For most of my life I have relied on external validation to feel good about myself.
I fruitlessly chased perfection in pursuit of long-lasting fulfillment for five decades.
I relentlessly compared myself to other people, and rather than helping me experience growth and gratification, the only thing this did was make me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough.
The harder I tried, the worse I felt.
Overextending myself and people pleasing became a way of life, and I never received any awards for this.
Instead, I just became increasingly exhausted, resentful, and reactive.
I was investing time and energy into things I couldn’t control, and I started to realize I didn’t really know who I was, what I liked, or what I wanted.
It wasn’t until I was two years into my divorce that I started to figure this out.
Becoming a member of the I Don’t Care Club has been so freeing.
Learning how to make decisions that are in my best interest and that are in alignment with my beliefs, wants, and needs is quite a process.
It’s uncomfortable, and it’s hard work.
But it’s also finally giving me a return on my investment.
I have spent so many years trying to be liked by everyone and trying not to disappoint anyone.
In the end, I still was not liked by everyone.
And I disappointed a lot of people anyway.
Most notably, I disappointed myself. Repeatedly.
I stayed in super unhealthy relationships and made myself sick.
I allowed people to treat me in ways I would never tolerate for my children (or anyone else).
I reacted in ways that were unhealthy, embarrassing, and often humiliating.
Ultimately, I did exactly what I had been trying so hard not to do for fifty years.
Nobody actually knew the real me, because I didn’t even know the real me.
And here’s what I’ve finally learned:
Living for other people is not wellness. Authenticity is wellness.
I’m okay with people being wrong about me now.
Because I’m finally right with myself.
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