Yesterday I shared that I am getting divorced.
This wasn’t a decision we came to quickly.
In fact the process was officially started almost a year ago.
But it wasn’t until last week that we shared this information with the kids.
There are two reasons it took so long to really get the process moving.
(And I share only my perspective and my experience — not my husband’s).
The first was that I just didn’t know if I could tolerate the process.
Our marriage was uncomfortable and at times excruciating, but even with all that pain, with the emotional discomfort and the arguments and the lack of connection, it was a slow burn.
Going through the divorce process was going to be throwing myself into the fire.
It would end the long term suffering.
But the pain would be intense.
And I didn’t think I could handle it.
Or I just wasn’t willing to.
The second issue for me was twofold.
It was the kids.
I couldn’t imagine telling them.
And I couldn’t imagine being without them.
Not even for one second.
How would I not be with them every night?
How would I not be with them every weekend?
How would I not be with them for every holiday?
How would I not be with them for every vacation?
But all those questions had one thing in common.
Me.
They were all focused not on the kids, but on myself.
I wasn’t really staying in this marriage to protect my kids.
I was staying in it to protect myself.
Protect myself from letting go.
Protect myself from missing out.
And that wasn’t necessarily in their best interest.
Because truth be told, while I am with the kids just about 24/7, 365 days a year, and I have been for the past fifteen years, I have been missing out all along.
I am not always present.
I’m physically with them.
But emotionally, I’m often somewhere else.
And a lot of that has to do with continuing to live in a dysfunctional marriage that has monopolized my brain power and my energy.
So I did a lot of work. A lot of thinking.
A lot of practicing being uncomfortable.
I know the next couple months won’t be easy.
I know the first time I’m home alone without the kids is going to be brutal.
But I know I can do it.
Because I’ve sat in discomfort for most of my marriage.
Whether the flame is on low or turned up full blast, I know I can sit through it just a little bit more.
A year from now, my kids and I, in our new normal, are all going to be just fine.
And not just fine actually, but probably better than ever.
You deserve a loving and kind partnership! You deserve the best! And so do your kids! Also, my best friend is divorced and loves her time alone to do the cleaning, errands, etc. so when she has the kids, life is just present with each other! (It takes time to enjoy this, she was heartbroken at first!) You’ll all adjust and do great! You’ve got this, and when you don’t, know we all support you and are here for you, just reach out!!! Hugs to you!!!
Susie, Your life will be different but better in so many ways.
Now you can breathe, and focus on what is good for you and your beautiful kids. Yes, everything will be better than ever.
I wish you the very best. 🥰
You can do this mama stay strong! Divorcedgirlsmiling saved my life when I went through my divorce and the rollercoaster of emotions. Two years in my kids are doing great being out of a house with a disfunctional marriage
https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/
You are amazing. I saw your post yesterday and just thought, wow, what a level-headed approach. I’ve had the same thoughts about divorce. I can’t imagine being without my kids, and your perspective is refreshing and so honest. Thank you.
That was my biggest fear last summer when my ex and I split the kids 50-50 for the first time. So I made every effort to not be home alone. I tried a new sport and made a new group of friends used meet ups and also dating apps to just meet new people. I only spent 2 lonely nights crying on the couch all summer. And now I can actually enjoy some kid free time. It’s an adjustment for sure but you GOT this.
Please keep sharing your journey! There are so many, like myself, that can relate. Many of us are on our own unique journey, I relate to the pain and agony of having to make the biggest decision of your life. But I can’t relate to your specific trials and fears. That’s what makes each of our journey’s unique.
I can’t wait to hear more about your fears, joys, triumphant, and challenges. I started my journey a year ago (years before that), divorced now for only 6 months. I have a long way to go, but I finally feel empowered by my decision and sense that a weight has been lifted.
Susie. I know this is hard but I promise you divorced parents are better than knowing your parents should be divorced. I’ll take you to lunch sometime and we can chat about what happens when you wish everyday your parents would get a divorce. There is no perfect solution to a situation like this. After the initial shock wears off, the kids (especially 3 and 4) will realize it needed to happen. You have amazing kids and I promise they will not turn into messed up adults because their parents got a divorce.
Thoughts and prayers.
You got this girl! I’m here for you anytime!!! I’ve been through it and in the beginning it’s brutal but you will find your new normal and it will make you all stronger! Love you girl!