A friend of mine, a young, intelligent, responsible, talented, funny, hard working, athletic, and very beautiful friend of mine, recently got her heart broken.
And not just a little bit broken.
Ripped out, thrown on the ground, and trampled on broken.
I feel so bad for her.
Because I’ve been there.
And I dread the day any of my girls go through this.
They are only 6, 4, and nearing 2.
You can’t totally bypass the broken heart life lessons.
They teach you a thing or two, and I think they are necessary.
But I’d like to make them a little less painful for my daughters, if possible.
Help my girls to cut to the chase.
Weed out the dickheads and get right to the good guys.
Because there are lots of good guys out there.
You just need to know what to look for.
And what to avoid.
So there is gaydar.
You know, that internal radar that tells you that someone is gay.
And then, there is douchedar.
Radar for complete and total douches.
That shit is important.
But douchedar can take some time to develop.
Until it does, these are the things I’d like to share with my girls. A couple of things I learned from a bunch of douches I’ve dated along the way.
1. If he has a girlfriend and he’s flirting with you, he’s a douche.
If he has a girlfriend but tells you he’s confused,
or he’s never felt this way before,
he’s a douche.
Those bells and whistles that are going off in your head?
LISTEN TO THEM.
You will not sway him by kissing him.
You will not sway him by having sex with him.
The best blow job in the world will not get him to leave his girlfriend.
It will just get him to want more blow jobs.
And come up with more intricate lies and excuses to get one.
Without dumping his girlfriend.
2. If a guy tells you he broke up with his girlfriend, but they are still living together because he’s “worried about her” or “she’s still looking for a place to live”, he’s a douche.
And full of shit.
If a guy is living with a girl, then he is screwing her.
End of story.
3. If a guy has to choose between you and drugs, and he chooses drugs, he’s a douche.
You cannot change him.
Begging, pleading, yelling, crying, threatening,
the best night of sex ever —
none of those things will “cure” him.
When he says, “Just one more time,” he is really saying, “I’m not stopping this shit anytime soon.”
4. If he’s over 30, and his mom still does his laundry, he’s a douche.
This dude does not have a sweet bond with his mother.
He has issues.
5. If he cheats on you, and then says “But I was thinking about you the whole time,” he’s a douche.
He was not thinking about you.
He was thinking about himself.
And he will continue to do that.
Unfortunately, you can’t control other people.
You can’t change the way they behave or the way they treat you.
Changing something about you will not change something about them.
The only thing you can change is how you allow other people to treat you.
If you let them treat you like crap,they will.
If you give them the milk for free, they will never buy the cow.
And if it walks like a douche, and talks like a douche,
VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!!!