Let nature take its course.

Someone asked me about natural consequences yesterday.

Natural consequences are unbelievably useful and effective in helping our kids (and ourselves!) learn valuable lessons about accountability and responsibility.

But they are largely underutilized because we as parents so often have a hard time letting our kids be uncomfortable or deal with disappointment.

First I think it’s important to make sure everyone understands what natural consequences are.

Natural consequences are things that happen naturally, without our involvement.

Like if you stand out in the rain, you are going to get wet.

When you pull an all-nighter, you are going to be tired the next day.

When you leave a load of laundry in the washer for like three days, the natural consequence is it smells like shit and you need to rewash it. (We’ve definitely all done that one).

It can be hard for us as parents to let our kids experience natural consequences without piggybacking.

Piggybacking is feeling the need to make sure you lecture, yell at, humiliate or do whatever else it is we feel the need to do to our kids after they mess up.

How many times have our kids done something wrong, and we’ve made sure we rubbed it in nice and good afterward?

If you had listened to me in the first place, that never would have happened.

How many times have I told you to put your homework in your folder so you don’t forget it???

What is wrong with you? What the hell were you thinking? What did you think was going to happen when you did that? Did you even think at all???

For some reason, we feel the need to make our kids feel extra bad when they fuck up.

And I’m not really even talking about major fuck ups.

I’m talking about things like spilling milk or forgetting homework.

A big part of the reason why we get so angry is because rather than let our kids deal with the natural consequences, like getting a zero on a homework assignment or letting them sit through a band practice with no instrument, we rescue them, bring in the homework or the saxophone, are inconvenienced, get annoyed and angry, and that’s where the piggybacking comes in.

And while we think we are really  driving the point home and helping the kids get it, what we are doing is blaming and shaming them and making them feel super defensive and causing them to tune out and not helping them come up with a solution to the problem.

And that’s what we really want.

We think we want to make sure the kids feel extra bad, but we really just want a solution to the problem so they are responsible and so we don’t feel the need to strangle them.

Have you ever done something regrettable? You know, as a grown up?

Have you ever left a light on in your car and the battery died or waited just a little bit too long and run out of gas? Have you forgotten a class party or missed a deadline to sign your kid up for something?

And then have you told your spouse or your mom or your grandmother about it and they started in with the Why did you do that? or Why didn’t you do this? Or Back in my day, when you were little…. (that one really gets me).

How does that make you feel? Does it make you more motivated to do better the next time? Does it make you really stop and reflect on what you could do differently the next time so that doesn’t happen again?

I know for me, that shit pisses me off. And all it makes me want to do is shut down. Or tell whoever is piggybacking me to shut the hell up.

It definitely doesn’t motivate me to be reflective, that’s for damn sure.

So here is my challenge to you.

Have a conversation with your kids about natural consequences. And not a lecture — a conversation.

Don’t have this conversation immediately following a time when your kid has messed up.

Find a time when everything is going well and there is no tension.

Ask them  questions. Allow them to be an active participant in the conversation.

You can start with a really simple question and then move onto things the things that are actual problems.

What happens when you stand out in the rain without an umbrella?

What could happen to your bike if you left it in the driveway right behind the car?

What might happen if you don’t put your dirty clothes in the hamper and you want to wear a certain outfit next week?

And then let them answer.

And then let them know that from now on, you will no longer be rescuing them in these situations.

When they forget their homework, you will not bring it to them.

When they forget their water bottle at practice, you will not go back home and get it or run to the vending machine and buy some water.

When they want to wear something to school the next day but they have left the shirt in a crumpled up ball under their bed for the last week and it’s dirty, you will not be doing a last minute load of laundry.

The key is telling this to them firmly, but with kindness. With dignity. With respect.

And then, when they mess up, first, remember how you feel when you are in that same situation and how you would feel if someone went off on you and repeatedly told you how dumb/stupid/thoughtless/careless/whatever you were.

Show empathy and understanding for what they are feeling.

Instead of, “If you had put your lunch box in your backpack like I told you to, you wouldn’t have been hungry!” try “I can imagine it totally sucked not having lunch and being hungry at school! That has happened to me before, and it’s no fun!”

And leave it at that!

You can always add in an “I’m confident you can figure out a solution for this problem, and I love you.”

If they ask you for help in coming up with a solution, of course you can help to guide them to possible solutions.

And chances are good that your child will learn much more about remembering her lunch and accountability and responsibility when you allow her to experience that natural consequence!

Of course, there are some natural consequences that you cannot let your kids experience. You’re not going to let your daughter run around the house with scissors, fall, impale herself and then say, “Wow, I bet stabbing yourself in the leg with those scissors really hurt!”

Clearly when safety is an issue, you need to do something else.

But more often than not, our kids’ safety isn’t what’s stopping us from letting them deal with natural consequences.

So give it a go.

Talk to your kids about this new plan.

Be firm, but kind.

And then, let nature take its course!