People try to prepare you for the things they think you need to know when you are about to become a parent.
They tell you about the lack of sleep, and the insane number of diapers you will go through. They tell you about how you will love this little person more than you have ever loved anything in the world and that you will understand what they mean as soon as the baby is born. They tell you about how your sex life vanishes, how you won’t have time to take a shower, and how you won’t take a crap alone until your kid steps on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.
But you know what they don’t tell you about?
The strange things that your kids will do or the completely random and totally bizarre things will happen to your kids.
Your kids will do some weird shit that you have never seen before.
And some random, fucked up shit will happen to them.
And you will start to create all sorts of crazy scenarios in your head where you are sure your child is permanently messed up or going to die or be scarred for life or left behind all of his or her peers.
Before I go on, and for all you trolls and people incapable of detecting sarcasm or without even the slightest sliver of a sense of humor, I am not telling you to ignore something out-of-the-ordinary that you observe regarding your child. And I’m not a doctor or therapist.
All I’m saying is weird shit happens to kids.
And usually, it’s not as bad as whatever scenario you dream up in your head.
So to make you feel better…
1) If your kid discovers his or her nether regions and has a hard time not touching them, often, he or she is not the only person to have made this discovery and to engage in this behavior. And your kid will not grow up to be a sex addict. Well, not because of this, anyway.
2) When your kid gets hit on the forehead and a lump the size of a baseball immediately protrudes from his face, it is most likely not gray matter spilling from his skull. (Yes, you should call the doctor, but that big ass lump is called a hematoma, and it usually looks way worse than it appears).
3) If your older than three year old kid has a panic attack when you are not in his or her direct line of vision at all times, you are not alone, and there is a solution for that.
4) If your toddler randomly starts stuttering like Billy Bibbit out of nowhere, don’t freak out. There is a good chance it is just some weird phase, and he will stop doing it as abruptly as he started.
5) If your kid all the sudden decides he doesn’t want to eat things that are red, or green, or hard, or soft, or raw, or cooked, or hot, or cold or if he all of the sudden stops eating lunch altogether, don’t worry. He will most likely come around.
6) If your son wants to wear a skirt or nail polish or both, that’s normal. Let him. And if your daughter doesn’t want to wear a dress, ever, that’s normal too. If your kid is gay, it’s not because of his or her jeans. It’s because of his or her genes. And if you have a problem with your kid being gay, your kid isn’t the one with the problem anyway. You are.
7) If your elementary schooler starts wetting the bed out of nowhere, and no matter what you do, it still keeps happening, that is not all that uncommon. It’s very likely another stage. It’s annoying and embarrassing for your child, but it happens. And they can’t help it. So be understanding. And at some point, it will pass.
8) If your kid is sick and wakes up from her nap or at night talking some crazy shit, yes, call the doctor. But it is much more likely that she is a little loopy from a fever or strep throat than from having encephalitis or some other life threatening disease. (Again, call the doctor. Just don’t immediately proceed directly to worst case scenario).
9) If your kid has a rash, don’t assume leprosy. You have no idea how many different types of skin irritations there are until you have kids. There are bazillions. Most go away with medication. Some don’t require medication at all.
10) If your kid pulls her own shit out of her diaper and plays with it, and then flings it across the room like a poop slinging monkey and laughs while she does it, more than once, you are not alone.
Like I said, your kids will do some weird shit.
Even sometimes with their shit.
And it’s okay.
Cause shit happens.
And sometimes, really weird shit happens.
To all of us.
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joanna Norland says
lots of memories there. btw – when my eldest was two and a half, he did poop versions of Jackson Pollock on his walls. The first time, I cleaned it, and calmly explained to him why this was unhelpful behaviour.
The second time (having read some internet advice) I told him that the only way to clean him up was with a cool (not cold) shower.
He howled.
But there was no third time.
Some phases last as long as they last (don’t ask how many months he refused to eat anything but one yucko flavour of jarred babyfood).
Some phases, you can shorten with a bit of tough love and common sense.
Johnna Green says
Having a poop player is just not ok or fair! My little monster even likes to splash her pee on her face at times… lucky me! This youtube video, “Body After Baby- Sh*t They Don’t Tell You” may make you laugh https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJRdr5ScSSY