoying behavior from is, um… you.
So don’t be an asshole. Return your carts.
You’re not only getting 31.47 seconds of exercise, you’re teaching your kids how not to be an asshole, too.