For those of you who are waiting to make it through the stage where your kid doesn’t sleep through the night,
or the playing-in-the-toilet phase,
or the potty training phase,
or the saying-no-to-everything-you-ask-her-to-do phase,
I have a little newsflash for you.
It doesn’t get easier.
In fact, it gets harder.
Yes, it’s exhausting to get up multiple times during the night, or to answer the Why? question for the 164th time in an hour.
Changing diapers sucks and waiting twelve minutes for your three-year-old to do it myself is really fucking annoying, too.
But, on the other hand, when they are little, you still have some control.
You know what they are doing.
You know where they are, who they are talking to, and what they are watching.
You are bigger and smarter and stronger and faster than them.
When they run away from you, you can catch them.
When they lie to you, you can bust them fairly easily.
When they tell you they didn’t eat the chocolate cupcake while brown crumbs are actually falling out of their mouths, it’s not too hard to put two and two together.
But once they get older and have achieved that independence you’ve been dreaming of, it’s a whole new ball game.
And most of the time you are five runs down in the bottom of the ninth, with two out and a full count.
Getting to the truth requires a masters degree in forensic science and a PhD in criminal investigation.
Your life has changed from an episode of Sesame Street to a Law and Order SVU marathon.
Your days are now spent investigating, probing, swabbing, and interrogating.
And just when you think you are one step ahead of them, they figure a way to get around you.
You will take a phone away, thinking you have outsmarted them, only to discover they’ve been up all night communicating with friends using some other concealed technological device they had strapped into an ankle holster under a pant leg.
But you don’t give up.
Because you have hope.
Hope that they make it to adulthood and are blessed.
Blessed with health and happiness.
And a couple of teenagers of their own who sucked just as bad as they did.
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