You are warned about a lot of things when you are about to become a parent.
About the lack of sleep, about things no longer being about you, about the terrible twos and the money and the laundry and the driving and lots of other annoying and monotonous stuff.
But you know what no one warns you about?
Toothpaste.
Yes.
Toothpaste.
Once your kids reach the toothbrushing age,
which, according to the experts is when they get their first tooth, but according to actual human beings who are raising live children is probably closer to when the number of teeth nears the double digits,
you will find toothpaste in all sorts of interesting spots.
Toothpaste to kids is like pubes to adults.
I remember a while back, pre-kids, I found a pube.
On the kitchen wall.
And I thought to myself, “How the hell does a pube get on the fucking kitchen wall?”
The kitchen was no where near the bathroom.
Or the bedroom.
I hadn’t tried anything crazy.
There was no 9 1/2 Weeks reenactment going on in my kitchen.
But those pubes turn up in the strangest places.
Before your kids get to that stage, they practice with the toothpaste.
You will find toothpaste on the walls.
On the floors.
On the toilet paper roll.
The shower curtain.
You will find it on the ceiling and the refrigerator and the car seat and the carpet.
You will find it on the pillowcases and the television and the mirror and the front door and the toilet seat and the light switches.
You will find it on the steering wheel and the washing machine and the Christmas tree and the swing set.
Your children will defy the laws of physics and gravity with the damn toothpaste.
You will find toothpaste everywhere.
Except, of course, on your kid’s fucking toothbrush.
Although if you look there,
there’s probably a pretty good chance that’s where you’ll find a stray pube.
HEY WHAT’S UP WITH THIS NUMBER 2 BULLSHIT?
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Sad part is, if it does make it onto the toothbrush and into their mouths, then it’s supposed to come back out, theoretically into the sink. That’s a whole lot of places for it to got wrong before long hair even enters the equation.
Thanks for the laugh!
You’re right about that!
Gross, true and made me laugh out loud
My thoughts exactly. I hate even stepping foot into my kids bathroom!! Toothpaste all over the counter all the way up to the top of the mirror down to the floor. It’s disgusting and trying to get it off is such a pain. I just wanna cry thinking of my two brushing their teeth. I have to make my 5 year old brushes before putting his clothes on for the day because it will be all on his shirt all the way to his feet errr!!! I complained to my 8 year old the other day about their lack of cleanliness and she just laughed at it! Said maybe you should start brushing our teeth for us again?!