There isn’t a funny story in me today.
I’ve waited, and waited, and waited for one to come, but it’s just not there.
So I don’t have anything to make you laugh.
Or make you cry tears of joy.
Or to inspire you.
I just have this.
Last night I lost it.
I’m still kind of losing it.
But last night it all came to a head.
Contrary to popular belief, I don’t discuss every single detail of my life here.
Most of them, but not all of them.
And while I really do wish I could give you specifics on this one,
1) it would take days,
2) you wouldn’t believe me if I did,
and
3) I just can’t.
So all I can say is there is some stuff going on at home and it has not been easy.
My husband is somewhat devastated, and the younger kids are confused.
It has added a tremendous amount of stress to the house, and to the relationship with my husband.
You already know about the financial stuff.
You already know that our septic system has failed.
You already know that my grandmother just died.
I forgot to tell you that on Friday we had the coldest day here in Connecticut in like 20 years.
Some of the pipes in our basement froze.
They waited until we left to go my grandmother’s funeral to totally burst.
So we came home from the funeral to water pouring into the basement.
Another thing to scrape money together to pay for.
They still aren’t fixed.
I’ve had no washing machine since then.
So the pressure has been building.
I have been trying really hard to stay positive.
To look at all the bright sides.
To find the hidden message.
To not complain.
Yesterday a friend of mine said to me,
You’ve got to get out from under this cloud.
Last night, when Number 6 cut off handfuls, plural, of her own hair and fashioned a semi-mullet for herself, that didn’t push me over the edge.
It got me pretty close.
The cloud was descending.
And then, a conversation with my husband inevitably pushed me into the stratosphere.
I yelled.
And yelled.
And yelled.
And then after the kids went to bed, I continued yelling.
I swore.
A lot.
One of the kids heard me.
So on top of feeling overwhelmed,
stressed,
underappreciated,
misunderstood,
frustrated,
angry,
sad,
scared,
and completely exhausted,
I’ve got a huge side of guilt to go along with that now.
I don’t want to exercise.
I don’t want to organize anything.
I don’t want to cook.
I don’t want to do any of the healthy things I would counsel someone else in my situation to do.
I don’t want to talk to my husband or play with my kids or go coach swim practice or really,
do anything.
Well, that’s not true.
I would really like to drink something.
Or smoke something
Or eat…
everything.
Or, even better, do all three at once.
Feel nothing.
So…
Sorry Guys.
All of my creative juices today are going into maintaining the very small shred of sanity I have managed to hold onto, and to feeling and living through the discomfort without totally numbing it.
That’s all I’ve got.
I’ll keep writing, you keep voting!
Well I don’t know all the details about your situation but I do know that you have helped so many people with your words me included. I think you deserve a little time away and I wish I lived near you so I could come and get you and we could listen to loud music, scream and laugh for a while. I hope you have somone close to you that can do this with you and I will pray for strength and understanding for you and your family. Good luck:-)
Sending you what I have extra of… faith and lots of prayers.
No apologies necessary. You have a really heavy load right now. Is there anywhere at your Y where you can go and just hit something repeatedly for an hour? I know you don’t want to exercise, but it wouldn’t be exercise, it would be just a way to physically release some of that stress, anger and frustration. I’ve had to do this at times. At times, I’ve beaten the hell out of a couch pillow until I was drained. Hang in there, and don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. I agree with Ashley, you’ve inspired and encouraged many, many people, me included. If we can return the favor, we’d like to.
Sending healing thoughts and prayers to you today and for your family. Once again, through your blog, I don’t feel alone. You are true inspiration to all of us living this life of motherhood!
At one point, several years ago, one of our son’s (my step son) could not be allowed to be at home. We needed to make him hit rock bottom…he was already close…..and it seemed like the best way. It was awful; horribly stressful for everyone involved, but particularly my husband as this is the son of his deceased previous wife. I had the counsel of a dear friend who is a clinical psychologist which helped me, but my husband was not interested in what she had to say. So I became the bad guy and stuck to my guns. I also became the person who came up with a solution, did the background work necessary, and came up with a plan, which my husband was able to implement. In this way, my husband and I became a united front. We shared the responsibility, but took on different aspects which we were better able to address. Your situation may be completely different, and you are dealing with several stressful and difficult issues all at once. For me taking some sort of action is helpful. Even when all I want to do is eat chocolate, French fries and tequila, if I can even start to make a plan…get the semblance of something together in my head….it helps. Five years later, my son is doing great, as is our family. We never could have imagined this during that dark time. He still has a way to go to repair the relationships with his siblings, but we are thankful everyday. Hang in there.
hugs…..
I really appreciate how brave you are. It probably doesn’t feel like it, but to me it seems so. Bravery can sometimes be viewed as foolish, but I prefer to think of it as hopeful: believing in the potential for things to get better…or at least become bearable.
And remember, the worst workout is better than none. If you can somehow drag one foot in front of the other, get out there and _do_it_. Nothing else may be in your power of influence today, but this is.
Been there. I raised 11 kids by myself because my husband decided to end up in prison. Talk about hell…..! He’s out, but not at home because I finally realized what a jerk I was married to. I struggled with no money, lousy cars, lousy rental homes, lousy landlords and kids who were angry and scared. I have had burst pipes, broken down cars, broken appliances, damaged knees because I fell on fluids from a broken refrigerator, and bills that I wondered how on earth I was ever going to cover. Even ended up in the hospital nearly dying because of a menstrual cycle gone wild. I have had to deal with juvenile courts, juvenile detention, foster homes for a couple, and counselors. And I ended up stomping, and crying, and yelling a lot. My favorite thing to do was to yell at God (aka the ceiling) and tell him he was crazy.
Cry. Scream. Yell. Have a major temper tantrum. Try not to break anything you will regret breaking later. Life will suck at times. Life will be scary as hell, especially when it comes to your kids.
Then, Scarlett O’Hara…..there is always tomorrow. You WILL stop crying, screaming, panicking and you WILL pick yourself up and carry on. Maybe better than before. You are a strong lady and you have a great sense of humor and you are willing to be open about the NORMALITY of your life. Believe it or not, it is healthy to cry and yell once in a while. The one “perfect” mother I ever knew locked her kids in the closet to punish them and never left her house except to go to church. Talk about your Stepford Wives….. It is ok for your kids to know that you get hurt and scared too and by standing back up and getting back to work, you teach them that there is nothing that will ever really hold you (or them) down.
Once the storm is over (both emotionally and that really crappy weather you are dealing with) do NOT feel guilty. You are human. Welcome to the club. Just be HONEST with the kids and your husband. Communicate and reassure them.
Oh, and in spite of all the really crappy stuff….I am doing MUCH better these days. I survived, my kids are doing much better and are my best friends, and God never struck me down with a lightning bolt.
In the meantime, have a hug from one crazy mom to another. I have faith in you.
Someone as amazing as you shouldn’t have to go through all this 🙁 I know you aren’t really a religious person but I want you to know I am praying hard for you and your family. I hope the light at the end of the tunnel comes quickly and there are plenty of calming moments and wine stops along the way! And along the way remember all of us faithful blog readers whom lives you have changed!
Sending prayers your way…
Dear Susie, I pray that you are encouraged by the words of others today. You have been such an inspiration and have helped SO many people with your words every day. Please private message me if there is anything I can do to help you. I can arrange to take time off from work and come babysit for a few days or whatever you can think of. I will travel there to you if I can be of any help.
You have inspired me so many times in so many different ways. As a parent, you made me feel sane some days, validated some days, guilty some days, proud some days. Most days you just reminded me that I am human. I am reminding you.. As unbelievably talented and driven and fabulous as you are.. You are human and some days that sucks monkey ass. Give yourself permission to sulk.. Sulk and do fucking nothing. Respect yourself. You deserve it you’ve god damned earned it a thousand times over
I read your blog because of how real you are. No sugar coating. Simply real. That being said:life really sucks sometimes. Please know that you have people you’ve never even meet pulling for you, sending you positive vibes and including you in their prayers. Swear, kick the door, go for a run, and swear some more. The ebb and flow of life. Thanks for keeping it real.
Ditto Heidi’s comment. Love you Sister-Friend.
Susie,
You have been an inspiration to so many. I’m so sorry you are going through a really difficult time. You have many of is that are on your side and if you need someone to just listen, here is my number 804-514-9148. If you can find the strength, try to get a workout in, sometimes the mindless activity helps clear the head and the soul.
I just now saw this. I wish you lots of strength to get through this tough time! I hope your readers support helps you in your time as need as your blog has helped so many of us readers! Know every reader is wishing you and family everything positive!