Dear Number 4,
Today it’s your birthday.
And on this day, I want you to know that you are everything I ever hoped to be wrapped into one, amazing, now 7-year-old package.
I will not say that to any of your brothers or sisters on their birthdays.
Yes, I love them just as much as I love you,
but you have something very special.
Many, many very special things, actually.
Sure, there are lots of smart, funny, talented, and beautiful people in this world.
But there are only a handful who can change the entire atmosphere of a room simply by entering it.
You are one of a kind.
One. Of. A. Kind.
One day, when you are older, we’ll go out.
Just the two of us.
And I will tell you some stories.
I will tell you the story of how one night, when you were just past your 2nd birthday, I did something really,
really,
stupid.
How I was confused. And pretty sick.
How I drank a bottle of wine by myself.
And swallowed 25 Xanax.
Scared the shit out of your father. And Grammy. And Papa.
And ended up in the hospital for a few days.
Daddy gave me some pictures of all you guys to keep in there with me.
But yours was the one I stared at the most.
I had failed all the kids.
But I had failed you the most.
Because moms and daughters have this special thing.
And a fucked up mom can produce a seriously fucked up daughter.
So, that’s when I realized that things had to change.
That I had to change.
I think people enter our lives for a reason.
You know, I’m kind of a talented person myself.
But somehow along the way, I lost track of that.
Until you came along.
I’m doing some things with my life right now because of you.
Adults are supposed to be the ones setting the example for the kids, but with you it’s the other way around.
You are so determined.
And so pure.
And I don’t mean pure as the driven snow kind of pure.
It’s not a naivete thing.
I mean pure as in genuine.
Real.
Undiluted.
In this age of liars, cheaters, and political correctness, you are a dying breed.
Your words, your intentions, and your actions are pure.
What you see is what you get.
There are a lot of grown ups who could learn a thing or two from you.
Now, I always want you to know how special you are.
But especially today.
On your birthday.
You haven’t asked for much.
You’ve asked for a special day with me.
You’ve asked for a “spa day.”
You asked for a new bike.
An ice cream cake.
And for Grammy and Papa to come babysit.
Daddy and I are going through a really difficult time financially right now.
And so I have been worrying about your birthday.
I really, really wanted to get you what you asked for.
I called Grammy and Papa.
Of course, they love you to the moon and back also, so they are coming over today at 4:30.
And they are going to bring a new bike with them.
Grammy and Papa, check.
New bike, check.
We just had a tag sale on Sunday. I used the money we got from that to buy gas, and food. But I saved just enough for another thing on your list.
Ice cream cake, check.
But there was still that spa day.
There’s no way I could swing it.
I felt awful.
Until I had an idea.
I called a local spa owner.
I told her all about you.
I told her how awesome and amazing you are, and how we have no money, and how you’ve never had a manicure or a pedicure, and how you’ve been asking to do this for a long,
long,
loooooooong, time.
I asked her if maybe she would give us a manicure or a pedicure for free if I gave her free advertising on my blog.
And guess what…
She said yes.
So you don’t know it yet, but today at 1:00, I’m going to come and get you from school.
We are going to have our first pedicure together.
Just you and me.
I know it’s not a whole spa day, but I think I can check the last thing off the list.
Yep.
Spa day, check.
I love you so, so much Number 4.
More than you will ever know.
And I’m trying really hard.
Really, really hard, to be the mom that you deserve.
And while you may not realize that now,
that is the best birthday present I will ever be able to give you.
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I think that is awesome.Have a great day #4 and mommy and happy birthday.
Holy fuck susie…thanks for the tears.
Happy day to you both.
Xo
I am bawling… beautifully written. you girls deserve a great afternoon together!
XOXO Kama
You are a wonderful mom Susie! I can only imagine the day to day in your house & I just LOVE reading your blog, it makes me feel better knowing that I’m not the only parent who “loses” it once in a while. Enjoy your spa day & ice cream cake Number 4, you have a GREAT mom!
You are amazing! And I think I need a pedicure RIGHT NOW so please post the spa that donated yours and I’ll go there and thank then with my business.
Tears in my eyes. Sounds like a wonderful birthday!
Happy birthday #4! You’re an amazing mom, thank you for sharing your story .
WOW! I am speechless. You are a fantastic mom! Thank you for posting this.
That was amazing. I was crying at my desk at work! I knew that #4 was pretty special but I didn’t know her birthday was the day before mine! I knew I really liked that girl:) Happy birthday to both of you because as a mother every childs birthday is your birthday too. Have a great day ladies.
Wow — one of the most honestly written pieces I’ve ever read. Thank you for being brave enough to share it. Enjoy your day — you both deserve it.
crap – shouldn’t have read this at work…now I am crying… enjoy your day..I think you are the mom she deserves…
holy cow I was very touched by this story. Go mommy for being amazing and realizing that you can better yourself, and huge kudos to #4 for showing mommy she’s got something worth living for! Happy birthday #4 I hope it’s everything you wished.
Oh man, I read this at work and now my eyes are swollen. Have an awesome 7th birthday #4 and enjoy that pedicure!
Brought tears to my eyes Susie. Happy birthday to your number 4. She’s going to be so excited:)
p.s. I think you are one hell of a mom
This one should have started with a tear warning. Your children are so very lucky.
Christ, Susie. So glad you’re coming over in a bit. I plan on hugging you. Warning issued.
Happy Birthday, sweet #4. You have a fabulous Mama.
Wow….you brought tears to ny eyes. …it is my daughters birthday today too! Thanks for sharing your story….life can be tough for all of us and you have an amazing and supportive family.Glad you are here to celebrate your daughter’s birthday and your honesty and openess is refreshing!
You are amazing. You just really touched me. I have two little boys and major financial problems as well. You just made me wish for that little girl (not enough money for more kids). I recently found your blog and I love it. You are an inspiration. 🙂
Gods Blessings to #4 on her birthday! It’s such a huge burden to struggle financially – we have all been there. I hope you two have a fabulous time!
that is such a touching message..am welling up here! Enjoy your spa date..you are so amazing to those kids..great job Susie 🙂
I didn’t know just how raw my emotions are right now with everything going in my business life so thanks for the great cry! You are an amazing person and you are both lucky to have each other 🙂
Happy Birthday #4! What a special post Susie. You are an inspiration in so many ways.
Tears!!! Great post!
You are inspirational. Love reading your blog and hearing about your kids. Thank you for sharing.
Happy Birthday #4! Wow, Susie, stunning.
I think #4 is a very lucky girl to have a Mom like you. The love you have for all your kids comes through in everything you write and we are all fortunate enough to read. Hope your day with #4 was magical.
tears in my eyes over here — beautiful letter to your daughter!
This touched me. This is my first time visiting your blog and your honesty has resonated in my soul. Thank you for being someone who is real in this world.
I have to wait until payday to buy groceries. And my underwear ate gross and tattered because I can’t buy new ones. And I too want the best for my children and put ten above everything.
I think you’re pretty great.
Takes a lot to really put it all out there. I havent gotten to that exact point with my writing yet, but seeing another doing it gives me a little push in the right direction. Thanks for being real, not afraid of judgement and making other normal moms feel not so terrible!